Well, I’ve been banned by facebook, that’s the message I got on screen when I tried to log in today. I have written to ask why, but I know with these things I may never get an answer. Was it one of my photos where I’m naked in the bath, even though I show less than some bikini clad women do? Or maybe the recent photos of me dressed as a naughty cowgirl with a riding crop and a human pony scantily clad… who knows. I was always very careful to make sure none of my photos showed nipples, or genitals, that what is covered is what would be covered by a thong bikini, usually more. I’m not sure what caused the ban… the terms of service has plenty of options on what’s not allowed, enough that they could probably slide anyone out if they wanted to. Realistically, these places don’t need a reason, and usually, it’s simply a matter of receiving a complaint from another user.

I’ve not had a good track record for online communities. I’ve been banned from Neopets.. yes, neopets, where I was falsely accused of having multiple accounts. I did not. We had 3 different people playing from the same computer though. I’ve been banned from alt.com. I’ve been now banned from facebook. Community excommunication seems to be a gift of mine.  Why?… well, I’m certainly not mainstream in any sense of the word. I live what some people consider a controversial life. Though really, from my experience, my exclusion from these communities has usually come from one or two people, women, who for whatever personal reasons, dislike me, feel threatened by me, or? Who knows really, I can’t get into the head of that type of attitude.

I’m not a mean person, I genuinely like and respect people as a whole. Even people who are sometimes damaged and nasty, though I try to stay out of their way.

It sucks though because often online communities are a way for me to meet some very real needs I have for community. Dealing with disability, multiple illnesses, spending much of time stuck on my couch. Having a group of people that I can interact with, connect with, at a moments notice, is really valuable to me. Even though it’s usually playing games, or light conversation, it is none the less, a form of support and connection.

When that is all shut down, probably at the hands of one person who feels crossed by me, or offended by me, and seeking to hurt me, I am hurt. They are successful, I’m deeply hurt, saddened, and feel loss. I know, it’s ‘just facebook’.. actually, it’s been a big part of my day to day connection to humanity. It’s been my community, my place to connect with old friends, meet new friends, interact, chat, share and play games with friends online, and it’s gone.

Yes, I can create a new account, and ‘come back’, I could go back to alt.com community too, I could go to a new online community. But for what… do you keep building sandcastles knowing the bully is going to find what corner of the beach you’ve moved to and tear it down kicking sand in your face.

Someone might see it as me having an enemy, I won’t believe that, there may be someone or someones, and I have a good idea of whom they may be, who are deliberately trying to cause strife in my life, and succeeding. But they are not my enemy. I will not set myself up ‘against’ another human being because they are filled with something that drives them to hurt others. These type of people in my mind are more damaged than any damage I could ever do to them. I don’t want to compound their damages and hurts. I wish instead I could heal them, but I can’t.

Right now I need a break from being ‘attacked’… I shut down my parties at Raven’s Retreat based in a large part on threats from someone and community nastiness in general. I moved away from that community and social circle and isolated as much as I needed to to avoid those I felt wanted to hurt me and be disruptive forces in my life. I’m going to take a break from all online communities now as well for a while. Why not just tough it out, you say? Why let those petty people get to me. Because they do. I’m a deeply sensitive emotional individual. My mental and emotional resources are stretched thin in my life dealing with ongoing depression, and now a rheumatoid condition that leaves me dealing with additional physical limitations and chronic pain. I can’t afford the personal emotional resources to deal with anything on top of my personal challenges. I know my limits, and know that as long as someone is gunning for me… I can’t afford to take too many hits, and my only options really, for my health and well being, are to lay low.

I know there are many people out there that are genuine, positive, caring, individuals. But right now, I feel cynical, hurt, and mistrusting, and all I want to do is isolate, knowing I’m the only person I can truly feel safe with. I’ll bounce back a bit. I know, I’ve been betrayed much worse, from people who I’ve cared for and loved much more. These small betrayals from relative strangers scratch at those old wounds, but I know they’ll heal.

In the meantime… I’ll stay quiet, and enjoy the solitude of my self care.

Live in Love…