It’s not too hellacious, but it’s bad enough, that I’m pretty much stuck laying in my recliner all damn day.  Which is making me a bit whiney and pissy.

There’s so many fun things I could be doing, or practical things, I’d even settle for necessary things right now, like getting up and getting something to eat.. lol.

Pain has changed me. It’s changed my life, and changed who I am.  The pain itself is frightening, the changes are frightening. So with a lot of pain, and a lot of fear… is it any wonder I’m a neurotic mess? No, it’s not. It’s not a secret at all either… lol.

The changes are big, and little. My face has changed a lot these last couple of years. Pain has been very aging to me and I’m looking my age these days, which is okay. I am starting to get over it. At first it was upsetting to see pain written in my face when I would catch a glimpse in the mirror. That I held myself differently, my posture has changed, my facial expressions, and expression lines have changed, pain has literally molded the outside of me to some degree.

My current hair style was born out of pain related needs.  Pain and extreme fatigue dictates and influences really almost every single facet of my life…  It’s changed my exterior physical appearance.  It’s changed the furnishings of my home, introducing the reclining chair that can lift me to my feet! and the extra high toilet to prevent me getting stuck in the bathroom… (no comment).

It’s changed most of my hobbies, activities, lifestyle, etc.

My illness is a large part of why I live where I live, and my husband has the job he has.. benefits, good benefits. Otherwise we may have been living on the Island.

Why am I talking about this?…

I have no freaking idea… processing I guess.

Reflecting.  Trying to… accept, adapt, carry on.  Trying to still accept that yes, this is my reality. Some times I wonder, how many times I’ll have to look in the mirror and see my pain face.  How many photos I’ll have to take and carefully enhance in photo shop as I explore the condition of my changing face and feelings. How many blog entries like this I’ll have to write…  I write them for me.

I write them like lines on a chalkboard… I will accept my limitations… I will be happy with who and how I am… I will be happy and make my life work.

I can make pain beautiful, I can make pain happy, I can make it… I have to.

I can’t choose the pain away.

It’s a struggle.. to embrace pain. But I don’t have the option of pushing the pain away. It’s a part of me. It’s a part of everything I am and everything I do. If I don’t accept it, it will kill me.

This is me trying to cope…

work it out princess, suck it up buttercup indeed… it’s been slapped my way as an insult before, for being the incessant whiner that I am. I keep sucking, drinking deep, every sip of sharp pain goes down hard, I keep sucking it up.

Sometimes I choke on it, but for the most part, really, still holding it together.

Still on an internet diet… limiting myself to my email, blog, twitter posts, and playing games online, and browsing craiglist!  You still won’t find me back on FetLife, Facebook, or any other social networking system, I’m also only chatting with very close family and friends right now, and avoiding IM and the phone.  If you are trying to get a hold of me somewhere and I’m not responding it’s because I haven’t checked in there likely for a while.  I appreciate everyones patience. (If you don’t have it, you’ll have to move on, because I’m doing the best I can here!)

One day at a time.