Into the grey zone…

Leila Raven Posted in General

Well, after loads of various tests blood tests, xray, urine, cultures from this that and the other thing. Checking for everything under the sun, and everything coming up rosy in the paperwork. It’s come down to the fact that whatever I have is not one of those things that you can screen for and get a test result for that says you have _____.  I have one of those things that there isn’t a simple diagnostic test for. The Dr. thinks that the it may be my own immune system that was triggered from having a bladder infection that didn’t shut down after fighting the infection, so it’s an over active immune response. In which case it should calm down on it’s own soon. The other option is that I have a connective tissue disorder like fibromyalgia.  For anyone that has had a serious health problem, and suffered with their body throwing some pretty nasty things at them, and not knowing what is going on, or what is wrong, then, you know what I’m going through. It’s frightening, and tiring, and you have to remind yourself to trust yourself and your Dr. that you’re not going batty, and what you’re experiencing is real.  What am I experiencing. Muscle aches and pains and soreness that affects both my major muscle groups and my small ones, all over my body, I have a low grade ache all the time like you do with flu, and it increases over the day so I’m the most sore in the evenings. I also get areas that are more painful than others, and these vary, often it’s my quads, or my butt, or my back, or my upper arms, the larger muscles, but occasionally a smaller muscle group will get extra achey as well. That’s doing nothing. Using any muscle, causes it to tire fast, and ache more. For instance, from writing this much of this post so far, my fingers have become tired, stiff and achy, as well as my wrists, and the muscles in my forearms in use while I type.  It’s as if I’ve been typing for hours and hours instead of a few minutes. When I get up from a sitting position, low, like the toilet, my leg muscles strain and hurt, as if I’ve just done 200 squats. My body feels like I’ve had an intense workout, the muscles are all fatigued, sore, and unpredictable. Sometimes my control over them is affected, I’ll walk or move a bit funny, and I can feel the effort my body uses, my neck and back, to lift my head. I take breaks when I sit and lay, to rest my head because I get tired of holding it up. My fine motor skills are impaired. I also get joint pain. I feel tired, like I haven’t had a good nights sleep in days. Even when I wake up after a long sleep. I’m exhausted, resting or sleeping doesn’t seem to affect it. In fact I’m groggy for some time in the morning after waking up, and that semi-out of it feeling doesn’t really leave me. I’m tender to the touch. When a pug jumps on me, or when someone touches me, like my friend trying to rub my back the other day, what would normally be neutral or even pleasant sensation, hurts.  I avoid moving. I have no appetite.  I have that horrible urgency and pain you get with urinary tract infection that comes and goes even though I’ve been tests clear for infection now. I have a harder time concentrating, and focusing. So.. all in all, I’m not having much fun. I’ve had to take a break from typing this now, in order to be able to post something this long, I can’t do it in one sitting. I also have constipation, which doesn’t surprise me, it’s like my internal muscles are as weak as my other muscles. My skin is really dry and flaky, which may or may not be why I feel itchy a lot, or the itchiness could be a neurological symptom, as I get more tingling and numbness sensations in my body than are normal for me as well. I also have increased anxiety, and restlessness particularly at night. I get night sweats, and hot and cold flashes.  All in all I can honestly say, I’ve never felt physically this bad before consistently for a long period of time. I may have had more pain, like with IBS or appendicitis, but nothing that’s affected me so pervasively for ongoing with no respite periods. So thats my physical shit in a nutshell. We’ve decided to cancel our events and parties and things for the month, and just hope things resolve. Even if I get better fast, I have a feeling I’ll want some downtime from the stress etc, to just refocus and recoup. That and drama and negative politics in our kink community have me feeling like I want to pull back some.  I do what I do professionally in the kink community more for fun than for profit, and all the profit I make I put back into having more fun with it. If it’s not fun, then I don’t want to be doing it. I’ve never had the attitude it takes to make it be ‘business’ and don’t really want to. I’ll come back to it when I have a clearer head, and more strength, and I can deal with any potential negatives coming from people who see me as a business and/or competitor in some way.  I’m sure I will, there are too many great people in this community, and so much future fun to be had.

Thats it for now.. exhausting post. LOL.

Live in Love.