October 21 - Dying.
Bought sheets today... always nice to have new bed linen.. spent too much money, money we don't have, mind you with our degree of debt (primarily student loans...) all the money we spend is money we don't have. Going to have to get a real job, full time, probably, one of these days... maybe. or maybe not. Our bed is like a little sanctuary... altar, place of worship... rejuvenation, blah blah blah.. so sheets are justified. Then the old sheets, which were still good, just didn't look as lush next to the new sheets.. and so I dashed out and bought fabric dye.. now I'm dying sheets. Once you start me dying.. watch out. I start rethinking all my cloth items... okay.. how much red dye does the store have in stock?... These are the kinds of weird things that are apt to happen during my period where I connect even stronger with the colour red than other days... I know, I'm a strange kitten. I want my world red, and then I menstruate.. and I want it redder.
Better than in my teens... I dyed ALL my clothes black... all of them. The ones that wouldn't take dye, I destroyed.
Had an amazingly lovely yummy dinner last night with Ty and bi-boy, seeing them off, they are away for lovely Hawaiian vacations for the next 10 days... sun and surf. Happy for them, I'm living vicariously in my imagination. Last night we all went to the Latin Quarter Restaurant... and ate very very yummy tapas, and sangria, and listened to wonderful live music. And for the most part things were good.
Though I was told by both bi-boy and Wolfe later that I looked sad during dinner. I guess I was feeling a bit of trepidation at getting together, I think we've had some awkward connections, miscommunications, emotional run-ins.. and now I'm a little, reserved. Cautious. I feel like I'm unsure of how safe it is to voice my feelings, my thoughts, at times... and I'm avoiding potential conflict. I think that in part makes me feel sad, like I have to distance myself, emotionally. Not necessarily cool entirely, but it's a place of compromise I feel the best option for me at this time. To feel safe, to not trespass into other peoples comfort zones.. To generally be less intense. Though I did go blurting out some intensive statement around cheesecake that was a total encapsulated metaphor of exactly what I was feeling. I mentally smucked myself upside the head the second it was out of my mouth... I have a hard time repressing my feelings.. and my gemini nature does duel with itself, and then some deep sassy sharp witted aspect of my psyche will just snap something out like that. Best laid plans undermined with one statement. Though the appeal of metaphor, is it makes it easier for people who really don't want to hear it, not to, or at least not to peel back the layers of analysis too deep. I think it may take time to build some good trust and communication, and hopefully there will be the patience, mine and others, to support that. I hope we're all able to be on board with finding a balance of disclosure and support, connectedness versus remoteness... that type of thing.
If there is one thing that studies, experience, etc.. has named as one of the most key elements in a relationship.. it's balance. Balance can mean a lot of things, but I think the key element is really feeling that you are getting out what you put in. And if you feel out of balance, whether the other person(s) is(are) not giving enough, or giving too much... the relationship is strained. Sometimes being out of balance can be a good thing.. if it is part of a process of movement that is towards balance... complicated.
In some ways, I'm almost happy for the physical separation for a stretch of time. I think it may allow me to create better boundaries, and pull back into a more 'in balance' emotional separation when they return. My perception is that some of my intensity in terms of my emotional expression, my hopes and dreams... me in general, was just too much too fast. It's hard, because it's what it is, and I don't -like- a lot of boundaries.. I like to emote.
On the other hand... after dinner snuggling was great.. and I heard and felt things that were comforting and reassuring for me to hear. Generally, Wolfe and I felt very positive about the evening.
It's tricky... my gut says it will either work, and work amazingly... Or... some of the issues around communication, control, emotions and emotional boundaries... degree of intimacy, commitment, and how those things interconnect, will just not mesh together for us. I think relationships, take work... and commitment, at some level, depending on the depth of the relationship. I think relationships that are unconventional, and involve more people, have their own set of unique challenges, that might take more work.. and certainly.. some kind of agreed on commitment. Even if it's a commitment to something casual and non-committal.. it's all about that balance thing again. People have to be generally wanting and working towards similar relationship goals. Problem may be, that I'm big into depth.. I can't do 'shallow' and I can't do 'repressed'... at least not long term... so will have to see what that is feeling like in the future. I think the fact... that I feel a bit unsafe, just expressing this here.. worried about potential interpretations, expectations, etc, is one of the things that concerns me most. Given that.. it's probably a good time to leave off.
Just checking my old sheets in the dying process.. and they are looking lovely intensely orangey-red
They're going to look scrumptious mixed and matched with my new sheets... :)
Live in
love...
Katt