Leila Raven Posted in General

I woke up in pain this morning. I woke up groggy and confused, after 8 hours sleep, sore muscles all over, stiff, exhausted and weak. I woke up feeling like I had to desperately pee. I got up and staggered to the bathroom. After peeing I still felt like I desperately had to pee… oh joy, those mock symptoms of a urinary tract infection I don’t have, tingling urgency, restless painful discomfort of having to pee and an empty bladder. I looked for the container of urinary analgesic pills that turn my urine reddish orange and take that feeling away, found it, empty. I staggered back to the bedroom. I needed pain killers for aching pains I had plaguing my body, and those little pee pills too. I could hear Wolfe banging away outside nailing down the new roof on the shed. He would know where more pills were, or could go to refill the scrip if we were out. I couldn’t move… too weak, too sore, too tired, my eyes watering in feelings of helplessness and pain. I tried to force myself to go back to sleep, being still exhausted, sleepy, hoping I could escape it that way. No way, too agitated from the urinary symptoms, too sore from the pain, pugs wrestling in the bed.  Went to the back door, and got Wolfe’s attention on the roof, he came in and brought me meds, we weren’t out of anything, they just were in another location.  I stepped on the scale, to find a bunch of the weight I dropped from having no appetite and not feeling like eating real food has been regained from me comforting myself by eating maple fudge, ice cream, and other junk that goes down easy.  Not a great start to the day. Even with painkillers, I still have some pain… which is annoying, but not as bad as without them. Sometimes I can go most of a day without taking anything, the soreness is tolerable, but then it builds to a point where I can’t take it anymore, and I have to medicate. I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself, which is all too easy to do when you feel bad in any way. I keep reminding myself how good I have it. I have a beautiful home to be ill in, I’m not on the streets or in a shanty in a third world country suffering with an illness like aids with no food and no family and no medications to treat symptoms. I live in a beautiful home, with a beautiful husband, with good food, and with something that as uncomfortable as it may be to cope with, is not likely to be life threatening, though it may end up to be life altering, with medications and medical support. I’m reminded of the proverb “I was angered, for I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet.” Whatever it is I have, and am dealing with, someone somewhere else is suffering more, is braver, is conquering a greater adversary than I am facing. It also puts any kink lifestyle drama into perspective. Life is too precious for me to let others destroy it for me. Let them attack me, let them get it out of their system. Even if they succeed in having a negative impact on Ravens Retreat, and I have to shut down or some such… it’s not important in the big picture. Yes, it’s something I love, no, it’s not my whole life.  I won’t go to war, I won’t retaliate, and it’s not out of fear or being threatened or anything like that, it’s because I don’t want to make my life about that kind of negative dance. If someone comes and tramples down my sandcastle, I’m not going after theirs, if that makes it more likely that I’ll be attacked, fine. I’m not going to play that game, it’s ugly, it’s petty, it’s sad, and it’s pointless. I’m going to revel in the fact that life is like a beautiful day at the beach, and the sun, and the wind, and ocean wide and blue is so big, and so beautiful, and so untouchable, that there’s nothing us mere people can do, to diminish that. What we create… it’s temporary, I can always build another sandcastle, or I can be content to just soak up the sun and the surf of life. There will always be bullies, my problem is, I get sucked into thinking I can make friends with them, and they’ll change, and they won’t be mean to me and others anymore, that they’re just misunderstood. Then my sandcastles get trampled, reality hits home, all too often. There are plenty of good kids to play with, and plenty of beauty in the world to be had, I don’t have to get involved with competitive stuff. I wish those kids weren’t so mean, and I know it’s likely cause someone’s treated them pretty crappy and they’ve had some castles of their own come crashing down, but.. okay, the metaphor is getting silly, and my hands are getting damn sore again. I think it’s time for a nap under my sun umbrella. I love you all, and hopefully no one stuffs a jellyfish down my bathing suit while I’m snoozing! *muah*

Live in love
(and no, I’m not high on painkillers, unfortunately I’m too square to abuse them… )