October 12th - More unsafety
Quiet day today.. last few days of intense emailing between the four of us.. well, probably more accurate to say between the two couples, rather than between the four of us. As much as I'd have liked it, I don't think we've come close to quad status. Things are looking tense but friendly. Hoping to pick up some pieces and find some common ground. So many communication breakdowns, feeling lost, confused, turned upside down and inside out. Not sure how to make anything right, feeling defeated, yet calm and relatively centered in despite of that. Focused on attending to myself and my inner voice. Trying to be clear, speak clear, understand myself, and others... difficult.
Woke up today... read and wrote e-mail, and then some poetry... the earlier entry for today, the three unsafe poems.
Went to meet Wolfe for lunch, and wrote some more poetry in my portable paper journal, which I don't use very often, while waiting for him in the restaurant. I definitely find poetry is the most direct way for me to connect with my feelings. Though they're often highly symbolic, they work best for me as a way to work things through.
I hesitate to post them, because the potential for miscommunication and understanding is always high, but at the same time, there you go, my selfish desire to express myself uncensored rules out. I still figure, despite many misunderstandings... that I'm better off continuing to put outside of me, what's inside, and share it. If it's unwanted, then people have the option of turning away. If I don't speak it... well then, who is it they're getting anyways? it wouldn't be me.
Even more unsafe poetry...
Mother Confessor
Not just the investigator,
but the interrogator
accomplishing your mission
under strong lights
and repeated statements of the facts
I've broken.
I feel broken.
I confess, my sins, my crimes
I love you too much
and yes I've lied, lied to you,
and lied to me.
Yes, the liar, the criminal
Yes, I wanted you too much and I pushed you
I confess it all now.
You had clearly told me, what I wanted was a crime.
that it was wrong, for the time.
I cannot plead ignorance of the law, I knew what I did.
but, still, I wanted it.
and now I confess... I confess it all
When you stood before me... judge, jury and executioner
and laid down the law.. that I could not want that...
I tried to stop, tried to hide my crime, tried.. fear struck
knowing the penalty,
push me and I'll go, you said
try to take too much and you'll have nothing from me...
and so I tried to hide my crimes
and yet, I could not stop myself...
I suppose that is a sentiment, common among psychotic criminals,
that I was powerless in my compulsions.
Accepted, my sentence
guilty
as charged.
So after poetry, and lunch together, Wolfe and I, I went to the dojo and sat in meditation for about 20 minutes and just did some light stretching after that. Ran errands, banking, buying material to have some pants made... Felt pretty good, considering. Now I'm home again... relaying the lunch poem here, and writing in general about my day... feeling... pretty quiet, overwhelmed by life, defeated and worn down by relationship conflicts... like I have very little left to give of myself. Like I've been running in circles for days, or that I've been trying to put water back in a container where there's a hole, and the more I try to fix it, and the more I try to put the water back... the bigger I make the hole. I know part of that is my technique... rushed, panicking, terrified... see I'm still in the desert.. and this might be the last of my water. Though now that it's all starting to sink into the sand.. I've got this strange sense of calm. Oh.. there it goes...
To all the people I've ever had in my life, past, present and future... I apologize... I apologize for:
- being
a drama queen and a know it all.
- For my tendencies to over-react (part of being a drama queen I suppose)
- For being argumentative and opinionated.
- For wanting too much and being too intense.
- For being selfish.
- For having very loose boundaries.
- For my little martyr complex (don't you love the irony of that in this
list...)
- For being scared, scared, scared, of many many things.
- For sometimes letting my fears get in the way of my growth.
- For not being stronger.
- For only being human, and not being human enough.
- For being a perfectionist (don't you love the irony of that in this list...
haven't I said that somewhere before)
- For occasional forays of running away and/or hiding.
- For my use of dark humor and/or sarcasm in an attempt to cope with the world.
- For my occasional strikes out in anger when I feel the most frightened and
hurt (the thing I hate most from my mother that I've adopted)
- For my forays into intense self-depreciation, self-blame and guilt when things go wrong.
I'm
sure I've forgotten a whole bunch of stuff.. but there you have it. (Feel
free to remind me)
Am I changing?... seeing as there's the perfectionist part.. yes I'm trying, as
always, to work on my stuff. On the other hand.. I know and accept... I'm
always going to carry my share of crap. We're all going to have a fair bit of
our own shit, and I may be left with some pretty big flaws when all is said and
done. So far, I figure on the whole, I'm still doing more to make
the world a better place than I am in general fucking up... so I'll continue
along as best I can.
Okay.. that's enough of this stuff.