September 14th - Fall is in the air.
Started playing around
on the cam last night with one of my fave little red winter coats, with 
lingerie
underneath and my black boots and a black wig on. Feeling very urban
slut. Wolfe soon came upstairs and very firmly confirmed those feelings...
I loved him climbing the steel ladder to the loft whispering "I want to fuck you on the cam"
I've
been living in sexual fantasy land lately...
and a lot of reality too... <smile> But I always want
to push it, think of the edge of my limits, where the greatest intensity lays..
somewhere usually for me
where fear and lust come together.
I like
to be dominant, but I don't know if it will ever push me over the edge the way
subbing out does. Reading Rice's Exit to Eden, isn't helping...
she's a brilliant writer, though I find that her quality drops a bit with her
erotica, and there is a bit of that corny romance element that works its way in
among the whips and chains. I am both totally compelled and totally
terrified by the idea of someone
I love going over that edge with me and getting into ultra dominant
mode. Hard, cruel, total Master/Mistress mode, where nothing but my
total abandonment of being and submission will do. Totally deliciously
terrifying. My current two edgiest fantasies are... HER and me totally
alone, with a strap-on, and her finding intense top space, lust, selfishness and
anger mixed in some exquisite punishing blend (hurt me?), but it has to be
real... I would rather have sincere vanilla sex than a forced attempt at
something that's just not flowing... flow is important. The second is
being alone with the boys, and part of some rough games... HE
in particularly terrifies me in some ways, because I think he's most of the time
been bottom, yet he
can be
incredibly intense and edgy (see fading bruises from bite marks on my chest...)
and because
of his extreme nurturing personality, exudes a sense of safety.. out of all of
them sometimes I think he could get away with doing the most extreme things to
me. Not sure I want to find out. Part of me is slightly humiliated
by my extreme desire as of late to be a sex toy... play with me?
please????... I'll beg! <groan> I even love the humiliation...
I hide a lot of all of it inside though, because I'm scared of rejection.. don't
want my partners overwhelmed by my excessively needy whimpy sub space.. though
here I am confessing anyways.. <grin>
(Let's not talk about this journal entry later guys... okay.. entirely too embarrassing....) But here I am in confession mode.. reminds me of a poem I wrote a while back... confessions, bdsm, feeling lost and found all at the same time...
Deliverance
whirling,
spinning, dancing
dervish like stumbling grace
staring
eyes
smudged face
Palms
raised sky
clad
crazed
seeking
nirvana, bodhi
bliss.
Distraction,
satisfaction
tantric
tumblings
speaking in tongues
a
rapturous kiss
The
Kundalini serpent rising
a Taoist priestess, in our midst
I
ching hexagrams dance in your eyes
Tarot
card promises
take me for a ride
pass
me the chalice
I want to take a sip
sacrificial
daggers
penance with the whip
The
cleric’s robe hangs parted
blood, bread and mead
Consecrated
holy host
the
rite of passage initiates and acolytes
atoning for our sins
there
is no god but man
we’ve
fallen from the clouds
to rape the earth in our hands
to
devour
and devour
and devour
to
fill our selves with the holy
to fill the hole with the soul
questing
for the San graal
the
numinous
the
promise
deliverance
Well my
world feels totally turned upside down and I love it... <smile>...
It would take a lot for me to lose my blissed out head space right now.
Mmmmm... I have the next two days off, and looking forward to sitting with my
feelings, hopefully in the company at times of others who share
similar/compatible yens and yearnings...
Since I'm in a
begging mood anyways... might as well go for the whole nine yards... If you read
my journal, and you like some of what I do here.. please please please consider
supporting the site with a 
membership.
(Wolfe is going to cringe at me for this.. he says people don't like to be asked
and it won't make any difference, but I don't believe that...) I really
want to be able to keep doing this and
want to try and make it viable.. and to do that I need support. I know some
people really can't afford to pay (I'm one of those people myself, who wish I
could easily drop a few bucks the way of some sites I really admire), but I also
know for some of you it would be no big deal... and if that's the case, please
consider. (there you go... total embarrassment journal entry today.. have
I no shame?... some, but not much! <grin>)
XOXOXOXOXOX... Katt
(come on.. pay for me.. degrade me with your cash...
let me whore my soul for you... )