October 9th - Tumblings
Intense day yesterday... Little mini breakdown. Thinking about going to try to get some counseling, will talk to my family Dr. about referrals for someone who is queer/poly/alternative friendly.. though the odds of getting a psychiatrist (someone covered by my medical) with those qualities is slim, so I'll have to watch the budget to pay for a therapist.
I had quite the little freak out actually.. was totally not cool, and I was very unfair to Wolfe. I couldn't cope at all with what was going on inside of me, and felt very very desperate. I opted for going out and getting drunk, which I knew was no solution at all, but felt like the safest of alternatives for getting the fuck out of my head at that moment. Felt like something inside of me was being stretched to the limit.. and could go 'snap' at any moment, and I was terrified.
As it is I feel like I've lost a part of myself.. walled some stuff off, shut down.
Feeling a bit frail... confused, frightened. I think sometimes people have a hard time negotiating that part of me with who I am all around. A lot of people do their best to hide the parts of themselves they see as weak, or as frightening, or somehow 'bad'... I don't believe in that. We all have our wounds, our frailties.. we're all human. We all have our share of emotional shit. Strength comes not in portraying only those qualities you hold in esteem, but embracing what you consider to be your weaknesses as well. If you don't embrace them, you can't know them, and it's what you don't know about yourself that will impede your progress in life.. those things you hide away, that will motivate your actions from dark corners of your being. I'd rather air mine out, even if it's not always the picture of perfect mental health.. it's reality. I believe the saying that a wise man knows himself to be a fool, and the fool thinks himself to be a wise man.. I think you could say the same about strength.. those that think themselves strong are likely weak, and those that feel they have the greatest understanding of 'truth'... are perhaps the most delusional. So I'm feeling lost, and this is where I am.. and it's okay.
It was totally not okay last night... and I'm happy I didn't sustain that head space for long. Self medicating with over the counter alcoholic beverages wasn't ideal... but I was feeling pretty desperate... thought about checking myself into local hospital even.. but then those guys can get over zealous.. I decided I'd rather have beers and a martini than anti-psychotics, and see how I felt in the morning... I think it was a not bad call. Functioning today.
I have the first few strands of information of this big emotional knot.. that I know with the right help I can unravel it. I know I'm being triggered by my relationship with Ty, so I know it has to do with stuff with me around women.. probably mother issues. Strong need to be nurtured and loved, and not feel walled out.. and I know I create a lot of that dynamic... out of my expectations of being hurt and rejected. I feel like I'm dancing a familiar dance with Ty, and we both know the steps all too well.. and it's somewhere I just can't go. The old wounds it opens.. too deep, stuff I thought was healed well, maybe instead harboring deep infections. I also know though, that I think I'm past the 'freak out' stage...
It's like last night.. what I thought were old scars.. well healed.. opened up.. and the sight of all that blood.. emotional abscesses.. hemorrhaging.. well, I went into shock.. I freaked out.. thought I was coming apart.. and now that I've sit and bled for a bit.. I've calmed, stepped back.. and gone.. whoa.. will you look the fuck at that! Now I've kind of settled into it, and I can start patching myself up again.. but I want to make damn well sure.. that I get all the infection out of there first.. I'm not just going to slap some half asses bandages on this and walk away.. that would be folly.
So here I am... working on it.
A strong fighter.. knows that they're not going to be able to block all the strikes.. that they're going to get hit, and that they are going to get hurt. Being strong isn't pretending that you're above taking a shot in the jaw.. and it's not about ignoring the pain.. it's about working with it, acknowledging it... assessing it, being aware of whether or not it limits you, and how.. and then to keep going, I may have taken a little roll.. paused on the mat for a bit.. but I'm up again now... watch out for my right uppercut.
XO
Katt