We’ve been going back and forth and back and forth on whether or not to breed Luna , we had some concerns because pugs often have difficulty with the size of their heads and need c-sections. We’re afraid for her, but really want to at least once experience having puppies. Controversial, I know. Pug cross puppies are always in demand, and after much deliberation, we’ve decided to breed her with a local Chihuahua stud. I’ve met with the Chihuahua breeder, and met all her dogs, and the stud, with Luna, and we looked over one another’s dogs, talked about things in depth, and decided it’s a go. Luna will go over this evening for her first of a few ‘dates’ with her handsome little mini paramour. This should result in a pregnancy with some little pups with little heads that will be safer for her to deliver. Chugs, as the cross is commonly called, tho I prefer ‘pughuahua’. Wish us luck, and a healthy happy litter.

Not much has changed with my health, though I am getting used to my different feeling body. There’s less fear and distress over the constant aches and pains, the soreness and weakness in my body. You know how when something changes in your body, new dental work, a piercing, how after a while you adjust to the newness and it seems like it’s always been that way. It’s a bit like that. Though I still remember clearly, it wasn’t that long ago, what it was like to feel pain free and have energy. I think sometimes when you have a cold or flu that goes on a long time that can happen to, and one day it’s gone, and you’re like… ‘wow, I feel SO good’. You’ve almost forgotten what it was like to feel normal, that normal feels good. I have to keep in mind that for me, this constant fatigue and body malaise and pain, may be my new normal, and adjust accordingly. If it ends up being something temporary and goes away, great. In the meantime, I’m going to do my best to adjust and normalize what is happening now for me. That means trying not to avoid ‘life’ in order to avoid more pain. I can’t live on my couch for ever. I did get out to the gym a few days ago and walk on the treadmill, and the other day I did some shopping. I’m trying to get out maybe every other day or so, even if it’s for a short bit to do something. Even something small. It’s going to be about finding a new balance.

I currently have an appointment for an internist in October sometime.. but my family Dr. is going to try to get me in earlier, maybe on a cancellation or something. I found a local rheumatist here in Chilliwack by searching, and they specialize in diagnosing fibromyaligia and related disorders. I’m thinking I may ask my Dr. to refer me to him, and at least they may be able to let me know whether it is or isn’t. He may hopefully have a shorter waiting period. I will call them later today and see if we can set something up.

If I don’t -do- anything, take pain killers, and zone out, I can almost pretend nothing is wrong with me. Maybe it’s all in my head? Wishful twisted thinking. But doing something, anything, like writing this journal entry, quickly brings it home. It’s painfully obvious as my hands and fingers get more and more stiff and sore and aching, and that pain spreads up the muscles in my arms from holding my hands up to type.. that things are honestly really physically.. fubared. Then, it’s hard not to get emotional, feel sorry for myself, feel scared. I think of the people I know in life facing worse situations than me, worse health issues, greater adversary. I think of all those people with so much less, and so many more troubles, and I try to be compassionate with myself, and instead of tell myself I’m being a pussy… just gently remind myself bravery isn’t being without fear and hurt, it’s about doing your best despite of it. It’s not always about succeeding, it can just be about surviving failures. I don’t have to be a heroine. I don’t have to change the world. I don’t have to rescue people. I don’t have to improve my community. I don’t have to influence each and everyone in a positive fashion. I don’t have to take so much responsibility for everything all the time. I don’t have to be the ‘fixer’ my nature drives me to be. It can be okay to step back, and just let things be broken. To let others take responsibility. To be okay with doing just what you can do, and no more.

It’s been hard.

It’s difficult knowing that I can’t make any real plans for my future, until I know what is happening with me presently. I’ve been on disability for a few years now. I’ve known I’d likely never return to my ‘ideal’ work situation, being a psychotherapist, or the home support organization I was a manager for, etc, given my past and current health issues. But I was hopeful I would be able to do very occasional part time work to supplement our income. There’s no way I can do that currently, and I may not be able to in the future, and that’s difficult for me. Not the money part of it really. I’ve never been a money/wealth focused person, if we have to down-grade to a smaller living space and/or more remote, etc. I’m fine with that. We lived in 465 square feet Wolfe and I for several years. My regret is not being able to ‘do’ things I love to do.

Well, who knows, right now it’s a waiting game, waiting to find out if my changes with my ability/disability is temporary or permanent. If permanent, then we have to decide how we will proceed from here, where, when, how…

I’m off to watch Wolfe put bark mulch in the garden beds.

Live in Love

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 23rd, 2007 at 1:53 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.