September 20th - Tantric Chicken.

A pic of me eating chicken on the cam last night...  Ty captured it for me while we were chatting and sent it to me last night. There is this really cheap and greasy fried chicken place right on the corner of our block, and it makes it entirely to easy to pick up food there, especially late at night. 

Now, if you're eating while you're computing, you have to constantly work on grease removal on your fingers (though Wolfe still complained afterwards that the mouse was slick).  So that for me means, tear off a bit, eat it, lick my fingers, wipe them on a napkin.. and repeat the process till the chicken's done.   So icq'ing with Ty last night, and she says I'm doing that seductive eating thing.. which I wasn't (well entirely) trying to do at that point, just eat regularly... so then I did play for a little bit at seductively eating some of it.  I think part of it, is when you spend a lot of time in life trying to do things a certain way.. say for me seductively - because I'm in front of an adult web cam alot, or posing for pictures, that after a while, part of it just becomes ingrained.  It's like I've trained myself for the camera, I know what tends to work for me and what doesn't, and some of it becomes second nature.  

I think for me though a lot of it started even before the site, all the way back to childhood, I was always fascinated with interaction between people and how different people had such different effects on other people.  There were the kids that were tortured and hated and despised, there were the popular kids, there were the charming kids that could wrap adults around their little fingers.  

I wasn't a popular little girl.  Though I didn't fit in the general geek category either... I was teased occasionally, but it seemed to be that the other kids were as confused to where I fit into that strange social hierarchy kids create.  I never fit into any of the categories.. even the 'other' category...  the little miscellaneous group of kids, I really was a loner.  

It almost seemed like I made the other kids uncomfortable, for the most part I did my own thing.  There were usually a few other kids that befriended me... but I was mostly focused on making up my own games, though others would join in... usually rife with fantasy and bizarre elements, or I was deep in a book, or most often drawing.  I also found that one on one kids from all the different 'groups' would connect with me.  Approach me for odd conversations in the bathroom, or running into one another off of school property, or even invite me over to play, it's like, they wanted to connect, but not when anyone else was looking.  

I feel like things haven't really changed all that much for me.. like in my work place, I pretty much do my own thing, most people get along with me, though they give me space, and they tend to form stronger friendships with one another, some of them are dogged on by other staff, though at work I'm not one of the popular people, and I'm not really dogged on either, the occasional person doesn't like me and speaks badly of me, but mostly... I have people connect with me one on one in private to talk about things, sometimes things they say they've not talked to anyone else about before, or certainly not people at work... they whisper to me about things in odd corners, confidential things.. confessions of a sort, perhaps.

At any rate.. I have always been fascinated with how people react to one another, and how different characteristics people have bring out different things in others around them.  I've played sometimes, subtly, with my own ability to influence how people react to me.. though you know, I never really wanted to be one of those popular kids.  I didn't like what I saw them having to do in order to be in that group... most of them anyways.  There were the occasional ones who just by virtue of a sweet nature and a pretty face were beloved by everyone.. but those were rare.  Most of the popular crowd did things to earn an in, and some of them seemed to me to be being very false to themselves and/or others.  I've always been focused on being real.. which is funny because I have a very expansive definition of what that means.. <laugh>... the nature of reality being something subjective, but real to me, guided by my inner voice.

Well, I eat chicken like I do most things in life... It's based on completing a basic task, but it's been honed to involve a portrayal of me, of what's real to me, of where I feel my strengths are.  A lot of that for me revolves around the power in sexual energy.  Though I certainly feel I have other strengths in other areas and my identity certainly doesn't revolve *entirely* around sex <laugh>.  
I find it interesting, that often in our society this is looked down on.. that women who identify a lot of their power in a sexual way, are somehow seen as dis-empowered, or de-valuing some other part of themselves, or have learned it through an abusive process.  I disagree.. these things can and do happen, but sexual/sensual power in and of itself is not abusive or corrupt or devalues other parts of a persons being.  I also think that part of the reason this does happen with relative frequency in our society has to do with the way that we as a society handle the whole area of sex... not well.
I don't feel I turn to sex out of feeling inferior in other ways... I turn to sex because I love it.  It feels so connected to the core of our energy and our life force.. tied into our creative drives, magical, powerful, wonderful stuff.  I like to revel in the sensuality of life... connect with the erotic forces around me,  the sensual acts of eating, bathing, walking, movement, rain on my face, catching peoples eye, smiling, subtle encouragements to others to wake up, flick their pilot light on... I find for me there is a strong tie to connecting with the spiritual, with the world around me, and with a level of 'arousal' that has a very sensual/sexual quality.  I'm sure there are many other ways to connect to the numinous without it being erotic... but it worked for Crowley, and it works for me (though I think we have very different approaches on the matter).

Now I wonder if I want to have as wide spread an influence as Crowley if I'm going to have to start wearing those silly ceremonial hats...

I'm giving everyone reading today 'homework'... 

The next person that you see that you think is totally 'hot'... preferably a stranger... let yourself get caught up in that 'mmmmmmmmmmm nice' thing that happens inside you... let them know, subtly, that they've touched you in that way, subtly... little smile, sustained eye contact, nothing harassing now.. <laugh>, don't need an intense interaction.. sometimes the most powerful erotic moments are very very subtle.  Just let that energy flow.

Next time you eat something... enjoy it, your mouth is a sensual minefield... food is.. come on! you're putting something in your mouth!... eat it with your fingers if you can, be aware, really aware of how the food feels in your mouth, how it tastes... revel in the sensory sensuality of it.
Eating in public? hey that person of there is totally hot... (yes you can complete both homework assignments in one if you're erotically clever enough!)

Now don't skimp on this... if you're going to read my journal and take stuff from me, it's only fair that you comply every once in a while with some reasonable requests on my end.. no?... So you can't afford to buy a membership... now I'm just asking you to flirt a little.. with people, and maybe some food.  Besides, the damage is done, even if you -think- you're not going to comply.. it will be working around in your brain... resistance.. struggling.. I like that too you know, especially when I know eventually you're going to succumb... sometimes the best seductions are like that.  

<kisses>
Katt

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