Well, running a public dungeon and having parties was kind of an experiment, one I’m currently questioning. I have had the best times being a hostess to these parties, planning them in detail, making door prizes, shopping for drinks and munchies… the chocolate fountain, my custom pinata at my birthday, etc. It’s never been about income, any income was always put back into the next party, paying for presenters, party stuff, etc.  it’s always been about a good time, and hopefully with presenters, some educational fun too.  I’ve gotten so much positive feedback from party goers, it’s been mostly really good. Unfortunately, what’s started happening, which I was hoping would not come, has… I’ve become pulled into scene politics. It seems even if you don’t voice an opinion on conflicts, people will have assumptions.  People who don’t know me, have never met me, as well as people who have, have all kinds of ideas and beliefs about where I stand in our community.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love everybody, I don’t think everyone in our community is peachy keen. I think a lot of us could use some improvement in some areas, interpersonal, play dynamics, ethics, what have you. Some of us make the occasional faux pas, we’re only human. Others seem to repeatedly run into conflicts or issues of a certain pattern. I don’t want to fight any of these people, I don’t want to remove them from community, I don’t want to be a part of sides or factions. I would like it if we could try to support one another so that people who need help, get the help they need.  I don’t hate anyone. There are some people I don’t particularly ‘like’ for one reason or another they, or their choices or behaviors rub me the wrong way.

Know what? I’m not the kink police, and even though I’m a psychotherapist by training, my MA was in counseling psychology, I don’t want to try to personally ‘fix’ these persons either. I’d like it if we could try to as a community be cohesive and supportive and caring of one another. That the people who do things they probably shouldn’t have, have caring friends who may be able to point out the issues and help resolved them. Or that the people involved in these conflicts would take more ownership in trying to resolve them together.

I’ve been talking with Wolfe about pulling out of the whole mess, moving on into more seclusion and not dealing with the drama. I’m a sensitive person. As strong as I can be, I also am emotionally vulnerable. I’m also struggling with major health issues, and knowing that I’m supposed to avoid stress at all costs. As much as I wish it wouldn’t, knowing people are talking negatively and untruthfully about me, making assumptions as to the nature of my character that are ugly, is hurtful and stressful to me.

A beautiful woman in our community recently passed away, someone I related to deeply.  I don’t know why or how she passed, I do know she had attempted suicide often, in the recent past. It’s been a few years now, since my last attempt. Since I had that level of depression and despair. I’m scared of going that route again. I’ve found lots of great friends, supports, beautiful caring and giving people in the community who have brought a lot of joy into my life, and fought the depression monster away. The parties in my dungeon, like an empowering celebration of life for me.  But now… I’m getting the backlash, the dark side of being involved in a large group/community. and I don’t know if I can handle it.

I know how easily that death could have been mine. I grieve her passing, and yet, I understand her need for escape and peace. I hope she has found it, and is in a place free of pain and hurt and sorrow, and filled with love.

I’ve been thinking about selling it all off, all the money I put in the dungeon, all the hours of work, done just by Wolfe and I, the paint, the sweat. Packing it off, keeping just the few things we use ourselves often, and moving away from the drama of the scene. We could sell the place, and move farther out, have a lower mortgage, maybe a little more land, I’d lose the things I love about the scene, but I’d be protecting myself from the hurts.

I guess becoming a more public figure means there will always be more people, some people, who will choose to perceive you as a threat, as competition, as an enemy , as something.  even if it’s something you’re not.  If I were a stronger person, and not coping with one chronic illness, and now potentially another, not yet diagnosed, chronic illness. I might try to do things differently. I honestly don’t know if I have the strength to hear all the negativity. I barely have the strength to respond to negative assumptions and accusations made towards me. I don’t have the strength to stay silent. I don’t have the strength to keep on refuting negative assumptions about me. I don’t have the energy, literally, to speak out and set records straight as to who and what I am.  Today in the alt group someone talked about me being versus another kink venue… nothing could be further from the truth. How they came to this belief is unknown to me. I try to make my views clear, yet people seem to read things between the lines, things that simply don’t exist.

I’ll give myself some time to think about it, talk about it more with Wolfe, we’ve shut the parties down for this month with the option to resume in Sept. and that gives us time to plan what is really important to us.  Right now, I have enough on my plate trying to cope with physical pain and the other symptoms of my illness, and doing my best not to give in to stress and depression in these circumstances. I need to stop letting the negativity in the community engage me. Easier said than done.

Fingers hurt.. typing time’s over for now.

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