September 13th - Jealousy comes from insecurity
multi-partner challenges...
I think one of the main adjustments of going from one partner exclusively yours to sharing is seeing other people connect with your partner in ways that you don't.
There can be a number of things that happen then for you... you can live vicariously and take pleasure in watching a connection or being involved or included by proxemics, which is the ideal and sometimes happens.
Or you can feel a bit wounded that here is something you may have tried to do in the past, and have felt rejected or struggled over, and now it's coming with comparative ease with a new partner.
I have occasionally had the latter happening, but luckily usually switch into the former most of the time. Though often there is this little twinge. Sometimes, mostly now in the past, there has been that unrealistic standard or wish that maybe one should be all things to one's partner.
Surprisingly enough, that hasn't happened for me at all in this current relationship, I'm not sure whether it's having had some experiences in the past, or whether it's the very high level of trust I have for the people involved, or somehow that I've grown, or likely a combination of those things. Though, when I think about it, I think another big factor in that is that Wolfe is perhaps the least intense or expressive, at least externally emotionally speaking, which likely makes it easier. There are less intense displays of connection with others with him, he represses more of his stuff, so there is less out there to be triggered by.
I think in the ideal poly relationship, people come to accept that everyone has different strengths, and different areas that they will excel in in terms of relationship skills and connections, or in life in general. That different people tend to take on more of some roles than others... That power structures always always exist in relationships no matter how much some would like to idealize the concept of equality in some kind of unreal balance.
Not that I don't believe in equality and balance in a relationship.. in fact I think it's critical, but I think in order to find it, you have to work with the way people really do come together, and you may have to question what you think of as balance. Will there be hierarchies? likely, to some extent, some people tend to be more leaders, and others more followers. Some more dominant, others more submissive, some more independent, others more dependent, some more nurturing others more introspective... etc, etc, etc... you find the balance by finding how you can best come together to support one another with your strengths.
Rather than being threatened by one person's take charge personality.. you find a way to make it work for you. When you're in pain, you go to who in that moment you feel is going to give you the specific support you need for that particular need...
I think in a healthy relationship, all that becomes okay, when the realization that there is balance, comes into play. Just like in traditional families... one parent may discipline the child more, and have those serious talks more, the child may turn to a particular parent more for comfort "no!, I want mommy!" The child instinctively forms patterns of relationships where they feel their needs can best be met with a particular parent.. and sometimes for some things it will be an equal thing, or a both together thing.. but often enough... certain times there may be preferences for certain types of interactions with certain people in certain contexts.
I think the difficulty comes when our self esteem issues get in the way, and when we don't fully recognize or value the strengths we do have and what we do offer one another and the world.
The parent that huffs away hurt because the child always wants the other partner when she skins her knee is wounding themselves and the other partner and the child too. That's where the self esteem gets damaged to begin with. The partner nurturing the child with the skinned knee as the other parent walks away.. feels hurt, guilty, angry.. some of that anger maybe turned inward, the child also feels the confusion, their need/desire for this person to nurture them is wrong... we question ourselves and our sense of self and self esteem is damaged.... Then we in turn come to feel threatened. Sounds like the start of a potential cycle?
If instead we can celebrate our partners strength, how wonderful it is that that nurturing bound exists there between that parent and child, that we can move back to give it space to happen, and feel the peace and love in it, and be filled with the warmth of the experience to see 'look how wonderfully nurturing and loving my partner is being to my child, and look how secure my child is now, and how the pain is melting away'... well who knows.. one day you may be sitting out and watch your child fall, and you may instinctively stand up and say, "hang on honey, I'm going to go get mommy" and you're child will just come running to your arms directly... because you've just communicated to them, that you absolutely honor and care for them, and you've become that nurturer too. (though hey, you may likely still not do it in the same way)... but that cycle of judgment, questioning of self, damaging self esteem.. that, that will have melted away.
Some people may not like the analogy of grown up relationships to those of parents and children, but I'm inclined to disagree.. in fact I think most of us can recognize that the patterns that we started with our own parents, and our parents started with one another are often those we carry on into our relationships as adults.. and that adult relationships allow a place for 're-parenting' to happen, where we can teach one another new ways of interacting, and potentially healing old wounds.
Must run now...
XOX
Katt