October 2nd - Pass me the mug.
Okay.. me here, waking up and smelling the coffee, Go with the flow... that's my motto. I'm a tantric Taoist at heart...
Well, had an amazing weekend, and last night was the first night I've slept in my own bed instead of at Ty and bi-boy's place since the middle of last week some time. purrrrrrrrrrrrrr <smile> I feel so lucky for all that connection time, can honestly say I didn't really miss my bed.
Unfortunately was missing Ty for some of that time as she had to fly out of town for business <sigh>. Which corresponded for her being away over Saturday night, during which we had a blast at the local fetish event.. Body Perve.. danced most of the time, the music was really good this time around. Also got to meet the wonderful G from Victoria, friend of bi boy and Ty's.. very very cool, sweet, smart, funny, sexy, grrrrrrl. (Can't have too many of those in the world now can you). Stylish girl too <laugh> (I'm so vain... we were dressed almost identically - though she sported a very funky faux snakeskin cowboy hat). Pleather pants, pleather corset. She's one of these women who is voluptuously shaped.. like myself, and doesn't have enough appreciation for the power of all her generous soft curves. Not only that, but the package is comprised of pale freckled skin, red hair, and green eyes...She's plush. I'd say she was a goddess.. and it'd be true.. but she'd balk at that, there's only a little corner of herself that knows it to be true.. oops! I said it anyways.. oh well.
I think with Ty and bi-boy I'm finally starting to let go of some/most of my insecurities around the little relationship 'bumps' that come around.. and to trust that it's not going to all fall apart around me at the slightest moment. Feeling on more secure ground for the most part. I can feel my feelings deepen, more trust building around me, and some realism setting in, which I think are all important foundation elements for long term.
This is a related topic honestly.. but there is this local store that I love for bed linen, which used to be called something else, but now has gone online and changed their name to www.bed-online.com and they make all 100% Indian cotton sheets which they dye themselves in some beautiful colors.. The cotton is so soft that when you close your eyes and touch it, and touch most store quality flannel at the same time.. that they feel more like flannel than the flannel does. (That's how I convinced Wolfe to buy some in the first place, when back then he wanted flannel sheets - I made a deal that if he could tell which ones were flannel with his eyes closed, we'd buy flannel.. he couldn't) We bought some sheets from them a few years ago now, and they have worn so so well. So we're going to go shopping for some more in the next few days. Decided we'd buy a set of new linen for our regular bed... and also a set for the double futon we have.
So bed linen is a related topic.. It's kind of a symbolic investment/gesture/acknowledgement to myself that the 'sleepover'/separate bed/home stage is going to be around for a long/indefinite time, might as well embrace it and make it as comfortable and beautiful to myself as possible. Another good reason to get around to cleaning up this little corner of my world, have to re-connect with my space and my home, so I don't start feeling too divided. So today I'm going to do some house cleaning.. and I'm going to make a real effort to have some time with Wolfe this week where we can shift the art around a bit, even if we're not going to paint the walls in the near future.. have to do some shifting of things. Re-claim the space. It's not what I want, but it's what I have. If you can't have what you want, want what you have.
I need to want this space, feel good about this space, my home, so that I don't get to feeling like home is only where everybody is - which is starting to happen for me. Especially, given mostly the larger space thing, that usually means we're connecting the four of us together primarily in their living space. Neglecting our cats, our rats, our laundry.. house cleaning, and most importantly probably a little bit of my own spirit. (theirs.. ours.. grrrr) If you can't have what you want, want what you have.
I know, that if this is going to be functional.. people need to get enough sleep, enough time to do the day to day living of things... and that is going to mean a shifting down of gears. (Time for me to catch up in the 'practicality' department <smile>). If I can't twist everyone to my version of practicality.. then I need to go with the flow. If you can't have what you want, want what you have. I'm hoping more emotional connection will make less physical connection easier in some ways.. Wolfe and I are like that.. we can be apart with relative ease, because we 'feel' together, even when separated. I'd like to cash that reality check now please? <smile> Poly relationship formula's.. 4 people, 4 work schedules, 2 homes, 4 -2person sleeping spaces... too many important tasks happening in separate locations. Since sleep, and home maintenance, and work are non-optional important task elements.. well, you do the math. :) Need to maximize efficiency.. as it seems the figures involved are going to remain static for an undetermined space of time. So given that.. I'm going shopping. :) See.. I know how to problem solve! (Insert repetitive mantra to self here).
Temptation factor to alter the figures via cheating or voodoo.. high. Possibility of following through on the temptation.. nil. Damn ethics, always getting in the way...
Okay, won't talk about reality manipulation and free will in detail, or those of you who don't already think I'm psychotic will start to. (I probably am, but mostly non-harmless).
The nature of my reality.. is so far, as it stands... When I listen, what I hear: "I love you.. but"
What I need to do, is let that be okay for me. Because I know that ultimately it's me that labels it 'not good enough'.. and to center myself again, I need to count my blessings instead of striving for my yearnings... or in other words.. If you can't have what you want, want what you have.
Okay, I'm going to go clean something now...
XO
Katt
Oh.. site stuff.. <grin>.. actually I am really still channeling some of my energy into working on the site, and there are very many galleries in process right now, which should be up in the near future. Beautiful pictures.. you're going to love them. Coming soon, will update you in the 'what's new' area.. <kiss>