You know, life has been throwing me some serious curve balls over the last few years. I just get over the hysterectomy due to 16 rapid growing fibroid tumors in my uterus. To having wide spread pain, and a whole evil check list of symptoms and getting a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia that seems to continually get worse, and more challenging to deal with. Health wise, I’ve been down this twisty turny dark scary path. Not knowing where I am, what’s going on, and where it’s going.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any spookier than they are, last night I discovered my tail bone wasn’t where it was supposed to be.

This is my coccyx we’re talking about, not some soft tissue item that may shift a little, shouldn’t my spine pretty much be set in place? Now of course it didn’t just jump to it’s new location overnight. It’s probably been a gradual change I didn’t notice. Hindsight always brings some insight. Over the months I’ve had a harder and harder time sitting comfortably upright. I get pain in my tail bone from sitting ‘normally’, well, I just chalked it up to Fibro making me more sensitive, after all, everything hurts, why should my tail bone be exempt.

Last night in the bath, I was washing my backside.. like normal, and realized my tail bone was really prominent and low and protruding. And why I didn’t notice this the bath before, or the bath before that, I don’t know. I do know, that’s the same way I discovered the large grapefruit sized lumps growing in my uterus a couple of years ago, laying in the bath, and wait.. somethings not right. Then you get this weird shift of insight and you wonder how you’ve been missing it up till now. I wasn’t happy with that ‘ah-ha’ moment with the fibroids that led to my hysterectomy, and I’m not happy with last nights ‘ah-ha’ moment that my tail bone is not where it’s been all my life.

How do I know where it’s been all my life? Well, I’ve been kinky for many years now, and have bottomed a lot over the years to a lot of impact play. One of the things I liked about my body/butt in regards to bottoming to spankings etc, is that people didn’t have to worry about hitting my tail bone, because my tail bone has always been situated really deep and high, and well padded. Yes, I’ve recently lost a lot of weight. But years ago I was lighter than I am now, and happily getting spanked with impunity in regards to tail bone woes.

My tail bone, is definitely no longer situated really deep and high, it’s knobby, pronounced, and pushing at the crack of my buttcheeks. How it got there, I don’t know. But I damn well want to find out as soon as possible. Googling looking for options at how/why there has been this change has not made me any less concerned. I know I haven’t bumped it, or broken it, no falls, etc.

I think it’s been pushed out, from the inside.. makes sense no? This with the worsening constipation over the last year, also attributed to IBS/Fibro makes me wonder if there isn’t something pushing/growing on my tail bone that is also pushing/growing on my bowels? Think I sound paranoid and hypochondriacal? I might too if it weren’t for my history with the fibroid - hysterectomy thing followed by the fibro thing, etc. Honestly I’m so hoping I’m paranoid and hypochondriacal, that would be the ideal diagnosis here.

Lightening doesn’t usually strike the same place twice, besides, I’ve had my uterus removed, but in an electrical storm, usually lightening strikes more than once in the same general locale. My body is bust, it’s a lemon, I’ve accepted that, or so I thought till last night, when panic and tears took over, that something else is very very wrong. Something that I can’t blame fibro for, fibro doesn’t move parts of your spine around.

This isn’t the first time discovering something wrong with my body, last time I kept hoping I was wrong, crazy, paranoid, and it was all in my head, it wasn’t. This time I’m muttering the same hopes. Let me just be loopy and confused and paranoid and no my tail bone hasn’t moved of course not, and I don’t have some mass growing in my abdomen.

Now, the trial of waiting for diagnosis begins again. Have to wait till Monday to make a Dr.’s appt. Then I’ll have to wait till the appt. Then I’ll have to wait till I can get in to have tests run… waiting, waiting, waiting.

I can cope, I have to. Nothing that can happen to my body, can be as bad as what happened to my mind when I broke down into deep depression a few years ago, and was hospitalized off and on for the severity of my depression, and my suicidality. Whatever happens, I can’t let myself lose hope like that again, and go down that even darker path. I will stay afloat with the stress of whatever this is, and deal. Because that’s the only choice you have, is to cope.

I’m coping.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 3rd, 2008 at 7:52 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.