eyes
My eyes are sore… and my vision a bit blurry, my eyes feel buggy, they’re red, they ache. It’s a symptom of Reiter’s Syndrome, of reactive arthritis, and other forms of arthritis. I’m having eye inflammation. My body pain is wearing on me emotionally, but the eye symptoms scare me. I know the worst case scenarios, blindness, permanent eye damage… are unlikely. But the unknown, the possibility, and the pain, having this disease is unlikely for me to begin with, whose to say I don’t continue to win the ‘unlikely’ lottery with my illness.
I’ve made an appointment to see my family Dr. on Friday, and am going to try to get a referral to a rheumatologist, I want a specialist on what I’m dealing with, more than the internist. I also realize that I’ve been dealing with bloating and gas and chronic constipation for many months. I had IBS in my twenties with these symptoms, but with severe bowel cramping too. I don’t have the bowel pain, but I believe my IBS is back. It seems there is some connection between IBS and many arthritic/rheumatic illnesses, so that makes sense in a way.
I feel betrayed by my body, I feel emotionally vulnerable. I’m afraid of my depression worsening in response to the stress and fear of dealing with chronic pain and fatigue.
I have had so many health ups and downs, my hysterectomy last year after finding out about this time last year that I had large rapid growing fibroids, that having followed years of severe depression, etc. I have had so many health issues, and it seems as soon as I resolve something and have almost finished healing from it, something else comes along and breaks down. Not little things, but big things. I’m tired of Dr.’s and hospitals. I’ve spent too many days, weeks, months in hospital in my life.
It’s clear… I’ve got a lemon. My body is substandard. I can’t take it back to the dealership. I have to cope, I’m human, we’re not perfect. I know I’m not alone in coping with health related issues. But when you are in your body, in pain, and it’s failing you, it’s hard not to feel isolated in that moment. It’s hard not to feel afraid.
I was suicidal for a couple of years in the past with my depression, I’m not afraid of death, but I’m afraid of pain. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of fear. I’m afraid of hurting and not seeing a way past it. I know I need to focus on the parts of my life that are not pain, that are successful, that are joyous, that is love. But it’s hard.
I thank the powers that be, for puppies, for Wolfe, for the unconditional love my mate and my dogs surround me with every day. I’m thankful for supportive family and friends. I don’t want to let them down, which means I need to focus on the emotional strength they lend me just from being in my life. Even if I am broken, I have worth, and can find purpose in their eyes, if I can’t find it in my own eyes. My sore eyes, my eyes that are inflamed with pain, as my body attacks itself.