September 14th - lonely?
I find it odd that sometimes I feel lonely, in this crowded world, and with people I love around me, and sometimes still, I feel disconnected, desolate and isolated a little.
Sometimes it happens when I am alone, and other times it can happen with people... I don't think loneliness is a given factor of alone-ness.. for I rarely feel lonely when alone. Just today. Feeling cut off from the world.. even though I have connected with people a bit today.
Feeling slightly wounded, slightly self pitying, not sure if I want to be not-lonely yet, wondering if given the opportunity to climb out and connect whether I'll do it, or sit in this little hole for a bit. Feeling vulnerable. If the phone rings, do I answer it? do I check who it is calling first or do I just ignore, push it away, the need, wallow in it.. the loneliness, a little longer, maybe, yes. Phone's ringing, ignore it.. won't check call display, no temptations. Liar. you know you would, and likely you'd answer.
Small voice inside whispers 'run away run away'... and I wonder, yes, but where is there to run to?... no where, no where to run, and do I really want to? or do I want to be captivated by this.. this nasty feeling, tension, sitting by the phone, needy, greedy, weak.. silly.
Moody, maybe even a little bitchy.. maybe I'm premenstrual... (break out the chocolate covered raisins!) Not much appetite today.. again, lunch (well breakfast technically?...) almost made me sick. (No I'm *not* pregnant, I've been fixed - have your pets spayed or neutered).
Yes, I am in love.
double whammy.. <laugh>...
Maybe that's it, I've never fallen in love with two people at the same time. Maybe it's like having two different cold viruses at the same time, I'm extra extra love sick. I move from feeling really good, to really scared.
Wanting too much, always wanting too much.
Need to go somewhere to drown, like a carnival or dancing...drowning on a crowded dance floor, I'd be even more alone there, than I am here. <smile>
Come on, you know I'm not the only one, that has sat by the phone, or that's hung on someone's words.. or... okay, I know some of you don't do it.. you tighten all up, push it all away and distract the shit out of yourselves.. well not me. I just sit with it.
And then I sit here and write things like this and constantly embarrass myself... twice today now, my earlier entry and now this one.
Hey, combine them and I could be doing something like selling myself into sexual slavery. <smile>... (anyone rich and powerful, and not too cruel, looking for someone 24/7?) <grin> That would be one way to run away and drown hmmm?
Okay.. I'm off to find new ways to wallow... maybe I'll gather the strength to run off and distract myself.
XO
Katt