October 18th - Reflections
A lot of things about 'sleepovers' haven't changed much since I was a kid. On weekends my girlfriends and I would often swap sleeping over at one another's homes. They were definitely bonding experiences. Some urge drawing people who care about one another together to want to share space together throughout the dark of the night. These events seemed very much to not be about sleeping - so who knows why they call them sleepovers... but about some type of acknowledgement of a special relationship.
I would remember going over to my friends house, and we would always stay up later than we should have... chatting, connecting, sometimes with a silly edge. Letting down some of our social guards in the confines of that 'bedroom sanctuary'... the temple in which we return to the womb... the place where we are often at our most childish, or most vulnerable. Somewhere along the line we would get tired, through that adrenaline edge of 'getting to hang out together through the night sensation', and decide that the lights should go off. Though invariably.. the chatter would continue for a while... exchanging jokes, cuddles, giggles, something... hard to sleep in that energy. Then half the time in a sleepover you're in a strange location, so when you do finally sleep, it's often a fitful and incomplete feeling. Too little too late on some alien mattress surrounded by strange shadows and sounds, but for the most part you don't care, because you're too happy and pumped just to be hanging out with your best friend.
Like I said, things haven't changed much.. except that given the respective schedules of the friends involved in the present tense.. there doesn't seem to be a single night that's not a 'school night' for someone. So we've been having sleepover's on 'school nights'. Which is probably naughty. It's certainly more complicated. Especially when the trappings of the adult world require more precision in appropriate uniform, accessories, and often a degree of clarity that comes from sleep that you don't get when you're having a sleep over...
Then there's also the whole libido dimension... not that I wasn't horny as hell as a kid during those sleepovers, but my strategy then was to wait till my playmates had fallen fast asleep and then do a quick quiet masturbation so that I could burn off some of that energy and fall asleep. Now I either ignore it... or because my playmates are also my lovers.. we have sex, but then the sex adds a whole new dimension to staying up to ridiculous hours. I could masturbate now in those situations, but the odds that I would get caught and that that would lead to sex are pretty damned high.
Am I complaining? Nope. I love it, exhausted and functioning on some combination of endorphins that my body cooks up for me after nights like that. Sex or no sex... spending the night with someone I care about, sharing... little stuff, but on a deep level. Probably shouldn't do it too often, but then I'm not a particularly practical person. The reluctance I do have is more for my sleeping partners than for myself. I know how to recharge myself in odd hours and ways, meet my needs through naps and meditation, bargaining with my psyche, cutting something I thought was important but really isn't out of my schedule to meet my needs. Most of my concern comes from engaging in an activity that I know is draining for the others involved, which could be of detriment to them, and to the relationship as a whole. I think the potential for burn out for some parties is huge. Maybe all the other parties?...Problem is, how do you cut a 'relationship' out of a schedule to save the 'relationship'.. you don't. It's a total catch 22.
Though as a general rule, in places approaching the possibility for burn out, I've learned, you do more, doing less. At least for me, though it took me forever to get to that place. I had to burn out first. I used to be, a total Type A personality, workaholic, filling every hour of every day with what I felt was meaningful activity, even my relaxation time was structured, with what I felt to be worthy unwinding activities.
I didn't want to 'waste' any of my life. I'd work fulltime, often a couple of jobs, school full time.. always, usually various other projects on the go, like when I was co-chair person of the holistic healing association (what irony... here I was burning myself out, and I'm volunteering for a healing association that embraces the concept of holism). People around me were always stunned and amazed at how much I 'did', the sheer volume of my projects and accomplishments, and I'd get a lot of validation out of feeling like some kind of super woman... but the thing was, I was so profoundly 'disconnected' in what I was doing. In fact I kept myself busy as a way of disconnecting.
I had this idea that I had to do 'meaningful' things with my life, and those were 'activities' things I could measure, see results of, keep myself busy with. I was trying to externalize my need to have control and peace, and a sense of purpose. Not only that, but if I wasn't busy with meaningful things, then, I'd be still with myself, my thoughts, feelings, emotions.. and that was the reality of it, I was distracting myself from what was going on inside of me, keeping my connection to myself shallow through engaging with the world in a ferocious fashion, afraid to look inward. Finally I did burn out, thankfully, and now.. well, I'm pacing myself. Which can be hard to do, maybe sometimes I'm a little too cautious.. erring on the side of too little, rather than too much. But, oh, how I've come to value that approach in my life. The level of connection to myself, and awareness of my own process, needs, etc... is so much more profound than it was, that when I am slacking, at least I'm doing it with awareness.. <laugh>.
I do so much 'less' with my life now... but it means so much 'more'. Not just to myself, but to others as well. I take much fewer actions, but those I do take, are much more effective. It's a lot like martial arts.. I'm not wasting energy on wasted movements. I try to make every movement, have a purpose. Don't mistake my lack of motion, activity, or visible process or progress as complacency, it is as focused and purposeful as when I do choose to move, and the stillness and absence of action, as important to the balance as the action itself.
I guess a lot of this entry comes from reflecting lately over where I want to move into the future now, feeling as if I've entered a period of stillness, and how that relates to others around me. I think part of it, is I'm not entirely satisfied with my movement in life at this precise moment. I would like to be working as a therapist.. where my training is, as well as other things that I would like to do with my life. The thing is though... I'm particular about what that looks like for me, and I don't particularly want to compromise.
So rather than make myself busy trying to undertake one or two close approximations of the thing I wish to do, since I'm not technically able to do precisely as I'd wish to at this time.. will I or won't I be taking myself closer to my goal? Up to this point, I've decided to wait it out a bit, pace myself, listen to myself... attend. I've only just recently graduated, and I'm not in a rush to make a commitment to a work situation that won't be right for me, particularly because I don't want a paper trail of work instability. I don't want to be stuck somewhere I feel isn't right for me, and I don't want to be jumping ship either. Also, if I throw myself temporarily into a flurry of activity and work and projects.. I won't be able to take the time I need to to listen to myself, remain connected, and find the path to meet my greater goals. I know from experience, day after day of work and project filled day will fly by.. and I don't want to 'waste' a few years in that process.. to wake up and go.. 'oh, I'm still doing this... this isn't really what I wanted'. At any rate... I feel like I'm getting closer, moving, in my stillness, in my minds eye, towards formulating some more concrete plans... which for me, are always very fluid... reflective. Have to be, life is too precious... to be wasted.
I'm not going to forge full speed ahead to climb the ladder of success, focused and determined, making sacrifices, perhaps of things that can never be regained... only to find years later, that the ladder I'm climbing, is propped up against the wrong building or wall. I don't want to find myself, precariously perched in that spot. I've seen way too many people go that route. I'd rather sit down here a bit now, and make some careful observations and choices... That is, if I ever want to make it, to where I really want to go.
XOX
Katt