November 12th - Home
Yuck, have come down with a mild cold, so far just congested in the mornings... but this morning, it doesn't seem to be letting up. Took a few days off to hope it would dissipate with some R&R but no go.
Wolfe and I are both a bit under the weather. Talked a lot this morning about getting out of the house for an excursion, ferry over to Bowen Island for a walk and a late lunch. Or the Seymour Demonstration forest for a walk.. or... Central Park, or Stanley Park... ride the kiddie train and have a hot chocolate? We're still tossing ideas around. Both of us are feeling not quite up to it, but at the same time, want a change of scenery.
As the day wears on, our options have narrowed, and instead of feeling better, we're both feeling pretty crummy. Still wanting to 'do' something, but have it be easy and mellow, and warm. Maybe we'll just stay home.
Had a good weekend, some nice quality mellow time with Ty and bi-boy sharing some good meals. Mostly just hanging out at their home or ours. Surface tension seems to have been smoothed over, and I feel like I'm better able to accept the relationship where it's at. There's still stuff I feel sad around, but I've moved into that place of waiting to see what the universe is going to unfold. You can't push what is, to be something it isn't. I think you also have to trust that in some respects, what happens, what comes your way, what paths open up to you, do so for a reason. So I'm going to trust in the greater pattern of things and try to keep true to my own form.
So I'm back to some of my older dreams... the ones that don't involve poly relationship compromises. Ideas like Wolfe and I teaching English in Asia (Japan, Korea, Hong Kong?) for a while, to pay off some bills and earn some money, to re-invest in business or a bigger home, and also to experience living in a totally different culture... never mind the opportunity to train in another style of martial arts. That wouldn't be for a couple of years though. The original plan was to wait until Wolfe got his second degree black belt, and I have at least my first degree black belt. I think our strategy now.. is consider it when the time comes. There are so many possibilities with where the next few years could take us.
We've also discovered, that in terms of running a martial arts school.. something we've thought we'd like to do in the future... business opportunities are much better in the US. So to keep in mind the potential for relocation if our main focus is going to be owning and running our own dojo. Again.. it's wait and see when the time comes.
Right now though, we have some of our current major goals, already firmly under way, and they involve seeing things through here for a few years.. primarily training in our current style of kickboxing, till we've reached a high enough level. A couple of more years of being in this city and focusing on that goal. Anything above that, can wait.
Also feeling out what is happening with Ty and bi-boy. It seems to me that the type of relationship we have is likely to remain as it is. That the timing for an integrated life sharing poly relationship is unlikely to come together. Unfortunately, 'future planning' is not really an area we've been able to talk about without there being conflict, and when we have, the comfort level has been at the level of 'lets just wait and see'. Really though, I think that in itself speaks enough to the situation to have a good view of it. If as individuals, no one feels safe, or has positive feelings about having a discussion around it, or no desire to have a discussion around it.. then, it, whatever it is, is not very likely to be happening. That, and of course their current plans to live in a little house on their own, how much clearer do things get? So what we have, is what we have now, and probably will continue to have, hopefully for some time to come. I do love what we have. I love these two people so much. I feel blessed, and I'm happy to have them in my life, to share with. There is nothing quite so simply wonderful, as laying in all of their arms.
So, I think I'm in a place where I'm going to be able to accept their lifestyle choices. Really accept and be happy for, in trust, knowing they are creating the life that will bring them the most happiness. Share in that, as they build a home together, and raise their child. I think as long as that is going to happen.. mutually, and they will be able to accept our lifestyle choices as well, then a long term relationship on the level we have it now will be able to continue to happen. I'm hoping, that if Ty and bi-boy do continue on in a more traditional home and lifestyle, wanting to live separate lives in many respects.. that there will be space and acceptance for Wolfe and I to find other people to fall in love with, develop an intimate relationship with, that want to share a home and life with us on a deeper level, and for that to be okay. I can accept that they may not want to be those people in our life, and if that's the case, I hope they can accept that we will still want to be those people. Still want that lifestyle.
My main motivation... creating a home. And having a poly home. Though a poly home may never happen... I'm not sure how good the odds are, to find and fall in love with compatibles, still hoping.
Home is really important to me, and there's a few foundation strategies I can build it on.. family, or... style. :). Since the most likely family situation is Wolfe and I on our own, at first (I'm still hoping that we can integrate with someone(s) in the future to have a larger family...) with various visitors.. transient family visiting in. What that means is conceptually, design wise, for our next home, I'm likely into my ideal space style wise. I want an urban, industrial, ethnic, loft. I want concrete, steel, leather, sari silk, Indian cotton, and south Asian tribal rugs... I want lots of black, silver, and red... earthy and intense. Sensual play and living space. Open floor, lofted or not... just bigger than what we have now. Big enough to move one or two more in... :)
One day.. not too too far away... Things have a way, of coming together.
Live in love...
Katt