August 6th - No Parade for me.
Well it's pride weekend here in Vancouver, there was the pride parade this weekend, where we celebrate all that's queer! Except for me, I had to work... We were supposed to go the queer BDSM sex party last night too, and felt it best to cancel considering my antihistamine altered state and my body still being very reactive to the bee venom in it, no need to have it circulating faster than it needs to.
Here... somewhat reluctantly.. is a pic Wolfe took of my bee sting... not quite at it's worst point.. but close.
So, other than going out for a quiet snack and chat at a local pub last night with a very cute local couple (we're hopeful) it's been a rather uneventful weekend so far...
Mostly.
I think I must be one of these people who needs a certain amount of drama in their lives... though not as much as some, and I suppose being aware of that trend is a helpful place to be at times too.
That and I can be very emotional at times, and very open, and people fascinate and captivate me... so add those two things together, and I get very drawn into people often.
Not that I don't have good boundaries... I can have very good boundaries, and always very distinct ones in a professional therapeutic setting (when working as a counselor or therapist) but the site, is a gray area for me. I'm not in the role of a counselor or a therapist there, I'm often in the role of a confidant, and there are regulars that I connect with in chat that see me at my most intimate and vulnerable moments... and some of those people I've grown very close to. And I like it that way.
A lot of people keep very tight boundaries.. walls, they don't connect with other people deeply, and many have difficulty connecting with themselves. I'm very open, with myself and with others, and when I feel something I feel it, and I share it... I don't censor myself much. Do I get hurt through that process? you bet. But you know what... I like it, its a good honest kind of hurt.. it's like mental and spiritual masochistic bliss, because it's about connection at a very direct level. I never regret the hurt that comes from having been vulnerable through connecting with another person. Invariably I learn something from it, and, I learn that it's okay, and life goes on.
The problem I encounter most often is how it throws other people off. That's the part that's most difficult, they aren't necessarily pleased that a) I'm feeling wounded b) I'm showing it clearly not covering it and c) I react confusingly to them, because I get over it quickly and not only accept the process but actually enjoy my feelings... sad, hurt, angry, in pain... I don't regret those emotions, they pass and with their passing comes new things; insight, and often the emotional up that follows an emotional down.
It can be pleasurable... I enjoy the light drama of some aspects of relationship tensions, of pushing boundaries and buttons, of having a little weepy cry that seems to clean me out and wrap me in a blanket of hormones and fuzzy endorphins, a little bit of motivating anger.. all these things, can be good. can bring good things. Now.. I'm not advocating massive bipolar mood swings or creating problems for recreational purposes.. life throws people enough interesting things that creating them is totally unnecessary, as well, our own hormonal rhythms usually give lots of variety to light mood alterations... but I do advocate tuning into those things, and instead of fighting them, or walling them off, turning away from them, stuffing them down, or distracting yourself.. that people just let it flow through and come out on the other side...
Anyways.. all this is about me and a member, and a couple of little online crying jags and me feeling connected and disconnected, confused and fluttery, happy and sad.. a small emotional roller-coaster that happens sometimes when two people meet in an intense way. Personally... I love every minute of it... even the 'bad' minutes. I just hate confusing the other person on the other end... You can either see it, or not.. and then I just look 'loopy'... but one persons loopy is another's 'together'.. so there you go.. I'm whole in my own mind.. <grin>
XO
Katt