I was scared there for a little bit, started to slide back into the abyss, and was worried I was going to fall and fall and fall. Loved ones helped pull me through, and some medication changes too. It’s amazing what chronic pain can do to your brain sometimes.  I’m still not feeling great, but I’m feeling steady… stablized, remarkably safe, considering the pain, the depression, the anxiety.

Focusing on the good things in the world for a few days.  Wolfe, and mouse… mouse is my girlfriend, recent, and has moved in with us. Sometimes it feels like she’s always been in my life. I loved waking up this morning and going from my bed to her warm bed for a morning snuggle and a little morning fun… purrrrr.

Finally our fence is getting built! No more pug escape-ades! That will be a big stress relief too. My dogs are my babies.  I’m hoping now that we have privacy making backyard naked-ness a neighbourhood friendly option… I want a hot tub even more. The hot water is SO good for my pain relief. If we can find one free or reasonable, we’ll be able to swing it I think. I’m hoping for at least a 6 person. I know the bigger it is the more it might cost to run and maintain… but if I have a hot tub I want to share it with friends!!!  I have visions of summer time bdsm bbq’s…. purrrrr.

The dungeon is still in chaos… things got put on hold while mouse moved in and my fibro flare up got worse and worse and led to the little mini crisis I just navigated.

I know I just need to be careful and cautious with myself and what I expose myself to.  I have to avoid the toxicity out there. I’ve been joking around with Wolfe and mouse about how we’re all a little crazy, but there’s crazy good… and crazy bad.

I’ve had to scale my web presence down, there’s a few people that seem very reactive to me.  I write about safer kink, abusers, and sociopaths, and how to look for red flags to avoid predators and to keep safe. But instead of that information being used by people as a useful tool, taking the actual diagnostic criteria and watching for it. People instead like to assume people they don’t like are abusers, sociopaths, or what have you, and try to stuff them in the diagnostic box. This is ass backwards.  The purpose of having the information is not to go around labelling people you don’t like… it’s to be able to recognize damaging behaviours in order to protect onself. Focus on the behaviours, not the people!  The other issue with sharing that information is some of the people that seem reactive to me seem to think whenever I write anything it’s about them. It doesn’t matter how honest, direct, and open I am with my information, and my beliefs… there are a few people that are absolutely set on believing that I’m some kind of personal opposition to them.

This is really exhausting… I am not interested in being an antagonist or antagonizing anyone.  Unfortunately. It seems my very existence is antagonistic to some people. They either just don’t like me, or just don’t trust me, or both.  It’s come to the point. Where I feel like as long as I’m going to be active in trying to support and contribute to and help build local bdsm community. I’m going to be targeted.  Well, I knew that already. Unfortunately, it’s come to people going after those I care for as well.  That makes it a lot more challenging for me.

I think I’m going to have to pull away from a lot of the public scene for a while, and stick to safe people and places.  Some people might see this as an over-reaction.  Yeah… see, I’m a person biologically incredibly not well equipped to handle stressors.  Used to be not a problem… I was a dynamo, and juggled full time school, did three degrees including my masters in counselling psych, worked full time, volunteered, was co-chair for the holistic healing association for a while. Have always been a very active very productive together person.

A lot of crisis and losses in my life led to a complete breakdown, with chronic major depression being one of the results. Now… on good days I can get out of the house and go shopping, or have tea with a friend, or go to a dr.’s appt, or…

I’m no longer to do many of the things I loved and was passionate about. Working as therapist helping others perhaps the biggest… work in general, I think I miss the most.

Anyways. I’ve had to ‘bow out’ or ’scale back’ from the bdsm community on and off over the years. Right now though… I feel like the environment has become so hostile towards me, basically just because of a couple of people, that it poses too much of an emotional risk for me.

I’m going to keep to my own private dungeon, and the private dungeons and homes of my friends. Right now the local bdsm community feels like a mad world… I need sanity and stability… love, compassion, acceptance, trust, safety… real community.   I wanted to be part of something ‘bigger’… but it seems as much as I tried to contribute in a positive way, my motives, my character, my person has been questioned by a few people.

That’s one of my biggest triggers, for depression and anxiety… is being believed to be a bad or cruel person by someone or someones.  To me, the worse thing that can happen to me, is that I hurt someone elses feelings. I was emotionally abused as a child. I was on the recieving end of some really intense hurt feelings from bad and cruel people. People who denied the reality of their cruelty and abuse, and laid the blame on me the child. I deserved and was responsible for those hurt feelings they caused. This is the core of my depression and my suicidality. When I get depressed, I replay all those messages in my head… that all the hurt is my fault. I’m the bad person, and if I just ‘dissapeared’ everyone would be hunky dory, my pain would disappear, and all that upset caused by me would disappear.

So… massively powerful stuff for me.  I can’t do it. I can’t be in forums online, or rooms in parties. Where there are people there who dislike or hate me. Who I’ve heard say nasty things about me, and people I love. They tell other people that I’m a bad person too… and sometimes people believe them.  I guess it’s more interesting to think I’m some kind of powerful master manipulating sociopath instead of just a broken little abused depressed girl in a woman’s body.

I was actually laughing about that, with my dark sense of humour the other day. Why do these people bother making up lies about me… I’m quiet open and honest about all the actual bad characteristics I DO have. I’m severely limited, severely broken person. I’m not capable of much at all really. I suck at lying, I can’t keep surprises and secrets… (I’m too neurotic to handle the stress those things cause!). I’m no ones dangerous enemy. I don’t hate anyone.

I’m just asking those reactive people out there who don’t like and trust me, you know who you are… I’m asking you honestly and begging you from the bottom of my heart. To please just leave me, and the people I love alone.  There was never a game being played to be won, but if you believe there was or is, I’m happy to concede! you win you win! You’re stronger, better, abler, etc. than I. I don’t want to compete with you on any level, and I never have. I just want to be happy, and I want the people I love to be happy… and believe it or not, I even want you to be happy.

This could probably have been written better, but my pain brain is still a foggy place, and I don’t know, if or when, it will clear again.

I just needed to try and express where my head and hearts at right now.