September 6th - Bound on the journey.

2am.... Listening, headphones... loud.  Animotion - Obsession.

Among other emotionally relevant tunes.... I'm Wired.  Totally wired. <smile>  Saner people are sleeping.  If you really want to connect with this journal entry.. you'll need all the mp3's on your comp and a set of earphones.. and you need to play the relevant tunes along the way because the lyrics are all tied in to the whole thing... but, I know that's totally unrealistic... and no one is going to go through that effort... but you're going to have to put up with this whole journal entry, because this one is so totally for me.  I'm just sticking it here, the rest of the world be damned.

Spent a long evening of incredible fucking, some in combinations I wasn't sure would work outside of my imagination.  Beds are not built for four way fucking and sleeping.  I want a bigger one, a much bigger one.  I have such bed designs. <smile>

Listening... Veruca Salt - Seether.

How many hours.. how many days before my spirits skin stops crawling over my being in trembling waves of fearful ecstatic tender anticipatory bliss... never, one hopes.   

I hate that I couldn't cum when piled in that little four way packaged corner of heaven... unfortunately.. I have this built in sexual trust-ethic thing happening... 

Listening Prince - Kiss.

See, if I didn't care so god damned much about the two of them I probably could have exploded all over the place because Wolfe was there and he would have just taken over that space inside of me and I could have soared.  But THEY were so pronounced inside of me, and my desire to connect was so strong... but still, missing some key elements then necessary for my total abandonment of being...  Doesn't mean that I didn't have a fucking good time.   I didn't think sex could be so good without the big O going on... I could be surprised.. but I have a feeling that I'm not going to reach that big O with 'the couple' until I feel a) reciprocally loved and b) that that is substantial enough that it isn't going anywhere... and to believe it on a deep level, to accept it inside of myself.  I'm just so piss-ass petrified of not being 'good enough' for this, because it's what I want so much.   There's that little corner of me, that doesn't feel worthy of this experience, that is self sabotaging.   You see I'm not afraid of falling in love, I'm already there.  Haven't said it yet... though I guess in a way I have here and now.. which is... well,    a compromise.   I didn't want to say it in person to both at the same time because you just, cannot, as much you want to, connect that deeply in two directions absolutely simultaneously.  You can't look deep in two sets of eyes simultaneously.. you can be part of a circuit of more than one person yes.. but you can't split even energy that way.. or if you can I haven't learned the trick of yet.  I thought about saying a 'group' I love you.. but.. it's just not the same as the laser focused first time one... and that's where I'm at.     Then the other option is still in person deep meaningful one on one.. then that would mean saying it to one person first, and potentially wounding the person who comes second in the reception line.  I can't make that decision either.  I'm not really satisfied with my delivery here.. but at the same time, it's a cowards way out... and I wish I was a stronger soul, but I'm not.  I love you.   I don't want to hear it back from any set of lips before I can feel it penetrate me to the core... I'm not fishing for the magic words back.  The words aren't important... not the important part.  Not what I want.. I want the underneath part.  I want you.  

Listening - The tragically hip - courage

You see I'm off the cliff edge now.. and I'm falling and falling and falling and falling.. and all I see is sky... I have no idea where the cliff behind me has gone.. I have no idea where the ground is... maybe it doesn't exist at all... I don't see it beneath me, I'm not even sure which way is up anymore.  So I don't -think- I'm going to smack up against the earth.  I haven't even, am not even trying to, fly, I can't find a current.. I'm just falling and falling and falling... through this eternal place of space.. of madness and ecstasy.   Too little sleep, too little food... passion magnet.  Tumbling.

Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra

Wolfe is going to shake his head at me... with that smile on his face.  When he reads this.  I have to write while he sleeps... I can't have him involved with this expression of my feelings... makes him a bit nervous.  Sometimes I think he doesn't know exactly what to do with my extreme emotional stuff.   He's much more centered... less highs and lows, more reserved.  Calm, controlled.   

Joan Jett - Crimson and Clover

She's a lot like that too... like Wolfe in that way... reserved.  I reach out with my spider senses... and I feel like ivy climbing walls.  It's funny because Wolfe says he thinks SHE is way easy to connect and relate with.   HIM on the other hand.... I reach out with my spirit.. and feel embraced, understood... reflected, connected, safe.  <smile>  And then, predictably, Wolfe find's it harder to connect with him, easier to connect with her.  And It's not that I don't get that from her, it's like it's there, but in subtitles.. not in my native tongue.. translated, one step removed, confusing, a little unsettling, awkward.  I get something really similar from Wolfe, that I would often feel rejected by him simply with him being him because he just didn't connect on the same level that I did.    I have to remind myself, that like wolfe, she's not rejecting me.. the subtitles clearly say she's not...  Just because when that part of me stretches out... it doesn't connect the same.. and part of it is me co-creating that out of my fear of being rejected.. self fulfilling role playing thing.

Lenny Kravitz - American Woman

Part of me wants to run away... Part of me wants to shut down, disappear, turn tail and run run run run run.   But I know I can't do that... for one... I have no idea where the ground went. :)  Hello?  Does anyone have any idea where the ground went????  

Beck - Midnight Vultures

3 pairs of brown eyes... deep pools... my green grays squeezing tears out.. turned inside out... falling... flesh, and I can't let go of my heart... I can feel the beat in every cell of my being.   All I see when I close my eyes now are your eyes... safe haven.   I know you know me, and that is one small miracle, I can find that again now.  Some other time space if need be.. but one thing more that can't be taken away from inside of me.  I know how to find my way back there.. to the turtle shell... I have the Wolfe's den and the turtle shell and there is one more safe place in my world. 
I know some of what I'm writing here is going to make no sense to anyone else but me.  and that's okay... it's my journal... no explanations required.  right? <smile>

Eiffel65 - I'm Blue

Have you ever seen or heard of the voudoun rituals... where the women dance and fall into a trance and become possessed by spirits.. I feel like that... leg shaking to the music, my whole body is sitting here as I jostle to the music I'm listening to rhythmically...  

Listening to Astral Projection - Megamix now.. 

and it's trance music.. and I've stopped writing, as I've done from time to time in this entry and I'm just feeling.. and I feel like I'm almost out of body.

Been writing for an hour.. 3am... should wind it down soon, and climb back in the bed... it seems so big now.. the bed, maybe a little empty.  I'm too greedy.  I feel guilty.  I don't give enough, and I know it.

You know out of all of them... I want to belong to her.   sub space people are going to be understanding me totally here.  I love them all, and I belong to Wolfe.. but I want to belong to her.  I want to give it all up... I want to go there.  I want to see that, feel that, from her.  Actually.. when I connected with her the deepest was in times where we did things during sex, her and I, that put me into sub space.  Giving her an orgasm while she spanked my ass to the point of bruising.  Her holding my arms back, and whispering in my ear 'yes, you can, you belong to us now'.  I wonder if she has any idea at all, of the power she could have, has, over me.  How much I want to give her... to be that toy.  To find a place where when I'm feeling she is removed, or even rejecting of me, will still feel loving, because then she could be a total bitch, and I could love it because I could sub to her... a place where all the pain becomes okay, and I move into that unconditional 'yes ma'am' space.  I've never been totally there with a woman.  It terrifies and excites me... seems somehow even more dangerous than what Wolfe can do to me, especially because it would be in an 'addition' to thing... <moan>

I find it intoxicating and humiliating , erotic, and terrifying to find myself wanting to be mostly on the very bottom of the dog pile.  Maybe my Domme energy will up more when I feel less vulnerable in the relationship... right now I'm going to try and embrace where I am.

Bif naked - Chotee

Consume me... I want that.  Let me teach you that... get power hungry on my energy... drain me.  Let me give it to you.

I wonder if you mind that I'm sharing this with the world.. and not writing you private, since so much of it is for you two, not just for me...  But this is part of my journey now, this space.  This public market I've made of my life.  I have so much to say.. and I want to say it all.   Problem is so much of it doesn't have words.  I need to get in direct and download.   

Prodigy - Firestarter

I'm a fire starter, twisted fire starter.

you see I want to burn, and I want to take as much of the world with me as I can.  

Go Go's - Head over heels.

I know.. it's a weird blend of music.  If you listen to them.. you'll see they do all connect.. they all make sense.. in this context.   really.. <smile>... you just have to step into my world.

Annie Lennox - Love song for a vampire.

That's it.. I'll stop spewing.. If I carry on It's going to start to get repetitive.. and it's going to get even more encrypted in my own emotional language and it will only look even more like very mad ravings to most.... oh! Just thought of a way around that.. If I push that to the extreme.. that's how I write poetry... ha.. I can torture people still here reading with me some more. :)

Poems here on out... carry on at your own risk... this is radio Katt broadcasting raw and unedited at the wee smalls of the night.

Open

I spilt over the container
that held my dreams

Wasted

I crawled the walls that kept
me enslaved in my fear

Tasted

your kiss
and lost my soul
in a moments pure bliss

Found

myself falling... no where left to go
only time to be

Being

be with me. 

Listening to Mathew Sweet - Girlfriend.

Such a simple curve....
The line of your eyes
the shape of that curve
exotic
beneath the clear brown pools
 so deep
can evoke some unspoken prayer
fills me with trepidation
and desire
I can't believe how much that curve
Something so simple
can hold so much power for me
where did they come from?
your eyes, so ancient.. simple.
I got lost there

The Kinks - Lola... silly and I love it.

Okay.. good night Journal, good morning world.

<kisses>
Katt

almost, maybe, not going to post this one.. hmmm.. trash can or website... if you're reading this you know what I picked.
e-mail me!