September 27th - Lots and lots...

Hmmm... so many things I want to talk about where to begin.  As you can see from the sporadic journal entries.  Life has been very full and busy lately.  Haven't been spending as much time at home lately, or in front of the computer/web cam for that matter.

Part One:  Shear madness... 

Let's start with the shearing and shaving on Saturday night... Wow.  

Very very very much fun.  <smile>  Was a bit challenging having four people in the little loft space though, usually two holding cameras and trying not to get in one another's way! <laugh> the space to move around in is about 6 feet by 6 feet max... and then I'm splayed out in part of that.  

The guys did great though with taking pictures and focusing in with the live cam.

It basically started with me and Ty.  Wolfe came in and tied my wrists for me... I'm a bondage slut, If it's not initiated I usually ask.  <smile>  

I loved just sitting at Ty's feet for a while, while we set up all the little technical details.

Then Ty clippered my head down for me, doing an absolutely amazing job of it.  Really building the tension and excitement for me.  Whispering sweet things to me, and having an amazing combination of gentle and firm control of my head and the clippers.   

After that Wolfe came in a bit to give some tips to Ty on shaving my head with the razor.

Though she wasn't entirely an idle watcher.

She's never done anything like that before.. though I must say she was a quick learner, and gave me a very good shaving. She's got amazing energy, which doesn't hurt.

(Can you see bi boy's hands and the digi-cam in the corner of the picture?... <grin>)

I ended up very smooth and very worked up, and very very happy... I love being the center of attention.  

      

After that I returned the favor.. and shaved her absolutely hot little pussy before I ate her out... <grrrrrrrrrr>  (I have a new favorite food.)   

    

Well... the fun didn't end there.. I sucked Wolfe's cock, and he came all over my head.. at one point in the evening too I had a little cropping and spanking from Ty.. a lot of it is a blur to me.  Thank goodness for pictures!  We were on cam for a couple of hours, and then needed to recoup.  Ty and I had a shower together, and we had some food and we all crashed out in a pile of snuggling on the bed for a while, connected, laughed, loved.

Well... still lots I want to talk about, so this entry is going to be a long one. 

Part 2 - Wake up and smell the coffee.  

I've never been a coffee drinker, neither Wolfe or I can stand the stuff.. now maybe I'm addicted vicariously.  I actually like the smell of coffee on Ty and on bi boy.  Even weirder.. I like their coffee breath.. now is that twisted or what?  <laugh>  Bi-boy was joking that the reason I crave their company is because of the caffeine in their sweat.  <laugh>... Ah-ha! so that's why I wake up longing for them.. hmmmmm.....

Actually seriously, huge reasons for my time being drawn away from home and the site, and everything else, is trying to see Ty and bi-boy as much as possible.  People addictions can be more complicated that way than to a substance.  It's not all at my whim and beck and call.. it takes scheduling cohesion of some kind to connect.   After all they have free will.. and most of the time, I think that's a good thing <grin>.

So what I really want to think/talk about is, the logistics of quad-love and making it work, and long term stuff... intentions, living together, etc...  This should be something I'm talking about directly with people, but when even a related topic comes up, it seems to get tense a bit, so I'm just going to talk to myself about it... then I know it's going to go the way I want it to. <grin>

I know I'm going to have a hard time, with the depth of my feelings, and thinking of this as a serious relationship... in dealing with living separately.
I can feel that starting to happen for me now.. lingering at night together, everyone exhausted, postponing the inevitable departure/separation to our discrete homes.  (I'm thinking, this would be so much easier, make so much sense if only... <groan!>). Lots of sleep-overs, late dates, and feeling like a scrabbling for an hour here and there to connect in, and knowing it's not going to always feel like enough.  Right now, it's working not too bad, other than shorting out on sleep every once and a while, an even messier home than usual, and things slowing down on the website... I haven't been overly affected.  I can't however, imagine this in the long-term.  I know my feelings are growing a little all the time, and that I do wake up wishing I could see the faces of the people I love.  

The feeling of being connected by having the security of being a family unit is what I really crave.  Even if I don't see Wolfe in the morning... his smell and his energy is all around me, I wake up in our den, the taste of the kiss he planted while I slept still lingering on my skin, I might not remember it, but I know it's there.

That said, I also know that in order for a relationship to really work, you have to get together where people meet on common ground... which is so far so good, because I'm not ready to move in with people tomorrow.  (Just the day after... :)   I also have my own set of particular values and boundaries around myself and connecting with others.   Though I do want deep connection, and intensity, and the whole nine yards, and soon! <laugh>  I also have issues around not losing my sense of self-esteem and identity in that.  

There are types of home/life sharing I'd be willing to do... and some actually, that I wouldn't.  

There are some situations I think I would feel would be de-valuing to my sense of self, based on my life goals, that I wouldn't settle for.  For instance, I could never rent from/to  a partner/spouse/lover... I can't negotiate someone I love as my 'landlord'/'tenant'.   

I'd also have a hard time house-sharing yet where things are still kept separated... if there was that kind of agreed upon separation by walls, finances, spaces, two discrete homes, side by side... it would feel, false to me somehow.
 I wouldn't want that, I don't think. Especially if it wasn't primarily a home/architectural style of my choosing.  I couldn't feel like a convenient attachment.  Definitely not into living in the spare suite/basement suite of a house... even if we owned the suite.. well, it would have to be a spectacular place to live in it's own right, and that's rare.  A duplex... well, again, it could work if I loved the space. Though I think even the proximity of the reminder of how it would be different... it's too close to my ideal without being it, that I think it would be painful.  To be in the same house, yet closed off.  It would be like living with Wolfe and him labeling what's his and what's mine, I'd feel shut out.  I think if it was going to have that degree of separation that I'd need a little space to cope as well.  The situation would create a distance in my heart that I would need to mirror with physical distance in order to keep my own center in balance.  I could see two houses on the same lot easier.  It's a weird thing I know, hard to describe exactly. Though I figure, what's a block or two walk?  If things were to be separate and just side by side, given that, I would likely rather have a home of my own choosing, and factor distance in.  Not ideal in many ways, but not sacrificing some of my core values in others.  

My dreamed ideal.. shared space.  With a lot of respect for peoples individual needs for space and privacy.  I prefer more 'ours' and less, 'mine/yours' dynamics in relationships, personally.  Do I expect my ideal.  Not really... though I need to be able to hold it, need it to be okay, that maybe I want something different/more than other people do, and that not be threatening.  Will I push for it? I guess that depends on how you define pushing... It's always going to be what I want, I know that, but I absolutely don't want people going there that don't want it too.  I know I can't make that part of it happen, it either does or it doesn't.  I also recognize that in some respects, Wolfe and I may not have as much of value to bring to a communal table.. so to speak.  I also know, ultimately, it's not a matter of how much I can give.

What am I saying really?  I'm totally in love with these totally amazing people that I want to combine and intertwine my life paths with as much as possible.  I crave their company, their touch.. to share life with.  Some people may think that's idealistic and not practical, after such a short time to be thinking about life sharing.  Especially in a totally unconventional way.  Well, to me, being practical has to do with a) recognizing what I want, really really want in life on a deep level.  b) figuring out the most direct route to meeting that goal.

   ... Thinking it's not practical based on looking at the reasons why I can't do what I want, especially the reasons that come from social conventions... well that's not practical.. that's just creating obstacles to meeting my goals... what could be less practical than that? <smile>.   

So.  I know what I want, on a really deep level. I'm also a pretty intuitive person and I have a pretty good gut feeling on what others want on a really deep level.  So this is where the pushy part of my personality comes in... time to wake up and smell the coffee.

Am I totally insane?  Yes, in the best possible total way.

e-mail me!

XOX
Katt

A private P.S.:
G and J in Victoria.. looking forward to meeting you this weekend.  :)