It feels weird, to be cut off from FetLife. I’d pretty much moved all my blogging there over the last little while. There is many things about the FetLife community that I miss, and hopefully I’ll be able to go back to it when I’m feeling better. Wolfe is helping me do good self care and my access to websites that have the potential to upset or trigger me have all gone bye-bye lol. So If I try to pull up those sites on my browser I just get blank pages.  Is all that really necessary? … er, yes.  Might as well grasp the full fact now, I’m a grown adult incapable of caring for myself properly, there you have it.

So what’s going on for me? My ongoing pain and other fibromyalgia symptoms have been a real struggle and have started to impact my depression. I’ve noticed a definite slide over the last little while. With a frightening return to some suicidal ideation. When my depression gets bad I have a tendency to internalize everything and take blame and responsibility on for everything.  Depression thinking is NOT rational thinking at all. I become paranoid and convinced I’m a terrible person and the world would be a better place without me in it.  I feel useless and helpless and good for nothing…  I become bitter and feel hopeless about my life, and how illness and my own health limitations, my disabilities, my neuroticisms, how, me, how I, have failed at everything, and failed everyone. I look at my life, and see what I could have done. All my education and my abilities, all my potential, all wasted.  The healer I could have been, what I could have done for others, and really how little good I’ve actually managed to do with my life.  I internalize everything.

I’m a completely neurotic major depressive, my personality issues lay more towards histrionic/dependency, however, I don’t meet any criteria for any personality disorders.  The major chronic depression is quite enough thank you.  Am I total unreliable nut job? at times, yes, when my depression is bad. What does me looking like an unreliable nut job actually look like. I pose zero risk to anyone else at all, trust me. The only person at risk is myself.

When in a fight, I remove myself.  The problem with fighting depression, is it follows you everywhere… that’s where suicidality comes in.  The intoxicating lure of completely removing myself.

I go to see my family Dr. tonight. I have to let him know that the pain, and the depression, is getting worse, and we have to look at new options.

I’m also really afraid. I’m afraid of being suicidal. Not at all of death. That’s my comforting thought, but afraid of hurting those I would leave behind.  I would be failing Wolfe and betraying him, and others, if I give in.  I know I have to get this under control before it gets worse. I’m at that stage before making attempts and I don’t want to get to that stage.

So this is my ugly side.   Here you have it.  It’s self-directed blackness.

My brain has shut down a lot, which it does with depression flare ups, my whole memory and perception is blurry and confused.  I have clearer moments, but I know I don’t always make sense.

I’ll be wanting to isolate a lot now, which in some ways is necessary to avoid stressors. I have good people around me and caring for me. Everything that should and can be being done is being done.  I’m sorry to worry people, but I know people will worry if  I don’t tell them what’s going on with me too.

My apologies