October 10th - thoughts
I wish Wolfe weren't
working so much at the dojo lately.. it's been hard on him, and hard on
me.
I spend a lot more time alone than I'd like to. We can go for long periods
apart.. and have lived in different cities for a few months, and managed
fine. Just at this time in our lives I feel the need to talk with him
more, and connect with him more, especially about what's going on for us with
the couple we've been dating.. Ty and bi-boy. I've never felt like
I've been working through so much serious relationship stuff, yet so much of it
alone.. and feeling like, how can I do that.. when it involves all these other
people. Leaves me feeling more than a little lost.
I feel a little like I'm feeling my way around in the dark.. navigating by touch.
When I'm with them, Ty and bi-boy, together, or separately, I feel most of the time, entirely loved and connected with them. Then there is the other feeling, usually when we're apart, but not always, of just not feeling at all very important, or a priority in their lives. Now part of that may just be different relationship dynamics. Wolfe and I are very very connected, and to a very unusual degree compared to what we see in most other couples.. so sometimes I think what most normal healthy relationships are going to look like may seem distant to me. Though I don't think Wolfe and I are close in an unhealthy way. We put our relationship first before other elements in our life.. and are dedicated to growing together, not holding one another back in dependence.. but supporting one another's independence together.
Whenever we've had issues in our relationship, Wolfe and I, we've both striven to communicate and feel our way through them. Obstacles to being connected would be dissolved in an intense effort to come to common ground and evaluate one another's needs and dreams, and to plan together... leading to things almost always being on very solid ground. With the knowledge and understanding, that everything else took a back seat to that... by necessity, family, work, sleep... would come for the most part second. Not always mind you, we don't shirk life responsibilities.. but would pause and listen and weigh the priority of the situation, and one another, to make a decision. We'd get our headspace sorted out first, and then have the united energy to deal with the rest of the world out of our inner circle of being.
Now with Ty and bi-boy, I don't know what communication situation they have sorted out there.. with one another, so it's hard to know how they relate differently to us than one another or not. I know we relate differently to them.. that the 'wanting to sort things out' energy that Wolfe and I have together isn't something we have in common with them. No one's dropped anything to come work out crisis, or conflicts.. things are shelved to be dealt with later, or maybe not at all. I know a lot of the stuff we're talking about now, if it was stuff Wolfe and I trying to sort out when we were dating, I'd be on my way out to see him, or he'd be driving out to see me, as we'd be sharing the 'need to talk about this, connect over this, support you, love you, now' energy going on. It would be 'lets sort this out'. Instead I feel like everyone's off in their little corners... and It's hard for me to relate the casual, laid back, distant communication, life planning, etc, they do with the intensity of the love and connection I feel when we're together.. makes my head spin, and makes me feel really really unsafe.
On one hand, I know this is a new relationship.. and that they don't 'owe' me anything.. on the other hand, I know what my heart and my spirit says to me, and I have to figure out how to honor that in this situation.
Part of me acknowledging that as much as I love them, and as much as there seems to be reciprocal love, and as much as our spirits connect, maybe we don't have the emotional skills as a group to come together in a way were we can do that justice. I'm also starting to think doing it part way might be impossible for me... To be close but not connected in the way I feel is right and meaningful with the people I love, what that is going to do to my insides? Can I grow old with that 'what could have been' at the end of my fingertips all my life?
Now granted, it hasn't been ruled out that I'm not getting that.. that's part of the emotional roller coaster ride I'm on right now... The conflicting messages of 'want to maybe live and share a home and maybe co-parent someday.. lets explore the possibilities' type conversations.. which happened earlier on actually in the relationship and have now mostly dissipated. Combined with them searching for a long term living arrangement to raise a child in that is exclusive of the possibility of us living with them. Combined with the occasional statement from bi-boy that sounds like 'I really don't want to do this semi-permanent not living together house buying thing'. So then I wonder, does he want stuff that he's not communicating with Ty? or are they communicating and she's just shutting down around it like she does when I try to bring it up.. chalking all discussions of possible house hunting on hold and life sharing possibilities as pressure for us to move in together now..? or???? Fumbling around in the dark.
Now I've been told not to execute pressure, to have respect for boundaries, and to give things time.. so that we can just continue to get to know one another better.. and all of those things sound good to me. If it weren't for the context of, in the mean time, we're going to go off and continue along like this relationship isn't happening, and that there is little to no possibility of it going further. Actions.. louder than words... words, as powerful as they are with the intensity of the love behind them, infrequent. If I listen to their spirits.. their energy, our connectedness.. and trust that that's what can be followed, then I know things would work out, problem is, I can't listen to that. Why? because I can't trust that other people are following that. In fact, evidence would show, they are not. So what to do.. well, it's too early for me to give up, so it's been an attempt for me to slow down, which isn't working very well for me emotionally . Will I give up? You betchya... at some point, yes I will. No matter how strong the love, and how strong the spirit, if people make choices in conflict to that.. if there isn't the flow that my soul tells me there should be, I can't live a life of compromising some things.. I simply can't. I can't turn off my inner voice, I can't shut it down, and I can live with some conflict and some pain for some time, but not in permanence. My spirit has to be free, and I would rather fly alone, than grounded to be close to the ones I love, because I do no one any favors in that. May sound egotistical, but there you have it.
live in love...
Katt