November 3rd - how absurd
Wow, it's only shortly after 1am, but I have that nauseous psychotic sleep deprived feeling already, I'm wired, but usually I don't get this jittery whacked feeling till around 3-4am... ah well.
Just realized that the other day I let you all know that I was heading out to get STD test results, but then never did a follow up.. so for those of you inclined towards nosey details of my health, I am disease free. Not that I expected less. Believe it or not, for my age and my open lifestyle and libidinous nature.. I've had far less partners than many. I'm too lazy to count now, but suffice it to say somewhere under/around 20 partners, and about split half and half women and men. And other than a few really stupid mistakes, I've always been careful to practice mostly safe sex... (Is there such a thing as total security?, not an abstinence girl here).
Listening to Roxbury - What is love
Listening to Dalbello - Talk to meI'm probably wired because I taught kickboxing all night, four classes back to back, and now the engines are revved. It was really really good to be back into, I was nervous, but enjoyed immensely. I forgot how much more work a simple workout is to do when you're wearing an extra heavy weight instructors gi, and you have to focus on counting, positioning, eye contact, smiling, what your going to do next, all at the same time. It's like 3 times as much work as just doing the workout yourself, and then because your the instructor, you don't want to look like you're getting tired, so you have to maintain an image of ease.. which is hard to do when you turn beat red after 5 minutes of any movement that involves more than flicking the remote control.. that would be me.
Listening to Placebo - pure Morning
Been talking a lot to Wolfe about relationship stuff lately. Often at his initiative. Sometimes it bothers me that he is as... hmmm, how shall we say, contained, as he is. Not that he is that way with me, I hear it all for the most part. Just that when he has issues with other people... I hear about it, but the people themselves don't. Mind you I guess most people are like that, they share with the people closest to them, and often don't bring things up directly with the people they are sharing about. I guess I like to go straight to the source, and I don't like saying things about people to others, that they don't know themselves. I totally appreciate that it's his call, what he talks to whom about when, but it's one of those things I have a hard time relating to. Especially when I'm as vocal as all get go, and he's holding back, it often makes me feel like the 'bad guy', which is funny, because at times in the past, I've been the one with fewer issues, he's been the one with more, but people assume I'm the one with the 'issue' impact, because I talk about it, all of it.
Listening to Massive Attack - Mezzanine 04 - Inertia Creeps
I think I've talked about this part of it (the part to come) before.. but I think that's one place where I'm most often misunderstood. People so often assume that I am -way- more emotional/upset/neurotic/fill in the blank than I actually am, because I express so much. I don't hold much back, so what you see, is what it is, it's the whole mass of the intensity of the entirety of the problem/issue/emotion/concept/fill in the blank. I don't contain much or hold much back at all. The problem is, I think most people don't do that, they just show the tip of the iceberg, so when people see me in crisis, they think, oh my god!(ess!) and they subconsciously times it by 5 or something, but then, that's like, that's it, really. They read my poetry, or my journal, or see me vent, and they think Wow.. she's really... fill in the blank, but then, that's my vent, my max expression, then I'm usually back to being centered, feeling mellow, middle ground, stable.. happy, etc, and people are still looking back on what I voiced at my most intense and going 'scary scary'.. and I'm like 'huh? what?'
The counter mistake I make to that, is I usually start off taking people at face value, and then I'm shocked when I find out there's been some huge thing they've been hanging on to and not telling me about. Then I try and compensate.. try and hold in my stuff, at which I usually fail miserably, then I start to assume there is horrible stuff going on with them that they're not telling me, because I figure if they're assuming that stuff about me, it must be based on something.. and then, chaos rules.
Listening to Beck - Loser
Listening to Stigmata Soundtrack - Mary MaryOver all, people confuse the heck out of me. :) Fascinate the shit out of me. Move me deeply. I think I have been genuinely deeply, passionately in love, many times. Hurt almost as many. Blessed over and over again by the experience. Still dreaming for more loves of the sort that Wolfe and I share.. where the meeting of souls and emotional connection is very direct.
Wolfe and I were talking, that not this coming anniversary, but the next, will be our tenth together, and that we wanted to have some kind of personal ceremony/ritual to celebrate our ongoing commitment and growth together. It's amazing that the more you are committed and respecting and loving of another person, the more freedom you have. If it's really truly about being honest, direct, loving... it gives you so much more freedom, really. We discussed over dinner, the idea of me going to live in NY for a while, if the opportunity would ever arise, and what that would be like, and if did, whether we would both open to that kind of possibility. Now that might not be so unusual, for close couples to maintain separate living arrangements and long distance sections to their relationships. But then, we also talked about who he might date while I was gone, what my romantic situation might look like while I'm there... how we would stay connected, what it would take to make it work for us. Pondering the possibilities.
So many paths life could take at this junction.
Listening to Bille Myers - Am I Here Yet?
A month ago, I was doing dishes by hand in somebody else's kitchen, and thinking, I could do this every day, be domestic. Clean, cook meals, pack lunches, raise kids. This month, I'm thinking... I could go to NY, do my PhD, be someone's kinky mistress. Then Tonight Wolfe and I were surfing a local bi couples web page, and thinking wow.. these people look really amazing.. should we write them? Am I fickle? No way, not at all. I am actually really big on commitment... mutually respectful, mutually agreed on, mutually beneficial, no one compromised, commitment. Commitment to total connection, love, honesty, respect, trust... which is a hard commitment for most people to make. People often -say- that's what they want, but what they do, looks different to me. They pay it lip service, and then instead, they play power games with their partners, they issue ultimatums, they don't reach consensus, rather they reach agreements based out of fear of losing the other, rather than on mutual benefits. Definitely not a place I want to go.
I think for the most part I'm a big 'love slut' , 'love chameleon', adaptable to a wide variety of loving roles and situations, all I need is someone(s) to take me up totally on all that I have to offer.. then I'm in, for as long as the reciprocal flow (flow flow) is a go... 9 years in February, for Wolfe and I. And as we talked about our 10 year celebration.. neither of us could conceive of a situation ever arising, where we wouldn't be a critical part of one another's lives... how I long to have that connection grow to be inclusive of more than just him and I. I guess it's hard to explain it until you've experienced it, what it's like, to have that kind of love, shared.
Also there aren't that many people that have come around that I've actually felt deeply deeply connected to... fallen in love with, and then felt, like things have clicked in place. The really odd thing with our current relationship with Ty and bi-boy, is it felt like everything clicked into place immediately.. it looked, really amazing, I was totally blown away, how smooth really everything seemed to connect. The depth of feelings that seemed to be all around. With some jealousy/safety issues that seemed to be sorted out with group support and a loving environment in a really positive way. There was a lot of dreaming and expression of that shared by all, and it seemed... surreal, ideal, amazing. I start to tear up just thinking about it. But then somewhere, somehow... and I'm not still exactly clear what went down.. things got nasty, hostile, cold, tense. And though we've tried to bridge that, and repair the situation, and find the common ground, it doesn't feel to me like we're getting close to there again yet, and I'm not sure what needs to happen still to make it right. Though it's a formula I hope still to be able to find. Answers to helping make that happen I'm still searching for. I love these people dearly, and I hope with all my heart, that's it's something that can grow to be something truly wonderful.Listening to Lenny Kravitz - Let love rule
Listening to David Bowie - The Man who sold the worldI know what I want out of my life, out of relationships.. out of being polyamorous and bisexual, love focused in life. I want family, community, spirituality, sacred, sexual, integrated committed living. I want to live my values of equality, balance, respect and love. I want to model diversity, respect, and empowerment to the world by being true to myself and the people closest to me. Activism, starts in your own heart, then in your own home. You can't improve the quality of other peoples lives successfully if you can't embrace the quality of your own. You can't teach love, dignity, support, if you don't have it for your self, and the primary people in your life. You may make a play of it, you might even make it look successful, but if it's not full from the inside out, it will be an empty shell of a thing. I'll stay true to it, until I find it. Right now, I already have it, it's a family of two, Wolfe and I. Maybe someday, it will be a larger family, of loving polyamorous bisexual love focused people... I think if it happens, it will be a powerful thing.
I've had a little taste of it, I know how my relationship with Wolfe has affected other people, just by it's nature of being true to us. Then also when we went to the poly meet the four of us, even though we weren't a 'family' I could see what the hope/illusion of us being that powerful symbol, what effect that had on others. Also when I talk about my 'lifestyle' with co-workers, the snowball effect it has, on their own lives, relationships, questioning their own values, life styles... wanting to actualize their own dreams. Definitely from my own experiences.. the most powerful thing you can do, to affect the course of the world, to change things for the better, to have a real impact, to be truly connected to the world, to the spiritual, to self and other, is simply to tend your own garden. Don't preach to the neighbors about how to tend theirs, don't picket and march about the necessity of it, don't go handing out seeds and tools.. Just do the work itself, in your own back yard. Everyone needs a different garden, you grow your dream, and you'll inspire others to find the way to grow their own. Maybe just maybe, if you're garden is in full swing, and bloom, and you've harvested well, you might take a little time now and again, to share some of the things you've learned, but until you can grow your dreams, reap and sow your dreams... don't dream of changing others. Don't fool yourself in thinking you can fulfill some higher purpose, if you can't attend to your own basic ones. you can't. That's not sacrifice to a greater cause.. it's just folly, and it's avoiding the work. Yes, there are many people, who do accomplish a lot, trying to do just that, their personal lives a mess, they're public lives a frenzy of good works, or activism, or... but as much as they might accomplish, I believe the reality of it is if they attended to their own messes first, the snowball effect of that would honestly be more, and eventually, they could give more, do more, affect more.
Oh well, that's my biased weather report here on the gardening channel...
Tonight's the poly meet! woo-hoo!.. 3:30, now I feel seriously warped.. time to try to sleep.
XOX
Katt