I feel small.

Snuggling with puppies may be one of the main things keeping me going these days!

Pain has slowed me down and regressed me. It’s made me fuzzy and tired. So exhausted from the fibro. So physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I went back to FetLife. It was hard. But people there were making assumptions about me and those I care about, publicly, and yes, I was sucked back in trying to defend myself and others. Hoping to maybe make some difference. I don’t know if I have the energy.

I’m so trying to cope with the fibro flare ups. The pain. The fatigue.

Had to cancel going to Mayhem this weekend. I’m trying to get the ticket refunded. I simply can’t do it. I almost fell once today trying to get around just because I have so much muscle weakness and fatigue in my legs and back. Not to mention, the pain.

There are just way too many stressors right now. It doesn’t help that people in our kink community keep slinging shit about me and others. It’s unbelievable. Then when we stand up and voice our hurt and outrage at how we’ve been hurt… we’re met with some support yes, but also a lot more hostility.

I just don’t understand how people can view things so differently sometimes. I don’t understand from my own ethical and moral viewpoint some peoples actions, choices, and perspectives.  Why can’t people treat one another with respect and kindness? I don’t understand the selfish mind and spirit.

I have to try to keep out of it I think.  I can’t change it. But I won’t be silent either. I’ve been too silent I think.  I can’t keep as quiet as I’ve been. I wonder sometimes If I had a different personality and really went out and shared everything that I might have saved many good people some serious hurt.  However, I know I would also hurt and upset people in doing so.  That’s difficult.

It’s made it very complicated in that when I did speak out today. A lot of people wrote me to say they too have been hurt, but that they’re afraid to speak, and that they felt I was brave and right in speaking, and that they wish they could voice their story too. People who are opting to be silent because they are afraid.

People have said I’m brave, but I don’t feel brave at all. Many days, I don’t think I’m going to make it.

I feel weak. I feel helpless.

I feel defeated.

Defeated by illness, pain, life, and selfish people.

I have to remember to let the love that is out there for me in. To not wall myself off so tight from the pain and from the drama, that I don’t leave room for that love and support to reach me and hit home.

It becomes hard to trust.

I wonder what would happen if we all stopped being afraid.

I’m too afraid to find out!

and too tired, and in too much pain.