I have such a hard time with interpersonal conflict. In that I’m very sensitive and it gets me cycling in my head to ‘fix things’ so everybody is happy, healthy, and not in conflict. The reality is, that’s not real. Conflict happens. Conflict happens with people we care about, it happens with strangers. We all see the world differently, we all move through the world differently.
My struggle is in part accepting I can’t be everyone’s friend. I can’t help everyone. I can’t heal everyone. Conflicts happen that I can’t resolve. Often I’m faced with options in relationships that suck. No matter what you choose, there is something you value that you lose. That is a crappy place to be in. Sometimes those decisions are agonizing to make. I have to try and focus on taking care of myself first, I have to respect and honour my own values, my own beliefs, my own limits. Otherwise how can I truly value others. When those values conflict with someone else’s, it’s challenging. Sometimes knowing what the right thing to do is hard, and even once you sort it out for yourself what you feel the right thing is, doing it is still hard.
I have to give myself permission to not beat myself up over those decisions, but still honour that because of the nature of who I am, they will always cause me much pain.
I love the world too much. I know the world will never love me back as much. But that’s okay. It’s just the way I am, and it’s just the way of the world.