Someone I was talking with the other day in regards to a person who had treated me poorly in public, commented to me that this person who had been rude and threatening towards me didn’t deserve or need an apology, or respect or kindness from me in this context.  For me, giving someone an apology, or kindness, or respect, is not based on their ethics… it’s based on mine. It has nothing to do with their behavior, it has to do with my choice of how to conduct myself in life.  For me, treating someone with kindness, dignity and respect, isn’t about them having earned it, or are deserving of it. It’s about myself, me deserving my own integrity and my own ethics. I owe it to myself to treat others well, regardless of their choices on how to treat me and others. Someone being rude, or cruel to me, doesn’t make me feel as if I then have the right to treat them poorly in response. I can feel bad that they’ve chosen to treat me poorly or respond disrespectfully, but I don’t base my behavior on the behavior of others, particularly the negative behavior of others. If anything, I often treat these people with additional kindness, a kind of compensatory politeness or respect.  It’s not turning the other cheek, it’s not weakness, it’s not being a doormat. I can assert that I still feel my opinion is true and valid, and acknowledge their feelings as legitimate, but also acknowledge that I don’t agree with how they’ve chosen to respond to it and act on it. But, in terms of whether -I- am making an apology, I have to look to -my- behavior, not theirs. Someone else being in the wrong, does not necessarily put me in the right. If someone is hurtful or aggressive or threatening to me, whether its verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, overt, covert, etc. does not engage a desire in me to retaliate or treat them less than someone who has not done so. I will certainly do my best to avoid further conflict and confrontation with this person, but not at expense to myself or others, or my own integrity. I won’t treat someone else poorly because they’ve treated me poorly… two negatives really don’t make a positive. Hurting someone that hurts you… just causes more hurt. I’m a fixer, and if I can try to make it a win win situation, I will, but I won’t even it out by trying to make a lose lose situation… It would only make me more of a loser, not a winner. I will avoid putting myself in the position to be attacked or hurt by the other person again, I won’t ‘ignore’ it, but I won’t lessen my own standards of behavior on account of their actions. Does this person ‘deserve’ my kindness, dignity and respect? did they ‘earn’ it… that’s not the question for me. I deserve to be what I consider a good, kind, respectful person with dignity, it’s who I want to be, and what I want to do.  It doesn’t feel right to me to be less than that to someone because they chose to be less than that to me, why should I let their negative choices in life make me less of a positive person.

Live in Love.

Leila

Still feeling horrible, went to see the Dr. today, he did a swab culture of my throat, ordered more blood tests to do tomorrow after fasting, and a chest x-ray. Brought up the possibility it may be mono, even though I’ve had that before as a teen.  Who knows, previous tests have ruled out a lot of things it isn’t. It doesn’t jump out as looking like anything obvious or specific. I’m a medical mystery right now. Which I hate, there’s nothing worse than feeling really unwell and having no idea why, if it’s something completely minor and innocent, or if you’re seriously ill, no idea what is happening in the body. Not knowing is one of the worst parts of it, that and feeling sore and exhausted. So, more rest, more tests, more pain killers. It hurts when I type.

Okay, whatever is going on with me health wise is not conveniently fitting into any of the diagnostic boxes that have so far presented themselves. Even though I have all the symptoms of severe hypothyroidism, the blood tests came back… normal. I was feeling so crappy today, that Wolfe insisted I go back to emerge, he was worried about me. I caved, and went in. The people at emerge were concerned enough by my symptoms, that they did a whack of blood work to check for infection, inflammation, etc, etc. The blood tests came back… normal.

I have never felt so ‘abnormal’ in my life. I’m uber weak, can hardly move, all my muscles are sore and fatigued.  I am dizzy, short of breath, confused. My skin is dry and itchy, and I feel ‘tender’ everywhere.  I have a hard time focusing. I can’t concentrated, I’m exhausted, physically and mentally and emotionally. Tired and worn down.  The trouble with having depression is the tendency to chalk it up to the depression… if it weren’t so ’severe’. I can’t imagine this level of physical affliction being depression related. My arms and fingers are getting sore and tired typing this… this teeny tiny little post. It feels like I’m lifting weights, not depressing keys, and that’s on the painkillers.

I am not freaking insane… I’ve been insane before. I remember perfectly well what that was like, I know, it probably comes in different flavors.  I’d like to be making all of this up.. then maybe I can unmake it before it unmakes me.. blech. Okay, enough out of me, my fingers need a rest, seriously.

Well, last season it was the uterus that was voted out of the house, the joy of my hysterectomy. This season, it looks like the thyroid is getting the boot out. I feel craptacular.

First it was some blood tests showing low thyroid, then normal blood test, then low again.. so Dr. ordered an ultrasound of my thyroid, and I have a couple of little nodules, likely no biggie, a lot of people have them, usually benign. So, I’m scheduled for some radiography tests in Aug. for more info on what those nodules are made of.

Then, I had a bladder infection that wouldn’t go away, in hindsight, recurrent, or resistant infection is one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism (check).

So are a whole slew of other fun symptoms which have been building up on me with alarming rapidity. Right now, I feel like total crap. I’m sore everywhere, muscles ache, hurt, cramp. Joints hurt. pain in my hands and feet. Swollen face and throat. Sore throat. constipated. my skin is so dry and flakey, sucking up the oil. I’m exhausted beyond exhaustion. I’m tired, depressed, I get confused, irritable. I’m cold. I get moments of dizziness and nausea. My eyes are sensitive, lights are too bright. I feel unbelievably horrid.

I’d go to emerg, but I’m sure they’re not going to do anything for me. I see my family dr. on teusday, and the meantime, I’m medicating the pain with oxycodon, eating ice cream for my sore throat, playing a lot of scrabble on face book, and just trying to pass the time under a pile of blankets. Also trying to let the mood swings and down feelings bounce away, telling myself, it’s biology, it’s all about the chemical havoc of a disfunctional thyroid, let it go, it will get fixed, soonish, be patient. eat some more ice cream, play some scrabble, have a hot bath, a little cry. Not much longer now… suck it up princess.

But shit, seriously, enough with the health issues. I’d like to take a hiatus from this particular reality show of Leila’s ongoing organ failures. As soon as I start to heal from one thing, another thing is going. Is this what happens as we get older? I need a break, want some healthy time soon please.

I’m not satanist, but in general, I like these guys… “Satanism condones any type of sexual activity which properly satisfies your individual desires–be it heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or even asexual, if you choose. Satanism also sanctions any fetish or deviation which will enhance your sex-life, so long as it involves no one who does not wish to be involved.” Don’t get me wrong, there are the good satanists, and the bad satanists.. just like there are the good xtians and the bad xtians, the good Muslims and the bad Muslims, etc, etc. So I decided to add their quotes to my page, and fill myself with a little ‘good’ satanist wisdom every day.

Why are we afraid of questioning ‘the word of God’… I haven’t read any of my bibles in a while, but I think xtianity condones heterosexual missionary position sex after marriage only and beating your wife un-consensually if she misbehaves… except that modern xtians take what they like from the bible and leave the rest.

Hmmm, maybe I am a satanist, since the term satan originally, did not refer to an entity per se, but meant ‘adversary’ and could mean a spiritual and/or human adversary of Christianity. In general when it comes to xtianity… I don’t approve, peoples ‘motives’ in xtianity are good, but in general, I find it rather fucked up, and lacking in genuine love, compassion and acceptance. I don’t want to be ’saved’ in the Xtian style, will I burn in hell.. er, I don’t think so, I’m not a Satanist, and even if I were, most of them don’t believe in heaven or hell either. It’s mostly just the xtians who buy tickets to ride the 3 stop elevator… heaven, hell, purgatory as an option to some. The rest of us, have already left the building, never mind trapped in it’s elevator. Thank you, thank you very much.

Quoted from the evil bible site:

Top Ten Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian

10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

If you’ve found my ‘anti-christian’ website offensive and would like to go to a bonafide Christian website to receive God’s Love, here’s one of many.

Additional food for thought for Christians… does even contemplating questioning your faith or challenging your faith fill you with ‘fear’? Is fear a healthy part of a healthy spirituality? Would or should a healthy belief system, spiritual lifestyle, faith be ‘fear-based’. Is your life ‘fear based’? Do you think your life being fear based may be connected to your spiritual system being fear based? Does fear keep you from doing things that are bad for you? perhaps. Does fear keep you from doing things that are good for you? Likely. Can you find other ways to motivate yourself to live healthy and happy without remaining in a fear based lifestyle…. YES. Start to shift the trust, to trust in SELF. What you really need is not God’s love, it’s your own. He didn’t save you, YOU saved you. Do you still -need- him, -want- him, or are you just afraid still, to be alone with yourself? God is not the answer, love is the answer, and God is a poor metaphor for Love.

Is Christianity a cult? Go here and here.

This has been a public service announcement.

Thyroid. Well, my Dr. checked my thyroid functioning, and it was a little low, on the hypo side. So he scheduled me in for more blood work, and for an ultrasound. The results of the second blood work came back normal. Which is the first thing he told me, and then said, which is funny, because I wouldn’t have had you go in for the ultrasound then. I was just thinking, so that’s that, all normal, when he said, which is good you did, because the ultrasound found some little areas of extra dense tissue. He went on in great detail about how they were two very small areas of only about 4mm each. But, to be on the safe side, and we like that, I should go have some more tests, radioactive joy, they will tell me whether these areas, he explained are either dense growths of thyroid tissue, in which case the radioactive marker that’s attracted to thyroid will be drawn there, and it will show that, or it’s not thyroid tissue in which case the radioactive marker will not penetrate well into it.  Then if it’s not thyroid tissue, we get to discovering exactly what it is, which means biopsy. I have to wait till mid august to do the next tests with radiology. Then some time for the results. So likely won’t know till end of august whether it’s all okay, or off for surgery.  Of course, now I’m off to google my odds of thyroid cancer, and what other goodies may or may not be in store for me. This is not what one wants to hear on days when you’re feeling totally worn out and exhausted. He also needed more blood testing to do another level to see whether it’s normal or not, it could be ‘fluctuating’… hmmm, weird.  The good news, by the time I was back to the lab with my paperwork they still had the vials they’d taken this morning to test my levels of testosterone with and didn’t have to poke me and take more blood, they can test for the other T, the thyroid levels of the blood taken to check the testosterone with.  I’m exhausted, give me more T and T, but please, don’t give me the big C.

Well, I’ve been jonesing for some jonesing.  Ever since I’ve been medicated for my depression, many years now, my libido has been severely impaired. Since I used to want sex frequently, well to be honest ‘all the time’,  in the pre-depression years, this lack of interest is a change from my ‘normal’ state of sexual functioning. For the first few years, yes YEARS, this wasn’t a big issue, since most of my time was spent alternately trying to die and trying to live, sex was kind of on the back burner. The couple of years after that, yes YEARS, I was just so damn content (happy seems misplaced for a depressive) to be stable, and not actively suicidal, and to be feeling feelings, and lots of them good feelings, or at least not bad feelings, that the lack of libido still wasn’t an issue. Now, it’s starting to become an issue, I’m missing sex. When I do actually get aroused, I have a hard time getting off. It’s the meds, the meds that keep the depression in check also affect the chemistry in such a way as to make me less interested and less able.  So I’ve started seeing a specialist, and he is assessing my levels of free-testosterone to see if I can tinker with my levels. He explained that if my levels of free T are normal, then adding more T from experience, won’t actually make much difference. So even if I was willing to run around pumped up on extra T incurring side effects, it wouldn’t likely fix the problem. So, I’m hoping my free testosterone levels are lowish, so we can tinker there. Side effects you say? yes, I may grow more hair, but I’m not very hairy, so a little extra shaving or waxing or permanent removal is no biggie, I barely have body hair. I may bulk up some… bring on the muscles baby! I’d be happy to have more muscle mass, muscles are hot. My clit may grow a bit.. excellent. Right now it’s on the slightly hard to find side, I’ve got some room for expansion. So I’m not worried about becoming a hairy muscle bound he-man with a dick sized clitty. As long as it makes me hornier I’m good to go.  The other thing the Dr. recommended, because once aroused I sometimes have a hard time reaching a good strong orgasm, is viagra. So there you go, testosterone and viagra, manly yes, but I like them too.

Things that suck

- My sleep cycle got muckled up, not enough sleep, back for a nap, too much sleep, I don’t know. Feel stoned.

- Not enough income. Money is low in the incoming flow.

- Too many expenses. Costs are too high right now.

- Not enough website clients. business is slumping, despite attempts to drum it up.

- I seem emotionally incapable of taking on add on work like pro-D sessions right now.

- I have guilt over my inability to earn more income.

- I’m dehydrated. I’m too stupid to make tea or pour water.

- I think Wolfe is stressed.

- My nipple piercings need cleaning.

- I’m lazy and depressed.

- My medication kills my sex drive, and when I have drive, impedes my ability to reach orgasm.

- I often feel lost and/or paralyzed.

- I have no houseboy, I tried to have one, I don’t think it ever really happened. I had something, tentative, it’s gone now.

- Sometimes I don’t know when to quit, most of the time, I don’t know how to start.

- I’m neurotic and self-obsessed.

- I have too many pets.

- I fall in love easily and hard.  Usually with those I love I fall into a cycle of giving till it hurts, and not receiving in balance.

- I have lots of mosquito bites, I’m itchy.

- I’m focusing on the negatives.

Things that rock

- I have a beautiful relationship with a man that loves me deeply and completely.

- I have a beautiful home in a beautiful city in a beautiful country, without hunger, poverty, or war.

- I’m alive, I have the ability to feel, love, give, breathe, be.

- I’m surrounded by life, by good people, by opportunities for growth, health, love, and well being.

- I have choices, about how to live, and how to see the world.

- I can count my blessings.

This was supposed to cheer me up.. fuck it, I still feel stoned, neurotic, depressed, dehydrated, and worred about monies… grrrr. Stupid. Try again Leila, keep counting your blessings, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and if you can’t do that, move on, give it some time, try again.  Things don’t always work out the way you’d like them to. That’s life. Sometimes you count your blessings, and you still feel like you’re having a crappy day.

I’ve been sucked into face book… feel free to hunt me down there, and preferably join my zombie army… I’m listed under my legal name, Leila Raven.