October 8th - Grit
Hey.. feeling blue...
There's a lot of sand blowing through my oasis... The nature of reality is at the very least dualistic, and I know, a lot more complicated than just that. What to trust?... Trust direct experience and action. Trust not what people say, but what they do, and do not. It's not what the people close to you tell you, but how they treat you, the choices they make in life, personal and interpersonal, that expresses who they are, and how they love you. Listen to that...
For the nature of reality.. I also believe we create it, a lot of it. The parts where we come together.. co-create it. And I suppose in a way we co-create all of it then, for really we brush up against one another, everything, the infinite.. all the time, just not often with awareness.
This relationship.. connectedness.. On and then off a bit, connected, and then faltering.. not a black out.. just the lights flickering around me. Do I expect to feel connected all the time.. not really as such, but the level of barriers I do feel is disconcerting. Maybe the barriers are inevitable.. maybe our society, our biology, or something conspires to make my dreams a fallacy of impossibility. When my soul whispers to me.. and sings me sweet lullaby's.. could it lie? That is a very horrible thought.
In my soul.. I'm gathering candles.. should the lights go out. It may only be a temporary power outage coming.. but I have a feeling I may need a few.
I feel too full of longing. Too often that adolescent dreamer sitting by the phone. Making the potential phone call from the boy next door I priority.. while really he has a dozen other things on his mind. I guess I am an idealist, and a romantic.. and likely a fool. Problem is I'm not sure I want to change. It's where my values are.. and if I surrender them.. then what do I become? Probably somebody else's version of 'successful'. So do I abandon my post, my efforts, my intensity to wander off and distract myself from my passions? I suppose that would be a realistic choice to make, and some would say a healthier one. I'm not so sure.
I think, in order to be fair to myself... I need to listen.. I need to listen to the actions of the people around myself, and own up to grit of the reality of what is happening, between us, now. I may very well be in an oasis.. not a mirage, but for certain.. it's not at this point, paradise. Granted, with time and effort things may move towards that direction.. but realistically, if there is movement in that direction now, it's only movement of the mind and not action based reality.
Reality is, Ty and bi-boy -are- currently making long term plans that would make a really close connected poly family type relationship impossible, or at the very least difficult. Not a priority.
Essentially, they are engaged in wonderful nesting, family planning, life planning.. that is based on a traditional nuclear family model. Which I have no problem with.. it's just not the level of relationship I'm looking for, ideally. We talked about it already... and basically heard where one another was coming from.
I know this part of my journal may not sit well, especially with Ty, who feels pushed by me stating my hopes and feelings. Does that mean I can't have a relationship with them? Not at all, I can even have a poly relationship, it's just not looking like family/life sharing poly, but the more common 'dating' style poly. What it does mean is that I have to re-define the relationship as: friends, who love and care for one another, and who are intimate, but who retain exclusive connections to their partners.
I think that's the bridge I have to find a way to cross, to rewire, that I've overstepped, and that even it if it makes other people angry.. In order to be fair to them and to me, I absolutely have to take people at the face value of their actions, and not their words.
What I've heard is that there is an expectation that things may change in time... and that would be wonderful, but in the meantime, I need to be on board with reality now. Reality now, is house hunting continues. (not asking you to stop, just looking at the action, and realizing I'm having inappropriate expectations.. ) So it's me that needs to make changes.
So I
owe the people I love, and myself, an apology... for creating pressure, from my
longings.. bubbling up inside of me. I can't change the nature of them,
but I can change my behavior and
I can redefine a relationship that makes sense given that chosen
structure. I will push less.. because it's not only not fair for you,
threatening, etc.. but exhausting for me. And I will make space.
Just know that across that space, I'm there, and always will be.. should your course of action change. In the meantime... for everyone's sake, I'll endeavor to tone down my intensity, and to focus more on the internal upkeep of my own emotional needs... Given current actions and choices of those around me, it's what I feel I need to do, to be in balance...
<kisses>
Katt