July 21 - First the good news...
Wow, I've had only a couple of hours of sleep, I worked the morning, and I'm home and feeling pretty good considering... <smile>. After I write this though I think I'm going to lay down for a serious nap.
Last night was a lot of amazing fun. We had a really wonderful time last night. Wolfe, Butterfly and I ended up playing late late into the night. We only took cam captures for the first three hours and then stopped documenting.
I had a lot of really incredible firsts... first time shaving a trans girl's head, first time having a shaved head oiled and rubbed against my most tender most private body parts... purrrr. First time I've shaved someones bum! <laugh>... we had a lot of laughs.. in fact, we played heavier into the evening with a flogger and a cane, and I had such an intense endorphin buzz that I got the giggles... well more than the giggles I was laughing and crying hysterically... I've seen other people have similar kinds of euphoric reactions at bdsm play parties, but I've never had that type of reaction before.. I was laughing so hard that I could hardly breath and the tears were streaming down my face, and just about everything set me off.
The bad news part...
The downside of last night, was a member, who came into chat, and said something insulting and abusive. Basically the gyst of it being around their dissapointment with butterfly's appearance... (she's not a trans barbie she's trans girl.. and with heavy leanings to a very butchy trans girl..., she wasn't wearing girlie clothes, or make-up.. she wasn't freshly shaved as thats what were doing!, and her tender little breasts have only starting budding with the onset of hormone supplementation, so she didn't live up to said insulting members expectations or preferences... tough shit)
You know, I have feelings. When I'm on the cam... even though I refer to it as a 'show' this is not television guys... This is me, in my home, with my friends and loved ones at my most intimate moments. To have someone come into that, my private space, where I've invited them and then be insulting at a time like that is intolerable. I was deeply hurt and very embarrassed in front of butterfly. It was at the very start of the evening and I almost turned the cam off. How would you feel in a similar situation, if someone came into your intimate space at a loving moment where you were enjoying yourself and insulted you and your friend/partner/lover? I can't begin to express to you how offensive this was to me.
I do not pick my friends and loved ones based on how I think people are going to perceive them on my website. The site revolves around me and my life. I'm not hiring models, I'm not producing fantasy material based on market value. I'm doing what is meaningful and erotic to me on a personal level and sharing that with others. I pick my friends and my lovers largely based on qualities I admire, usually common values we share, people who have a kind and loving nature, intelligence, people who are often alternative, counter culture, who challenge themselves and others to grow, and people who are grounded in themselves spiritually, and my personal sense of the erotic. If you don't want to partake of it.. take a hike.
Also, I have too much self respect, to sit in a situation where I am a target for insult, abuse and intolerance. I won't do it. This means I have to look at my options for self care in this situation to minimize this kind of negative influence in my life while doing the site.
The first option that occurred to me is getting software that logs IP addresses in chat, so that I can identify anyone behaving in this fashion again.. so that I can cancel their membership immediately. Unfortunately this is an expensive option. It pains me to think that one of the first things I may buy for the site from the sites profits and not from my own pockets would be this of all things. My original hopes were to be purchases that would advance content.. for a good quality digital cam, or a better chat program, or for a video camera, or even a second web cam. Now these things have to take a back burner to site security.
Then I've started to look at other options, and have come up with a few possibilities. For the time being, once I'm back from vacation, I may very well close chat completely until I have better options. Members clever enough to do so can access me through ICQ, and then I can authorize people to chat with me via ICQ once they've identified themselves from my members list. I've also thought about not doing anything resembling a cam show... I think it may mislead people as to what I and the site are about, and stop posting a cam schedule. It would mean people would have to rely on the luck of the draw to catch me at the more interesting aspects of my life, but it might be worth it if it prevents people thinking of me as their personal trick pony. I've also thought about raising prices to keep the membership more exclusive, I'd rather have fewer members who really care, and maybe an extra couple of bucks would discourage the people who aren't sure whether this is really their thing or not. Don't be surprised to see major overhauls to the site in August. (Including possible minimization of the guest area... I'm tired of people writing me and whining that I'm not giving them enough free stuff).
I absolutely hate having to even have this situation come to pass where I have to write this kind of journal entry and to make these kinds of considerations. I've seen a number of sites where the web-mistress's post pages of rules for acceptable behavior, and have stated several places that they won't tolerate this kind of shit, and I just assumed out of my lack of experience that they were going overboard. Now I know, that they've posted what I thought to be common sense, because it was necessary to keep the flow of crappy stuff to a tolerable level.
My apologies to all the good and gracious folk who like me are compromised by the actions of a few. Unfortunately the only way to minimize the reach of these selfish idiots is in such a way that we all pay.
xox
Katt