October 28th - Plethora

Head Shaving:

Well yesterday I shaved my head on the live cam.. and it went really well.  Considering it was the first time I've shaved it myself.  Wolfe got a lot of great pics with the digital cam.  

That's the good news.  The bad news.. is the many many cam captures that we took with the live cam, all got lost/destroyed/copied over accidentally. I was really really upset.  

We had accidentally left our cam to set captures later than evening, and forgot to turn the capture option off, and it kept capturing all through the day today, writing right over the files from yesterdays head shave.  Lost forever.  Painful.  

So there are no little pics from the live cam for me to post here in this entry as I had hoped, never mind all the galleries.  The good quality digital pics though are still existent, and 
will go up in the members area as usual.  Wolfe 
took some really good close ups.

 

Thank You:

A very very very special man in my life bought me a wonderful present this week.  A lambskin leather jacket which I picked out myself.  

I love leather, and I love this coat.  I had originally thought I wanted a leather trench coat after seeing Victoria's Secret catalog sold them in plus size, and they looked fabulous on their models.. Well, I went to try on long black leather trench coats, many styles, and have decided they just don't work on me (thank goodness I didn't order one from Victoria Secret!)  It's just too much leather, wrapped, overlapped, and then tied, around an already big body.. doesn't work well.   

So instead I fell in love with a sleeker fitted very simple design coat that comes part way down my thighs.. longer style, but not too long.  Much more flattering, and very versatile.  Then I had enough gift money left over to buy a long long skirt with a slit in the back, unfortunately not in leather, but in a very good quality imitation.  

The two together look amazing.. and Wolfe took some pictures, but I'm not sharing those either until I can show my sweet paramour first.. after I model them for him, then I can show the rest of the world.  

So angel, thank you, very much... every time I slip on that coat and wrap it around me, I'll think of you.  It should last me a very very long time, and I should be able to wear it year around. I'll take leather, over diamonds.. any day of the week.  

 

Bathing in Wine:

I have been into the bath cam big time... and definitely have enjoyed sharing bathing on the camera.  I love that everything that happens in front of the camera for me, starts to evolve into something even more sensual than usual, and sometimes, gets a little creative.  Well tonight I brought a couple of bottles of wine into the bath.. literally.  I did drink some... <smile>

Though most of it ended up in the bath...
It felt very naughty, decadent.. a little gothic, especially pouring large quantities of it over my breasts and belly and, playing with the empty bottle afterwards was... stimulating.

Feeling rather.. burgundy.

Relationship stuff:

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.. in terms of my personal life.  Trying to pare down to what my basic relationship needs are.  I think they are probably similar to most peoples, communication, trust, respect, honesty, mutual support towards positive growth... that type of thing.   Really looking at the basic elements, and really trying to think about what is involved in that for me as an individual.  

I think one of the things I have valued the most in my relationship with Wolfe, is the level of communication we have, communication that is deeply entwined with trust and respect.  

Starting new relationships again, and looking at emerging conflict, and then looking back over past relationships as well, I've identified definite 'triggers' for me of what feels unsafe for me in my interpersonal relationships... my close ones anyways.  I'm not talking about casual relationships here.. I mean close intimate relationships of the shared love variety.

I think the one thing I can identify as one of my biggest relationship issues that comes up over and over again is when people hold back information, feelings, thoughts, etc.  Commonly what I hear is it's because they don't want to 'hurt' people, or they don't want to deal with the ensuing emotions, the other persons, or their own, whether it's to avoid conflict, or pain.. or whatever.  

What happens for me around that is that It totally eliminates my ability to feel trust and feel secure in the relationship.  Especially if it seems to be around 'little things'.. because I think, well.. what else don't I know because you've decided you don't want to deal with the consequences?  What else in the future are you not going to tell me because you are anticipating a negative reaction from me?... If we don't talk about this stuff.. then how much do I really know the other person(s)? 
I can't know the answer to that, because I don't know what I'm missing. 

The thing that I find which usually happens, is the negative reaction that is created is based mostly on the lack of communication, the not knowing what is going on for the other person, and the tension around holding things back, rather than the actual thing itself.  Then the other person has created a self fulfilling prophecy of... 'see I knew this would upset you...'  When in reality, they don't get that what is upsetting, or mostly, is the whole dance around the issue and not the issue itself. Yes, the original concept might have been a bit upsetting, but no, it didn't get better through a month of you worrying about it, skirting the issue, building your own increasing negative feelings around the situation bottled up, hiding it, or? Not only has the original concept/problem/upset  remained.. lo and behold.. it's grown, and it's contaminating other areas of the relationship as well.  

Treat stuff like a problem.. and it invariably becomes a problem (We move in the direction of our expectations.. heard that before? <grin>).  Not that we should ignore problems or issues in relationships, but rather take them as they are and deal with them upfront and as they arise, and not make them into something bigger than they really are.  Once they've gotten big.. they've gotten big, damage, once done, takes healing time. 

I value that I know where Wolfe is coming from, I know what kinds of things make him happy, and what kinds of things might upset him, or where conflict might arise... and it allows us to negotiate one another's feelings with respect, and awareness, building a lot of trust.    

The difficulty then comes with relationships where the other party makes a conscious decision to maintain boundaries that they feel are necessary for their own comfort level, that involve holding back information that I feel is critical for intimacy in the relationship.  I think my conclusions in that, from past relationship experiences... is to not go there. Not that I feel the other person has an obligation to give me information or intimacy they don't wish to, they don't.  However, I do have an obligation to myself, to not engage in deeply intimate relationships that don't meet my basic needs. If I can't have a level of communication that for me is necessary to create a certain level of trust and respect, to my understanding of it, then it's not a relationship that I can maintain at a deep level of meaningful intimacy.  It falls firmly in the casual category.  That can be particularly difficult, in matters of love, especially when you're wanting to give more. But, I have done way way too many relationships of the 'giving more than you receive' type in the past, to want to go there again.  It may feel okay at the beginning of a relationship to undergo a lot of the 'work' as a labor of love, but the lack of balance leads to long term disaster zones.

It's simple really... I could have a deep, meaningful, loving intimate relationship with someone I see one week of the year.  With someone who has several other lovers.  With someone who lives with their grandmother.  With someone who has some substantial differences from me as a person.  With someone I disagree with on several key elements.  As long as there is love, mutual interest and respect.  As long as that person.. is clear with me, as long as I know them, know who they are, trust them, can feel safe in that I will be accepted unconditionally, for my thoughts, feelings, ideas... and that I accept them for theirs, even where we differ.  But in order for there to be acceptance, there first has to be understanding, and for their to be understanding.. there has to be communication... both expression, and listening.  

It's not so much what is there, or what isn't there, who a person is, or isn't.. but that what is, is shared, so what I am loving, and what I am being loved for, is about the people we really are, and not based on something else.  Otherwise, what's the point really?  That's when it ceases to be unconditional.  So I don't ask for much really.. just the soul.  That's all I want, is a persons soul, and to give them mine.  It's a lot to ask for maybe... but I don't ask for much else.  :)  
(I told you I was high maintenance)

Okay, enough about relationships.  Summary, I know what it is I need to make a 'real' relationship work, and what I need to do from there... to remain true to myself, and that path, in terms of loving and respecting myself.  You can only control/change your own actions, and not those of other people.  I can only be as clear as I can in my own communications, to the best of my ability (even with all systems go, it's a tricky thing, communication) and then decide based on what comes back to me, at what level of engagement to maintain my intimacy, my commitment, and how much depth I give to that relationship.

Masturbation:

Last night Wolfe inspired some very naughty play... He asked me to do a special little show on the live cam for him.  

He sat upstairs in the loft in front of the computer and watched me on the camera, which was focused on my laying down on the bed downstairs.  

He then proceeded to give me very very specific directions on exactly what he wanted me to do and how.  

How to touch myself, what toys to use.  He directed me right through to a mind blowing orgasm.  

Then he came downstairs, straddled me, masturbated over me, and came all over my chest.  It was very hot.  

Having a few other members watching me on the cam at the same time didn't hurt either.  I find myself enjoying being watched more and more as time goes on.  I used to be rather shy about it in some ways, and still am a little, but definitely, each time I do it, the concept seems to get me hotter.

It's always hard to know which few captures to paste here.. so I put one of the first in the series.. and then the point where I started cumming.. purrrrrrrrrrr.  (as usual the whole series of captures is in the members galleries)

Lots and lots to write today... hard to know where to leave off... I'm not even going to start talking about the great Philippino style grilled Tilapia I had for dinner...  

XOX
Katt

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