I’m in a serious mood for candy and chocolate…

Jan 30, 2008

19 pics

Our pug Luna is about 44 days pregnant now, with about 19 left to go.. her whelping date is expected to be around the 29th. She’s going to get a lot bigger still,  but she’s definitely inflating at an almost alarming rate. All she wants is food and belly rubs…

So visited my family Dr. today, going to be increasing my dose of Lyrica for my fibromyalgia, he says it’s common not to notice any effect yet, especially at such a low beginning dose. I get to take more pills. (insert sarcastic tone here) Joy.  He looked at my throat and it’s giant inflamed tonsils with pussy white spots on it, and declared it viral. Looked at the paper cut on my finger that started out a tiny little straight line on Monday when I got it, and has turned into a gaping little hole oozing puss and surrounded by puffy pusy tissue and surrounding that a large red hot area and declared it nasty bacterial. Looked at the nipple that was bothering me and declared it was also infected. He prescribed anti-biotics for me and said I’ll need to take the barbell out. So I took them both out.. I don’t want to be unbalanced. I said I would just take the one out and I could have it re-pierced after it heals, but he said if it gets infected a second time if I get it re-done, he says the risks of complications become higher. At this point with all the health issues I have going on, I just don’t want any risks. So bye bye nipple piercings. He said with some of my symptoms and the multiple infections there’s a good chance I have a blood based infection running around in me right now.  Grrrrr.  It would be hard to tell because I feel so generally unwell all the time anyways. These antibiotics I take four times a day.. so again, even more pills. I take way too many pills. The upside, I have Disney princess themed bandaids to put on my owwy… hmmm my spell check doesn’t recognize owy or owwy, boo-boo seems to be the spell checked approved term. Interestingly enough it also doesn’t recognize bandaids or Fibromyalgia but reminded me to capitalize Disney….

Leila.

Dr. Hare is considered a leading expert in the field of psychopathy. Working out of UBC he’s a local as well. He developed one of the few diagnostic tools to evaluate whether someone is a psychopathic personality. Please don’t use this checklist to ‘diagnose’ friends or loved ones, etc. Even as someone trained in the process of administering diagnostic tests and diagnosis I don’t feel I could use this checklist to make an accurate assessment of an individual without getting to know them well in a clinical setting or having accumulated reliable clinical data.

It would be relatively accurate if the person you are using it to diagnose is yourself and your honest with the process.

When properly completed by a qualified professional, it provides a total score that indicates how closely the test subject matches the “perfect” score that a classic or prototypical psychopath would rate. Each of the twenty items is given a score of 0, 1, or 2 based on how well it applies to the subject being tested, 0 meaning clearly absent, 2 meaning clearly present, 1 being somewhat present – applies in a limited sense. A prototypical psychopath would receive a maximum score of 40, while someone with absolutely no psychopathic traits or tendencies would receive a score of zero. A score of 30 or above qualifies a person for a diagnosis of psychopathy. I would say someone scoring in the 20-30 range would have strong psychopathic tendencies/traits even though diagnosis was not met.

Hare’s Checklist

1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM — the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH — a grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM — an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING — can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT — a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT — emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY — a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE — an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR — a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS — a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS — an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. IMPULSIVITY — the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. IRRESPONSIBILITY — repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS — a failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS — a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY — behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE — a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY — a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

If many of these behaviors strike a chord with you, either in your own behavior or in the behavior of someone in your life, you shouldn’t be surprised. Some experts in the field believe that it’s possible as high as 1 in 10 men are psychopaths, and 1 in 20 women. Though those numbers seem a little high to me. There are other statistics that put the rate of psychopathy as 1 in 100 people in the population, I’m more inclined towards the accuracy of the latter. Regardless, it’s prevelence is such that it’s pretty much guaranteed you know, or have known, or will know a psychopath in your life.

I think the confusion often comes from popular media, we think of all psychopaths as being violent serial killers. The reality is most psychopaths if involved in criminal activities are con artists, thieves, etc. There are also many more psychopaths who avoid criminal activity altogether and find their personality and skills makes them very successful in some business circles. For instance Dr. Hare describes the psychopathic entrepreneur as “thinks big,” but it’s usually with someone else’s money. The most likely place you’re to encounter a psychopath would be in a position of power in your work place. Most of us, don’t recognize the psychopaths around us when we encounter them. They are very very good at appearing normal and being very charismatic. Always look at the ‘big picture’ and don’t ignore things that come up that rub you the wrong way. Psychopaths are basically seen as incurable by many. If they are clearly diagnosed and highly psychopathic, change is unlikely. They may learn to hide better, but actually changing the personality constructs beneath that, unlikely is too mild a word. People who have tendencies, have hope, especially if they are aware of them, and motivated to change. The motivation to change would have to come from the healthy part of them that wants to be healthy and productive. If the motivation to change behavior is simply to avoid the backlash from getting caught in inappropriate behaviors, if it’s selfishly motivated for that person to meet their personal goals/needs, then they’re not learning to be better people, they’re learning to be better psychopaths.

This stuff fascinates me to no end… our inner workings and our interpersonal dynamics. I miss studying psychology. I also miss practicing. One day maybe I’ll hang my shingle up again. If I can get well enough myself. When I worked with the women and violence program it was the best spent hours of my life. Helping to guide others to make positive change and growth within themselves, to empower, and help them find their healing path. Nothing compared to that. The work was hard, but unbelievably rewarding. In an ideal world I’d go back and get my doctorate and study and learn more as well as working as a therapist. I know those dreams are thin and weak. My depression, though controlled and stabilized with medication impairs my cognitive abilities to the extent I don’t feel I can do the work well enough. Also the stress would be such that I probably wouldn’t remain stable long. Now with the fibromyalgia on top of the depression, some of the little hope I had towards regaining enough functioning to do satisfying work, has been largely diminished.

I have found myself encapsulating myself even more in order to maintain the wellness I have. I have the opposite issue that psychopaths have, which psychopaths seem to see as a weakness. I’m highly empathic. I care deeply and strongly for others. To the extent that I internalize conflicts, I take responsibility where I have none to try to ‘fix’ broken situations, or hurt persons. I in part define myself by what I can give and contribute to the world and people around me in a positive fashion. The ‘healer’ inside is hard to repress. I have to try to stay out of the war zones, instead of racing in. I have to learn to be able to put myself first more. Giving is good, but if you give too much and have nothing left for yourself, then you’re out of resources to keep sharing.

It’s just frustrating that I’ve been so ill for so many years, and now this new issue of fibromyalgia on top of that, that I’ve felt as if for so long now I’ve been incapable of giving much, I’ve been forced to become a ‘taker’ to rely on Wolfe to do things for me, to not have the ability to do for others as much as I’d like to do. It’s not healthy for who I am, I need to be contributing to society more. I miss it. Once we’re settled into our new place and once I have learned a bit more what my limitations are physically, I’m going to look into seeing if I can do some kind of volunteer work in my capacity, I was thinking hospice work might be possible for me. To just sit and spend time with others who are much more ill than I. Even if I can only do an hour here or there, I think it would be something I would get a lot out of.

Anyways, enough out of me, my infected finger is yelling at me for typing so much.

Live in Love
Leila

I had a sore throat a few days ago, that same day I got a little papercut on the knuckle of my left pointer finger, I also had my right nipple barbell tear the piercing a hole a bit that morning.  Despite my best efforts to kill bacteria and other nasties in these areas, all three of them are raging away at me. My throat is painfully swollen up, the tonsils are huge with white spots on them. My finger is red and angry, hot to touch and oozing, as is the little spot around the piercing hole in my nipple. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my family Dr. so will hopefully see what’s up. I don’t usually get things infected… I’m careful. I wonder if it’s a sign of something underlying that’s systemic.  I always keep wondering if there’s something more than fibromyalgia going on here. I meet all the diagnostic criteria for fibromyalgia… but I also have lots of additional symptoms that are non-fibromyalgia specific.

What’s wrong with me?

Everything?

I asked Wolfe if my mental or emotional state has changed much from his perspective with my illness, he says he’s noticed small changes in decreased memory and concentration. Which I’ve always had with my major depression, but it seems pain helps confuse and fog my head up a bit more. He says it’s the only part of my mental state he’s seen any change in, and other than that it seems clear.

So, at least I have the two most important things in the right place… my head, and my heart.

sick child
aching limbs heavy
weary
and foreign
pain
sometimes subtle and shifting
sometime sharp and deliberate
a low thrum everywhere
an occasional knife in the gut
in a joint
in my heart
I hurt in places I didn’t know I had nerves
like aching organs… something hurts, deep
but I don’t know which part it is
skin hurts
eyes hurt
throat hurts
legs hurt
chest hurts
guts hurt
stomach hurts
head hurts
everything hurts
nothing hurts
thrum
staccato
thrum
I have no appetite
pain kills the hunger
fatigue causes cravings
for caffeine and sugar
pretend energy
Make it go away
take it away
I would use
I would abuse
pretty pills
if they helped
but they don’t
they don’t touch
my pain
my pain is
non-responsive
to narcotics
to all kinds of classes
of medications
every month
brings new prescriptions
I take things
I feel unwell
I don’t take things
I feel unwell
I can’t tell if anything
works
or doesn’t work
what if I stop taking things
and things get worse
maybe they would have anyways
gotten worse
with
or without
I don’t want anything
I’ll take anything
I’m not hungry
I’m starving
and the pain
never ever really
goes away
sometimes it’s low
a hum
a thrum
a gentle everywhere ache
and the weakness
then notes of it come
here and there
harder
sharper
louder
longer
don’t cry
it makes the inflammation
worse
deepens
eyes are already sore
blogging my pain
little words at a time
living my life right now
tiny breaths at a time
Will I ever get another big breath
of life
or will my lungs always feel bound
in sore weak tissues
for how long
forever?
See how it goes on and on
it doesn’t end
it’s broken
it’s layered
never ends
wearying
sore words
a long list
of symptoms
I haven’t even begun
to touch on it
words can’t express
can’t capture
there’s no poetry
it’s not poetic
It’s not even particularly interesting
it’s only wearying
and ever present
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
p;ain
pain
pain
pain

exists in all of us.

We’re all capable of creating and we’re all capable of destruction.

A big part of my social life is tied in to our local alternative kink/fetish/bdsm community. I’ve been involved on and off in the community for over a decade now. Sometimes staying away from the public scene for a while. I think the last few years have seen us the most involved we’ve been participating in the public scene, and the last year the most so.

There has always been conflict of some sort in the community. There’s been people in positions of power who’ve come and gone. There’s been venues that come and go, or transform into new venues. There’s always growth and change, and always hurt and strife.

I guess that’s life everywhere.

I think the changes and conflicts and hurts in the kink community affect me because of so many of the people I’ve come to know and care about in the community. Most people in the community I don’t know really well personally. I don’t have many very close friends. Wolfe and I rarely develop really intimate deep relationships with other people. We have our little co-dependent relationship with one another that we love. We have family. We have friends, and lots and lots of casual friends/acquaintances, but in recent years haven’t really gotten very close with others. I think we both have a history of being hurt and betrayed a lot by peers and it keeps us leery of easily giving our hearts away. I think we also both have such contentment in ourselves and in our relationship, that feeling the desire or need for intimate friends doesn’t really arise often. That being said we do have friends that we love and care about a great deal. Almost all the friends and acquaintances we do have are within the kink community.

We’ve really enjoyed the social aspects of hosting parties and working on making more friends and acquaintances and slowly getting to know people better and better.

With all that good stuff, all the wonderful people we’ve come to get to know and care about. There’s been a lot of bad and ugly stuff too.

There’s a lot of people we care about that have shared feelings of hurt and betrayal, anger and fear, etc, towards others in the community.

This has been a real challenge for us at times. Especially when the hurts have been larger ones, or happened to people we are closer to, or seem to involve the same people over and over again.

First of all, it’s very hard to determine exactly what is going on in a lot of these circumstances. There’s always multiple perspectives on any of the issues that come up within the community.

There’s also personal chemistry with people, there’s always people that clash and conflict. No one ‘likes’ everyone. For me, I try and foster an unconditional positive regard/love of people/humanity in general, that is there even with people I don’t necessarily ‘like’. Often I personally view it as liking parts of a person, and caring for their basic humanity, but not liking some of their actions or behaviors. I constantly try to see the positive and the potential in people I encounter. I also try to understand where the behaviors I don’t like come from. Try to have empathy for their actions and reactions. Sometimes this can be challenging.

There are basically a lot of good people in this community that sometimes make bad choices, with ugly outcomes.

There are a few people that seem to perpetuate the same bad choices over and over again, leaving a trail of hurt persons behind them. There are a few people that now have a lot of angry hurt people feeling oppositional towards them. It comes to a point where it becomes obvious that there is something ‘wrong’ with someones method of operating in the world, ie, repeated behaviors, when there becomes a substantial number of people who feel hurt, anger, or opposition towards them.

Popular people in the public eye in positions of power will always have a certain number of people who dislike them, feel threatened by them, or for whatever reason, simple human nature, have a negative issue with them. However, there are also people who seek to be public figures with power who are motivated by selfish means that are willing to hurt and use others for their own gain. So how do you determine whether the person you are having an issue with, or others are having an issue with are really over the line in terms of behaving badly? What is the norm of personality conflicts and cutting someone some slack for being human and making an occasional mistake to someone who is truly selfish and dangerous and continues to hurt others?

It’s not an easy question to answer, and I don’t like black and white thinking, ie, this person is a good person and I like them, this person is a bad person and I don’t like them. I usually like some things about everyone, even people I ‘don’t like’, I usually find qualities in them I do appreciate. I also like to believe that even under the ugliest behaviors there’s a good kernel, a hurt child.

There are a few people in our local community, whose behavior does bother me. That I see the distinct tendencies of psychopathy in their personalities. This shouldn’t surprise me, bdsm is where people play with issues of power and control, and it’s a scene that will draw both people who deal with power and control in a positive way, a way where it is shared and explored with respect and regard and love of others, and will draw people who are drawn to power selfishly, and who will abuse power and control putting their own needs before the needs of others.

There are people I know who are struggling with these issues. There are people who I think are abusing power and control on a regular basis in their relationships and in the community. Some I think have a lot of good in them, and have the potential and ability to move out of that place of selfishness and use their strength and their gifts to do a lot more good, and to lessen their harm. I think they have the ability to work with their personality issues and make changes for the better, for themselves, and everyone. I also think there are others who lack the self awareness and insight to make those changes. They don’t want to change, they don’t acknowledge their mistakes or the behaviors they engage in that hurt others. I fear for them and those that get in their way.

For those of my readers in our local kink community, most of you reading this will identify with being someone who has been hurt by one of these people, some of you reading this will feel you haven’t been personally involved in any of these situations but will have some beliefs and ideas about the conflicts in our community and the people involved. A few of you reading may think you are specifically being written about as a person in our community in a position of power.

If someone reading this suspects it’s about them and their use of power, the best case scenario, would be them reading this, and thinking, that’s me, that first option, with self awareness and a desire to resolve my interpersonal conflicts and issues. I know I need to make changes in how I move through the world. I know I’ve been making mistakes, hurting others, and putting myself first and coming from places of hurt and fear, and I don’t want my life to keep moving ahead like this.

The worst case scenario, them reading this, and thinking, that’s me, she thinks I’m a selfish nasty uncaring bitch. Well, I don’t care what she thinks, she’s weak, I’m strong. I have power, I have people that love me. I don’t ‘need’ to be liked by her or by those others.

I genuinely hope no one reading this identifies with the latter option. I hope they have a healthy strong part of them that wants to care about others, all others, and move through the world with love, which is the ultimate power. If they think I have some hidden agenda regarding my own self interests, then they’re really not getting it. If they’re not sure what this post is about, but they think it’s some form of personal attack, then they’re likely too lost in the world of games they play. There are no hidden agendas here, no hidden attacks, no grabs at power, or any attempts to take anyone down. Just the opposite, I hope that people struggling with these issues in our community can heal and grow. I hope something in my words can reach them. That there is a part or parts of them I think are good and pure and positive, and that they have the ability to change and stop hurting others. That really is the ultimate in power, personal responsibility, responsibility to others, and love, love of self and love of others. Not control, not wealth… just love. If you’re not sure what love is, then my heart breaks for you most of all.

We all have some good, some bad, we all make mistakes, we can all identify parts of ourselves that could improve and grow. Forgive the bad in others, and in yourself, and focus on the good, and on growth. If you feel someone in your life really is ugly, and cannot or will not grow,  then move on, separate yourself from involvement in their world and focus on the healthy relationships you do have.

Live in Love
Leila

Looks like we’re going to be moving over to the Island this late spring/early summer.

Time for a change of scenery. I want to be close to the ocean again. I miss the salt in the air.

I was born and raised on the Island, Vancouver Island, and It feels like home to me, even though we’ll be living in a different area. I grew up in Victoria, but that’s out of our price range to buy in. We’ll probably be in, or close to, Nanaimo.

I can’t wait till it’s time to house hunt.

First we need to finish up with some things here. Luna is looking pregnant now, and her puppies should come end of March, we’ll wait till they’ve all found new homes before we find our new home.

We’ll be having our last dungeon party on Wolfe’s birthday in April, and after that will pack up the dungeon to re-stage the basement as a rec room and workout room to prospective buyers.

There’s a lot of little things to do around the house and property before we list it, that will help us get the best price out of it that we can.

No bellydancing tonight, I’m not well enough.

I’m off to write a letter now to my parents and sister who live on the Island and share the good news, they’ll be happy to know we’re going to be closer.

Despite the pain in my body today, there’s peace and contentment in my heart. Even a little joy.

Live in Love

Leila

My background is in psychotherapy. I have my Masters in counseling psychology and have always been fascinated with what’s going on on a deep level with individuals and with groups. There are different kinds of groups and group dynamics, and different kinds of leadership within those groups. A healthy leader is focused on the ‘we’, on the wellbeing of all. An unhealthy leader is focused on ‘I’.

Like many of us, I’m very fascinated with cult leaders, and with people with power who abuse it, yet maintain it. What is happening in these situations? How do these people manipulate others and gain power and success though they cause so much damage to many? How do we continue to support these individuals and groups which arise around them? Are there psychopaths among us? Likely. Personality disorder exists on a scale, there are people in the healthy range, in the deeply disturbed range, and somewhere in between, exhibiting some tendencies or qualities, some to a lesser degree and others to a stronger degree.

I was reading something the other day that I found fascinating, so would like to share it here.

The following is an excerpt from the book “Captive Hearts, Captive Minds” by Madeleine Landau
Tobias and Janja Lalich.

The Master Manipulator

Let us look for a moment at how some of this manifests in the cult leader. Cult leaders have an outstanding ability to charm and win over followers. They beguile and seduce. They enter a room and garner all the attention. They command the utmost respect and obedience. These are “individuals whose narcissism is so extreme and grandiose that they exist in a kind of splendid isolation in which the creation of the grandiose self takes precedence over legal, moral or interpersonal commitments.”(l8) Paranoia may be evident in simple or elaborate delusions of persecution. Highly suspicious, they may feel conspired against, spied upon or cheated, or maligned by a person, group, or governmental agency. Any real or suspected unfavorable reaction may be interpreted as a deliberate attack upon them or the group. (Considering the criminal nature of some groups and the antisocial behavior of others, some of these fears may have more of a basis in reality than delusion!)

…In any case, beneath the surface gloss of intelligence, charm, and professed humility seethes an inner world of rage, depression, and fear…

Two writers on the subject used the label “Trust Bandit” to describe the psychopathic personality.(l9) Trust Bandit is indeed an apt descripdon of this thief of our hearts, souls, minds, bodies, and pocketbooks. Since a significant percentage of current and former cult members have been in more than one cultic group or relationship, learning to recognize the per- sonality style of the Trust Bandit can be a useful antidote to further abuse.

The Profile of a Psychopath

In reading the profile, bear in mind the three characteristics that Robert Lifton sees as common to a cultic situation:

1. A charismatic leader who…increasingly becomes the object of worship

2. A series of processes that can be associated with “coercive persuasion” or “thought reform”

3. The tendency toward manipulation from above…with exploitation–economic, sexual, or other–of often genuine seekers who bring idealism from below(20)…

…We are not suggesting that all cult leaders are psychopaths but rather that they may exhibit many of the behavioral characteristics of one. We are also not proposing that you use this checklist to make a diagnosis, which is something only a trained professional can do. We present the checklist as a tool to help you label and demystify traits you may have noticed in your leader.

Characteristics of a Cult Leader

People coming out of a cultic group or relationship often struggle with the question, “Why would anyone (my leader, my lover, my teacher) do this to me?” When the deception and exploitation become clear, the enormous unfairness of the victimization and abuse can be very difficult to accept. Those who have been part of such a nightmare often have difficulty placing the blame where it belongs–on the leader.

A cult cannot be truly explored or understood without understanding its leader. A cult’s formation,
proselytizing methods, and means of control “are determined by certain salient personality characteristics of [the] cult leader….Such individuals are authoritarian personalities who attempt to compensate for their deep, intense feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and hostility by forming cultic groups primarily to attract those whom they can psychologically coerce into and keep in a passive-submissive state, and secondarily to use them to increase their income.”(l)…

…Even after leaving the group or relationship, many former devotees carry a burden of guilt and shame while they continue to regard their former leader as paternal, all-good, and godlike. This is quite common in those who “walk away” from their groups, especially if they never seek the benefits of an exit counseling or therapy to deal with cult-related issues. This same phenomenon is found in battered women and in children who are abused by their parents or other adults they admire…

…To heal from a traumatic experience of this type, it is important to understand who and what the perpetrator is. As long as there are illusions about the leader’s motivation, powers, and abilities, those who have been in his grip deprive themselves of an important opportunity for growth: the chance to empower themselves, to become free of the tyranny of dependency on others for their well-being, spiritual growth, and happiness.

The Authoritarian Power Dynamic

The purpose of a cult (whether group or one-on-one) is to serve the emotional, financial, sexual, and power needs of the leader. The single most important word here is power. The dynamic around which cults are formed is similar to that of other power relationships and is essentially ultra- authoritarian, based on a power imbalance. The cult leader by definition must have an authoritarian personality in order to fulfill his half of the power dynamic. Traditional elements of authoritarian personalities include the following:

-the tendency to hierarchy

-the drive for power (and wealth)

-hostility, hatred, prejudice

- superficial judgments of people and events

-a one-sided scale of values favoring the one in power

-interpreting kindness as weakness

-the tendency to use people and see others as inferior

-a sadistic-masochistic tendency

-incapability of being ultimately satisfied

-paranoia(3)

…We will see, however, that an authoritarian personality is just one aspect of the nature of a cult leader…

…similarities between cult leaders of all stripes are in fact character disorders commonly identified with the psychopathic personality. They have been studied by psychiatrists, medical doctors, clinical psychologists, and others for more than half a century. In this chapter we review some of this research and conclude with a psychopathological profile of traits commonly found in abusive leaders. Cultic groups usually originate with a living leader who is believed to be “god” or godlike by a cadre of dedicated believers. Along with a dra- matic and convincing talent for self-expression, these leaders have an intuitive ability to sense their followers’ needs and draw them closer with promises of fulfillment…

The Role of Charisma

In general, charismatic personalities are known for their inescapable magnetism, their winning style, the self-assurance with which they promote something–a cause, a belief, a product. A charismatic person who offers hope of new beginnings often attracts attention and a following…

One dictionary definition of charisma is “a personal magic of leadership arousing special popular loyalty or enthusiasm for a public figure (as a political leader or military commander); a special magnetic charm or appeal.”(5)…

…Charisma on its own is not evil and does not necessarily breed a cult leader. Charisma is, however, a powerful and awesome attribute found in many cult leaders who use it in ways that are both self-serving and destructive to others. The combination of charisma and psychopathy is a lethal mixture–perhaps it is the very recipe used at the Cookie-cutter Messiah School!

For the cult leader, having charisma is perhaps most useful during the stage of cult formation. It takes a strong-willed and persuasive leader to convince people of a new belief, then gather the newly converted around him as devoted followers. A misinterpretation of the cult leader’s personal charisma may also foster his followers’ belief in his special or messianic qualities…

The Cult Leader as Psychopath

Cultic groups and relationships are formed primarily to meet specific emotional needs of the leader, many of whom suffer from one or another emotional or character disorder. Few, if any, cult leaders subject them- selves to the psychological tests or prolonged clinical interviews that allow for an accurate diagnosis.
However, researchers and clinicians who have observed these individuals describe them variously as neurotic, psychotic, on a spectrum exhibiting neurotic, sociopathic, and psychotic characteristics, or suffering from a diagnosed personality disorder.(8)

It is not our intent here to make an overarching diagnosis, nor do we intend to imply that all cult leaders or the leaders of any of the groups mentioned here are psychopaths. In reviewing the data, however, we can surmise that there is significant psychological dysfunctioning in some cult leaders and that their behavior demonstrates features rather consistent with the disorder known as psychopathy.

Dr. Robert Hare, one of the world’s foremost experts in the field, estimates that there are at least two million psychopaths in North America. He writes, “Psychopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate, and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations, and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and in feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret.”(9)…

…Neuropsychiatrist Richard M. Restak stated, “At the heart of the di- agnosis of psychopathy was the recognition that a person could appear normal and yet close observation would reveal the personality to be irra- tional or even violent.”(l3) Indeed, initially most psychopaths appear quite normal. They present themselves to us as charming, interesting, even humble. The majority “don’t suffer from delusions, hallucinations, or memory impairment, their contact with reality appears solid.”(l4) Some, on the other hand, may demonstrate marked paranoia and megalomania. In one clinical study of psychopathic inpatients, the authors wroa: “We found that our psychopaths were similar to normals (in the reference group) with regard to their capacity to experience external event~ as real and with regard to their sense of bodily reality. They generally had good memory, concentration attention, and language function. They had a high barrier against external, aversive stimulation….In some ways they dearly resemble normal people and can thus ‘pass’ as reasonably normal or sane. Yet we found them to be extremely primitive in other ways, even more primitive than frankly schizophrenic patients. In some ways their thinking was sane and reasonable, but in others it was psychotically inefficient and/or convoluted.”(l5)Another researcher described psychopaths in this way: “These people are impulsive, unable to tolerate frustration and delay, and have problems with trusting. They take a paranoid position or externalize their emotional experience. They have little ability to form a working alliance and a poor capacity for self-observation. Their anger is frightening. Frequently they take flight. Their relations with others are highly problematic. When dose to another person they fear engulfment or fusion or loss of self. At the same time, paradoxically, they desire closeness; frustration of their entitled wishes to be nourished, cared for, and assisted often leads to rage. They are capable of a child’s primitive fury enacted with an adult’s physical – capabilities, and action is always in the offing.$l6)

Ultimately, “the psychopath must have what he wants, no matter what the cost to those in his way.”(l7)

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So don’t drink the punch!

I do have a the education and the background to make these diagnosis, but unfortunately, the exercise is pointless. These are people who do not wish to, or are unable to, make changes in their behavior. Personality based issues are not easily altered. They will always have followers, and will likely continue leaving a trail of hurt behind them. Just be aware, and look to surround yourself with people who can be truly supportive and empathic. The most powerful tool is education and self-empowerment.

Live in Love.
Leila