A weird list
I don’t feel like my brain is up to complex tricks like sentence structure, paragraphs, cohesive writing. But I have a lot of things on my mind.
Wolfe’s grandmother passed away last week, the service was today, religious, solemn, smiles, family, tears, wisdom, and nothing like the cycle of life and death to put things in perspective. I enjoyed the life and innocence of loud energy filled interuptive toddlers.
I had a lot of pain during the service, too much standing and sitting, my body prefers reclining, my hands decided to swell and turn purple. Wolfe was comparing their colour to the leather covers of the bibles in the church.
I have a new laptop. We can’t really afford it. Unfortunately that didn’t effect the fact that I accidentally poured kool aid on the old laptop.
None of the keys on my keypad are where they’re supposed to be, unfortunately, they’re not responsive to any suggestions I’ve made for them to configure to where my fingers expect them to be.
The service was today, I had two hours sleep last night… it was a heavy pain night. In our hurry this morning, I forgot to replace the doggy gate that protects the hall closet from illegal canine entry. I came home to find two of my favorite pairs of shoes where now deluxe puppy toys. It didn’t bother me in the slightest. They’re in the trash… but you know what? they’re just shoes.
Buying, owning and wearing shoes makes me happy, apparently the destruction and loss of shoes is no biggy.
I had more blonde streaks put in my hair the other day. The blonde reminds me of being younger, makes me feel older, and reminiscent, I like it, and I don’t. I have hair conflict, probably why I shave it off regularly. Not sure if I’ll ever shave it off again.
Wolfe painted our front deck, twice, the hardware store mixed the colour wrong initially, now we love it. Having a home and doing little things to it feels lovely.
Last night I had weird bladder pain, it hurt to move, I had to get help to get to and from the bathroom, It’s scary when things inside you hurt. You don’t know why, or whether damage is happening to you or not. There’s nothing you can do about it. I have a lot of things like that in my life right now.
There are a lot of angry, hurt, and mean people out there. I wish them peace and happiness. When I read things written in conflicts between people I know, even though I’m not very close to them, my heart races, the adrenaline pounds, flight or fight. I don’t like it, I don’t like the drama… I get into ‘fix it’ mode, wanting to make it better. I can’t, and I know it, I take deep breaths and tell myself to let it go, accept people for who they are. Love people for being people, and remember most people lashing out are people with pain or private burdens. Compassion. Not just for them, but for myself. I can’t heal the world, and I’m not sure why a big chunk of my brain is sure it’s my job.
If I find myself reading too much negative stuff, I deliberately go out and look for motivational quotes, positive thoughts, words of wisdom, to try and balance what I’m feeding my head, and remind me of the phenomenal beauty, intelligence, wisdom and happiness people can encompass.
lolcats works wonders too.
As does playing lots of WoW. WoW is my most effect pain management strategy, I distract the hell out of my brain so it doesn’t keep screaming at me about what’s happening in my body.
Most of the time I don’t play very well… my motor skills suck and I only use the mouse to play, less pain in my hands that way.
It’s our life, we can choose what we focus on, and through which lens of personal attitude we view it.
I can’t control life, death, illness, much of my pain, accidents to laptops, destruction of fine footwear by dogs, or how others treat one another. I can control how I choose to percieve it all. How I interact with it all. Right now I have a lot of choice around my feelings and attitudes. That is something to truly be grateful for. When I was severely depressed and hadn’t found medication to balance out that biochemical fog… I didn’t have the option to ‘choose’ happiness, it was the worst feeling in the world. Right now I have not only the ability to cope, but to frame how I see the world as beautiful and positive. I will never ever take that forgranted again.
If you have the ability to choose happiness, do it. If you don’t, I hope you are as lucky as I was, and have someone in your corner fighting for you to regain it.
It’s normal to hurt, to worry, to be sick, to die, to laugh, to cry, to love, to fear, to need, to fail, to learn, to hide, to run, to give, to want more, to want less, to be, whatever you are. You’re normal. You’re human. We’re human, we all have that in common. All of that, and more.