3am

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Bijou died in the night, Wolfe was with her when she passed. We did our very best for her. We knew even with the puppy formula, antibiotics, treating the colic, with what the vet had said, it was a big gamble trying to keep her alive. It’s not unusual for a large litter of puppies to have a runt that just does not make it. Something wrong in her development, some unseen birth trauma. Hard to know. I think we knew just a few hours after we had taken her to the vet and started treating her and when she should have started picking up if the antibiotics were going to help, instead, she was worsening, and rapidly. Her health deteriorated very quickly. Luna, her mother, started rejecting her, before she would look concerned when she cried, clean her, etc. Now she was ignoring her, I would present her the puppy to wash and she would turn her head away.

She will hold a special place in our hearts. Our first litter of puppies, our first loss. This is one of the many ‘costs’ of breeding dogs.  It’s not the material costs that are hard, the vet bills, the supplies for whelping and caring for puppies, it’s the other costs, emotionally, losing a puppy, being involved and caring for the puppies to ensure they develop properly. I’m sure it will be hard to let them go when it comes time to find them good homes.  There are also going to be a lot of physical costs for me, in the weeks to come, helping to raise these puppies, especially when Wolfe is at work. We’ll see how my fibromyalgia copes with active puppy duty.

So far, even with the death of this little one. I find the benefits far out weight the costs.  There is nothing like sitting in the whelping room with Luna and her little piggies, making sure everyone gets their turn on a nipple. Luna stretched out with a big happy panting smile, and the chubby little wrigglers all lined up on her belly.

You know I’ve noticed… very rarely does anything good happen at 3am.

Bijou

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Is struggling. She now looks terribly bloated and is crying constantly, we think she has colic and Wolfe has driven off to the drugstore to buy some simethicone to try to settle her poor tummy. The feeding with the puppylac formula and/or the antibiotics is not agreeing with her. Either that or it’s a symptom of whatever is ailing her, but I’m hoping it’s a side effect. Wolfe is home now, I’m off to dose her. Wish us luck.

Puppies!

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Luna’s puppies we’re born 2 days ago, on the 27th of March. 7 beautiful pups. She had the first two while Wolfe was still at work and I was alone with her, she went into labour fast, and moved through to delivering quickly. We thought we would have time for Wolfe to get home before any puppies were born if I called him when she started to show the signs. No such luck for me.  Thankfully he arrived as I was helping deliver puppy number 3.

It was a bit tense, Luna wasn’t doing all the necessary things on her own, so there was a lot of sac tearing, and cord tying off and cutting, suctioning of little noses and throats, brisk rubbing and drying to get little bodies kicking and breathing.  Helping puppies find nipples.  Juggling puppies between nipples and the heating pad. Seven little squirmers came out in just 3 and a half hours.  Sometimes for some dogs it can be almost 3 hours between puppies, not for Luna, a couple of them came out practically back to back. At one point we had two out still attached to two placentas inside. Tricky business.  For the first day all the puppies seemed fine and well, suckling, gaining weight, then we had one puppy start to fall behind. She was the runt of the litter, and she started losing interest in suckling, she would drink a little and fall off the nipple. We started working hard to keep her on the nipple, but were losing the battle. Today her weight was down, which is not the direction you want it going in. So Luna and pups were off to the vet so the vet could take a look at her. It seems she may have some form of infection, and she is now on antibiotics and we also have some puppy formula to feed her as well to try and get her weight up.  We’re hoping and pulling for her as best we can, but I’m worried we’re going to lose her. We’ll do everything in our power not to. If we can’t get the puppy formula in her with the tools we were given, a few different methods, then the next step will be tube to the stomach – risky, so we won’t do it unless as a last resort.

Oddly enough, she’s the only puppy out of the lot that I ended up giving a ‘name’ to, just because she has a distinctive diamond spot on her forehead, so I call her bijou  – French for jewel.

I’ve been exhausted, and having a lot of pain, lots of work around the puppies, and not sleeping well. That being said. I LOVE having the puppies and doing this. They are more beautiful and amazing than words can say. I’ve started working on a website for the puppies. Hug a Bug Puppies , not much there yet because I’ve been so busy, but will post photos, etc. there soon. I want to wait because I don’t want to post too much about little bijou.. puppy #3. And then lose her.

Here’s a picture of her… send her your positive thoughts, well wishes, hopes and dreams. Prayers if you believe in prayer.

Here’s another photo, and look for more on their puppy site when it gets completed.

Recommended reading

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If you’re wondering what it’s like to have a disease/disorder/disability where your personal ‘resources’ are limited. This definitely explains one facet of what it’s like to have fibro. I’ve talked a lot about pain, and weakness, but not a lot about how it effects how I move through the world. Other than saying, gee, I wished I could have gone to this or that party…

If you haven’t heard of it before… The Spoon Theory

Thanks to the person that has written it, she’s saved me a ‘spoon’ from writing something myself about how I’m feeling today.

Pain is a bitch

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Pain is turning me into a bitch.
Making me short tempered, angry.

I don’t want to lose control of something else.
I want to be able to control my temper.

It hasn’t been an issue in many many years.
I’m scared the bitch is going to make me a bitch.

I hurt, I get confused, I find myself lashing out.
My brain isn’t working right.

Coping and control

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Well, I’ve been having a really bad flare up that’s been ongoing since the night I was in emergency a couple of weeks ago now. For a while I just kind of gave up to the pain and the fatigue and the overwhelming barrage of symptoms. I comforted myself with crappy junk food that was loaded with sugar and caffeine, giving me that false sense of energy and well being. Like spreading icing on a compost pile. Not really helpful.

I told myself that since I haven’t noticed any marked improvement or worsening with diet, why bother with a clean diet? Uh yeah. Well, I know for sure that a crappy diet is going to make some things worse. I know that it’s not going to make things better. I know that I don’t need any negative influencing factors on my health. I know food is one of the things I can and should control in terms of trying to improve my health. So I lied to myself for a couple of weeks to just ‘comfort eat’ a load of junk. I’ve given myself a little shake, and I’m back on track as of this weekend. Back to natural whole healthy foods. Avoiding the chemicals, the processed food, the sugar, the wheat, the artificial sweetners, the artificial anything.

I also have been telling myself I’m too sore to swim. Which is crazy. I know that even if I am really to sore to swim, going and just ‘floating’ for a while and gently stretching and moving my body in the water is going to benefit me, give me a break from gravity and take the pressure off my body. Also alternating from the hot tub or the sauna into the cool water seems to soothe and relax my body.

What happened, what happens, is I get overwhelmed with my symptoms, and I get ‘paralyzed’  I don’t want to do anything because I fear aggravating my condition. The problem is, then I stop ‘living’, my life becomes the computer, the television, and food.

What I don’t want to happen in that circumstance is let food become part of the recreation, because that is going to make things worse. I need to focus on diet as something I can use to cope in a positive fashion,  something I can use to optimize my health. Even if I don’t find diet to have an impact on my fibro symtpoms or my IBS I still need to see my health and my wellbeing as something that is bigger than how it impacts what disorders I have. I have my general health to think of, I need to do what I can to support my body, my health, my wellbeing, as best I can. That is eating well.

I did go swimming again, day before yesterday. Thursday night. I wanted to wait to go back until a day where Wolfe had the next couple of days off, in case I had a major pain/symptom backlash from the swimming. Thankfully, the exercise did what it’s meant to do, and I felt better yesterday and today than I have had for the last couple of weeks.  I know I need to start going again, every other day, every day if I can manage it. So tomorrow swimming needs to be on the menu.

But that’s enough out of me. Too much writing today, and the hands and arms and shoulders.. sore.

ETA of puppies…

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Approx 9+ days from now…

Luna, aka Balloona, aka Jabba the Pugg.

Pain

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I’m blogging my pain, because I need to try to ‘process’ it somehow, have some semblance of control over something that has so much control over me.

I woke up this morning in pain. Pain is my alarm clock. I fight it in the mornings, trying to use some form of mental willpower as a snooze button. With fibromyalgia, being short on sleep is a recipe for more pain. Pain robs you of sleep, lack of sleep feeds the pain.  Today I couldn’t fall back asleep, I lost that first battle of the day.  That defeat as much as the pain brought the tears in bed this morning.  I lay in bed hurting, praying to a god I don’t believe in, let me fall back asleep, no, no, no, it hurts too much.

This morning brought new pain. My fibro is always showing me how parts of my body can feel pain in ways I didn’t know before. I didn’t know there were so many types of pain possible in so many places.  All the ‘regular’ pains were there with me this morning, the back, the neck, the hips, the shoulders. The new pains were in my arms, particularly my forearms, wrists and back of hands. It reminds me kind of when I had ‘vein pain’ from an IV medication that can cause vein pain. I didn’t know then my veins could hurt. I don’t think this pain is my veins though, but it reminded me of that because it was… different. Like it started in shooting nerves and melted hot and heavy into the surrounding muscles. I don’t know, it’s not really ‘muscle’ pain, though the muscles hurt, but. It’s confusing, the pains confusing, I’m using past tense, because I started with this morning, but the pain is still there. Pain is always there. This new pain in my arms, feels like tingling fire, feels like aching fever, feels like tired weak sore.

Normally most of my pain is in the body core, with secondary pain in my limbs. Usually my legs hurt more than my arms. Now my arms hurt enough that I almost don’t feel my legs. I feel like a torso with arms.  A heavy cross of pain.

The first thing I did this morning was immerse myself in a hot hot bath, it helped a little, that and a muscle relaxant and some anti-inflammatories. Honestly they don’t really help much, maybe take 10% of the pain away, maybe the effects are more psychological than real, but when you hurt, you don’t care you swallow the pills that don’t work and hope they work this time, I just don’t bother with the narcotics or addictive pain medications because they don’t work any better than my other hopeful pills. The muscle relaxant and the anti-inflammatory doesn’t do anything really, just pretend hope, so I try not to take them often. Lessen the load on my liver. Sometimes I think I take them just because I want to give Wolfe a sense that he can do something to help, yes, bring those pills… thank you. I’ll be fine.

I know that like me, he feels powerless, and feeling powerless is frightening when it comes to pain. Swallowing those useless pills is doing ‘something’. Like swinging a paper sword at a fire breathing dragon.

The Lyrica the Dr. prescribed me I’ve been taking now full dose for about a week. Yet this is the worst week I’ve had yet. So I’m not holding out for much hope. I should have noticed something by now if it would help me. I’ll take it for a few more weeks anyways, make sure, before letting the empty prescription bottle join another pile of useless empty bottles.

The peglyte I’ve been prescribed for my bowels isn’t doing much either… but I don’t want to write about that right now.

I stole some anatomy from Da Vinci, and coloured my arm pain… lets try to express this in another media, another small angle of control.

Look, this is pain, this is my enemy… I’ve written about him, I’ve drawn him, I study him, I look for weaknesses.. something I can use to conquer and defeat him, but this enemy, this fire breathing dragon in my body, at a cellular level… it’s me. I can’t cut it out of me, I can’t tame it, I can’t ignore it… I am pain.

From wiser minds than mine…

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“Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.” ~ Buddha.

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love
will have the final word in reality.
This is why right, temporarily defeated,
is stronger than evil triumphant.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

“I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings My wisdom flows from the Highest Source. I salute that Source in you. Let us work together for unity and love.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

“Forgiveness
Is the mightiest sword
Forgiveness of those you fear
Is the highest reward
When they bruise you with words
When they make you feel small
When it’s hardest to take
You must do nothing at all…”
~ Jane Eyre.

“Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” ~ Buddha.

“The nobler sort of man emphasizes the good qualities in others, and does not accentuate the bad. The inferior does the reverse.” ~ Confucius.

“There is so much bad in the best of us
and so much good in the worst of us
that it doesn’t behoove any of us
to talk about the rest of us.”
~ Unknown.

“Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes.”
~ George Soros.

“Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Be kind to unkind people; they probably need it the most.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant.

Constipation

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Yup, you read right, I’ve been suffering with chronic constipation for over a year. Yes I poop. But not without ‘assistance’. Over time I’ve had to take larger and larger amounts of lactulose in order to have a movement. Lactulose is a product that is a stool softener and brings water into the bowels. It’s not technically a chemical laxative which means it doesn’t cause dependence. No I can’t fix it with diet… tried that, I can eat beets for breakfast, 2 cups of berries for a snack, a giant raw high fiber salad for lunch, a pear or apple for a snack, a dinner that is low in constipating protein and full of fiber filled veggies, and have 2 cups of cooked spinach, oodles of fluids all day… and no go. I’ve tried numerous dietary options, raw foods, low protein, high fiber, etc. I’ve tried a strict elimination diet to see if I have any food allergies or sensitivities.. no.

I’ve had a diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, IBS, years ago, but when I was diagnosed I wasn’t dealing with constipation, I just had horrible intense spasms with cramping pains. But what the Dr. believes is that I have IBS of the chronically constipated variety.

I asked for a referral to see a Gastroenterologist because it seems insanity to me that my body will not have a bowel movement on it’s own.

That over the last year and a bit, things have gotten increasingly worse, not better. I have to drink a cup of disgusting syrupy lactulose in order to have a bowel movement. So wondering where the future of this is going to go… will I end up having to drink 2 cups a year from now? or have I maxed out now. The stuff is expensive too, I have to pay x amount of money just to poo.. this seems to be insane to me.

My body is nonfunctional in many ways with my fibromyalgia, etc, and chronic pain is hard to deal with. For some reason the chronic constipation almost has me more emotional than the pain.

So today was my appointment with the gastroenterologist. He was an older sophisticated looking gentleman. He got all my information, said it was likely IBS chronic constipation, but since I do have a sister with Crohn’s disease, we need to rule that out. After getting my history, poking my stomach, and sticking a gloved finger up my bottom, he prescribed me an alternative to lactulose, peglyte, which he says often people with my condition find more helpful. I will have to drink a cup of that a day instead… which is fine by me, it has to be an improvement over lactulose, which is like drinking a cup of corn-syrup. I also get to go for a colonoscopy, which is scheduled for June, but I’m on a waiting list for cancellations, so who knows, may get in even earlier. Over-all, not a bad wait these days for that type of procedure.

Well, there, you go, or don’t go as the case may be.

Why write about my constipation, because it fricken drives me batty, because lots of people suffer with various bowel and gut ailments and we don’t generally talk about it or share it, but it’s central to our lives.

Damn it my sluggish dysfunctional bowels are pissing me the hell off, and writing about stuff is how I process it.

You might be wondering by now, if there is a part of me left that is ‘functional’… I’m not sure, but I think the liver might doing fine, for now.

Confused pain

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I have a weakness of the heart. Toxic relationships with women.

I find it so hard to cope with women that are catty, or cruel. Particularly strong powerful women that are so. Worse of all is when they are nice to your face, and mean behind your back. It brings up stuff from childhood, from school, from many places.

What hurts me is not how they feel towards me, it’s how I feel, towards them. Why do I still want to be their friends? Why do I have this part of me that wants to heal relationships with women who obviously wish me nothing but ill will?  What is that part of me that is weak that wants acceptance and love, from those that would rather be my enemy than my friend. From people who’ve shown me over and over again in their actions towards me, and many others, that these are not friends in whose hands you can lay your heart.

I don’t want their kind words, their gifts, their smiles… I know them to be false.
I don’t want their mean words, their bitterness, their sneers… their truth hurts.
I don’t know what to ‘do’ with them, when I encounter them, because the false kindness hurts, and the true bitterness hurts, there is nothing these women can give me but hurt.

I don’t know how to behave towards them, I don’t hate them, I don’t like them, they confuse me. When they circulate in my social circles, I’m left hoping on one foot. They force me into pretenses of social niceties. I don’t like to be false, but neither with these people can I be true.

It makes no sense.

But I learned a while ago. Turn away from it. and if I do get tricked back by nature, my need, to go back in to ‘mend things’ and make a friendship, know that to trust those women, is a fools errand. Enjoy the pleasant facades for what they are, but you know, that if they’ve trashed you behind your back before, they’re going to do it again.

If there was sincere change, sincere remorse, they would come to you, disclose, and work towards healing.  Yes, people can change, but if they do, it would be present in their actions and choices. Once they have broken the trust, it is not my place to mend things, it’s the responsibility of the person who has broken trust to make moves to mend it.  You cannot receive what is not given.

The Ides of March

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“In March, July, October, May
The Ides fall on the fifteenth day
The Nones the seventh; all besides
Have two days less for Nones and Ides.”
 
Well there’s fun planned for this 15th of March, probably too much planned. We’re bringing stuff over to the neighbours driveway early in the morning on Saturday to garage sale with them till about 3 o’clock or so. Then we have hot local cutie who is coming over to do a ‘forced head shave scene’ and be tied up in our dungeon and get tonsured.  I’m so looking forward to that, of course going to photo and video document all the kinky goodness.  Then we’re going to pull ourselves together in the afterglow and make our way to the Rascal’s Play Party in Vancouver. So Saturday will be seriously jam packed full, I’m hoping my body can cope all the way through, going to pace myself as much as possible.
 
Then on the following Friday, on the 21st is Bride of Pride Play Party – Really REALLY Good Friday. I haven’t been to a Bride of Pride Party yet, but I’ve heard they are -the best- Women’s parties done on the mainland. I’m seriously hoping I can make this event.  I’ve been itching for some all Woman party time for a while now.  In particular I like their inclusiveness “All past, present and future women, or any orientation (homo, bi, hetero), who enjoy woman-to-woman kink and BDSM. Women of all experience levels are welcome!”.
 
Then the weekend after that on the Saturday, there’s a private tea party for Dominant Women, with subbies in service that I’ve been invited to. The kicker is with what is happening with Luna the pregnant pug, she is due that weekend.  It depends on her status with the pups whether I can make it or not. If she’s whelped and every thing’s going well, then I’m free, particularly because a gracious sub has offered to come chauffeur me to and from.  
 
If between birthing babies and tea with the ladies, I have any spare time energy I may check out the Abbotsford Taboo Show that weekend as well.  Somehow I doubt I’ll be able to squeeze it in there, but there are a number of locals thinking of going and it would make a neat kinky outing. Maybe could do it on the Sunday if all is well with Luna and pups.  I’m kind of ‘comme ci comme ca’ about the Taboo Show anyways, it is a trade show, so very commercial.  I did have fun at a sex trade show many years ago when they had a ‘fake orgasm’ contest on the stage and the prize was a really nice rabbit vibe. That sucker lasted me a year before I busted it. I’m happy I won, considering fake orgasms are not something I have a lot of experience with.
 
The only way I’ll do Taboo is if the puppies have come and all is good, and a bunch of local kinksters want to do it as a group outing and we go get some decent food somewhere before or after.  Not many of the seminars they have going on that weekend hold any special interest or appeal. I’d attend some to support local sex positive culture, but the only presenter on the list I’m familiar with has banned me from her club, so I doubt she’d be interested in my ‘support’.  You never know though there might be some vendors selling something toy or clothes or accessory wise that would be a total treasure, and might be able to coax someone into a little play in the dungeon space. 
 
With all the fun things happening this month, I’m by far the most excited about Luna’s puppies coming, though who knows, we may have to wait till the first week of April before she delivers.  We will be able to get her x-rayed at the end of the month though to find out how many of those little ‘puppy buns’ she’s got in her oven.
 
Oh… and I almost forgot Easter… another excuse to feast on Chocolate!
 

small things

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This journal entry started with one letter, one letter holds little meaning, it became a word, with greater meaning, which in turn became part of a sentence with an even larger meaning. This sentence will become part of a larger paragraph, then a set of paragraphs that explore a larger concept or concepts. Everything in life is like that, made up of small things, small things that start with little meaning, and grow into larger things with greater meaning.  It is the small things that create the greater things. It’s important not to lose track of that. It doesn’t matter which arena of life you are dealing with, the larger things are all composed of the smaller things, and it is the smaller things we do which creates the larger.

We live life one letter at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time, one word at a time, one thought at a time, one choice at a time. Never discount the power in each letter/breath/step/word/thought/action… it all ‘counts’. Sometimes huge changes have happened in the world based on a pivotal choice.

It’s how I lost over a 100 lbs, one bite at a time, one small choice at a time, one meal at a time, one walk or gym visit at a time. Big changes are made up of small changes.

It’s the present that counts. You can’t change the past, you need to make the best choices you can in the ‘now’.  Small choices, now choices. Do the best you can in the moment. That’s all there really is, you, the moment – now, and what you choose to do in it.

Live in Love
Leila