I have a weakness of the heart. Toxic relationships with women.

I find it so hard to cope with women that are catty, or cruel. Particularly strong powerful women that are so. Worse of all is when they are nice to your face, and mean behind your back. It brings up stuff from childhood, from school, from many places.

What hurts me is not how they feel towards me, it’s how I feel, towards them. Why do I still want to be their friends? Why do I have this part of me that wants to heal relationships with women who obviously wish me nothing but ill will?  What is that part of me that is weak that wants acceptance and love, from those that would rather be my enemy than my friend. From people who’ve shown me over and over again in their actions towards me, and many others, that these are not friends in whose hands you can lay your heart.

I don’t want their kind words, their gifts, their smiles… I know them to be false.
I don’t want their mean words, their bitterness, their sneers… their truth hurts.
I don’t know what to ‘do’ with them, when I encounter them, because the false kindness hurts, and the true bitterness hurts, there is nothing these women can give me but hurt.

I don’t know how to behave towards them, I don’t hate them, I don’t like them, they confuse me. When they circulate in my social circles, I’m left hoping on one foot. They force me into pretenses of social niceties. I don’t like to be false, but neither with these people can I be true.

It makes no sense.

But I learned a while ago. Turn away from it. and if I do get tricked back by nature, my need, to go back in to ‘mend things’ and make a friendship, know that to trust those women, is a fools errand. Enjoy the pleasant facades for what they are, but you know, that if they’ve trashed you behind your back before, they’re going to do it again.

If there was sincere change, sincere remorse, they would come to you, disclose, and work towards healing.  Yes, people can change, but if they do, it would be present in their actions and choices. Once they have broken the trust, it is not my place to mend things, it’s the responsibility of the person who has broken trust to make moves to mend it.  You cannot receive what is not given.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 13th, 2008 at 6:36 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.