August 20th - Bitch List & thanks.
This is probably going to be one of those weirder Journal posts because I'm in a total mood to unload and I'm not going to edit a single word (I rarely edit myself anyways) But I just need to let my thoughts flow and purge, so this is it. This is similar to a process that I go through often, alone in my thoughts, when shit starts to get me down, and I have a lot on my mind or eating at me... I wallow in it, and my feelings around it, and then I try to see the big picture. So I'm going to do what I normally do.. except I'm going to print it all up and post it all up and share it all up...
The Bitch List:
One of my clients at work died the other night, totally unexpected (no I wasn't on shift, and wasn't someone I knew well... )
I went to the Fair today, saw the super dogs perform and balled my eyes out for the first five minutes missing my dog... we re-homed Cinder last month, and I still miss her so much. Man I miss my dog, oh how I love that dog.
Rejection mail from an elitist cam girl only club... where I had hoped to find support, and a venue to discuss common concerns, share and learn with other women doing what I do... and well, instead I got blacklisted... why? because I lost the password (twice) and made the mistake of asking Wolfe if he would email them and ask me for a new one. Little did I know that cam girls only access meant cam girls only writing email to ask for passwords... I guess they felt he couldn't be trusted to just pass on the info to me, and we couldn't be trusted (after all sneaky rule breakers like us will always just walk up and introduce themselves and then ask for a key to the place all polite like... NOT) See evil people like me don't even want to mention the name of the club, because I'm too nice to cause shit for other people. They obviously have more than enough of their fair share of problems if they're half as paranoid as they seem to be.
Some nasty person wrote me an email the other day, which I would cut and paste here if I hadn't have deleted it immediately because I didn't want to read it again by accident or morbid fascination. Think of every nasty thing you could call a woman and threaten her with, and then times that by something... and you might approximate his mail.
Not getting to see Jane on Cam this week.
Working too hard at everything, and not earning nearly enough money at anything.
Too little sleep in the last few nights (which has definitely contributed to the bitching mood)
New York is entirely too far away from Vancouver.
I haven't heard from a couple of my favorite members in entirely too long, or have only seen them make very very brief appearances and disappear... <pout> I miss playing and flirting with them in chat.
I've discovered Ice Cream.. and most dairy products, are very very high in cancer causing dioxins.
Thanks:
I'm alive,
I am healthy, and loved.
I live in a country that isn't in a state of war, famine, or plague (unlike some countries on the planet right now).
I have a roof over my head at night, and food regularly.
I do meaningful work in life in a number of different areas.
I am true to myself and those around me.
that I can strive to have the courage to be imperfect.
That I'm not alone, that I'm connected to everyone and everything, as we all are, and that I believe in that, and that what I do has an effect and a meaning and impact, and that everyone has an effect and meaning and impact, and that I honor that in myself and in others... We're all of us, important, powerful, creative beings, interconnected in ways to complex for our little brain boxes to fully understand.
People that hurt me, are likely passing on what's inside of them, and I'm only feeling a little fraction of their own miserable experience. I should be thankful that I haven't had the experiences that brought them to that place, for likely if I had, I would have been and done the same.
Life is a beautiful and amazing mystery... full of challenges.
Serenity.
Wolfe.
I am alive... and everything on the bitch list, is a reminder of that, and for even the things that I rue, and that cause me pain... I should be thankful for them too.
Tao... go with the flow, let it go... let it in, let it go through, move with it... all of it... live it, feel it, don't wall it out, breath it, accept it, embrace it, forgive, love, connect.
Feeling much better now...
bring it on!
XOX
Katt