Updates from my crazy world.. my crazy head.

Leila Raven Post in General

My teapot was warm this morning, but when I touched it.. my heart did not warm.. the heat didn’t transfer into feelings of love, security, pleasure. I don’t understand, why he wants to make me tea, serve. He doesn’t love me.  Why does he need to love me? Just because I love him? No, he doesn’t need to love me, to be my houseboy, my pet. But without the love… it is lacking.  Our one month training service contract is up. Things are complicated, sorting them out as best I can. Juggling, keep everyone including myself, as well and happy and whole as I can.  I don’t enjoy sex without love, can I enjoy intimate d/s service without love?… yes, in small structured doses. So be it. But it’s not what I really want.. I want that deep love, adoration, from a submissive, from a service slut, from a slave. I want to love them as intensely as I love zen, but I need my love returned. I need that balance.

So, deep inside of me, there are my dreams, my barely articulated desires for life and love. For some reason, for me, this has always included more people being in my immediate ‘family’.  By family, in my dreams, I don’t mean my family of origin, or having children and making a family. I mean something more akin to polyamory, a household of adults whom love one another and meet one anothers needs, co-live, co-love. In the past, Wolfe and I looked at this as a possibility of co-habitating with other couples, or bringing a third into our relationship/lives, or… and, well, that didn’t end up working out for us. The people we got involved with always ended up wanting a more ‘traditional’ relationship and it would fracture, one way or another. So the latest variation of the plan, to fill the dreams I have, was to bring people into our household/family/lives in a d/s power exchange relationship. A submissive or submissives who would not only be happy with non-traditional, and with Wolfe and I having a different type of bond than with them, but actually seek that. Someone who wanted a Mistress and a Master, in all that that can mean.

I thought I may have found that in zen, but zen, does not love. I love him, and cherish him, but I need a slave/pet/sub in my family, that can love me back. Ideally someone whom Wolfe can love, and love Wolfe.  Love comes easily to me, often, I wonder why it’s so elusive for others. Is love a choice? a gift? a curse? Can we turn it on and off? Can some people? can others? Is the love I feel towards others in my life the same as the love other people feel.. what is love?… damn confusing stuff.

The only thing I know about love is I know it when I feel it. I love.

Do I have ‘family’ out there, adults, loving, kinky, open, wanting to live and love with me, as I am, unconditional, grow, create, be… Who knows. Do I stop dreaming? can I even stop dreaming? Do I shut away the fantasy needs? I have a strong pair of arms to hold me, I have Wolfe who loves me dearly and deeply. Why do I desire… more? Why do I desire someone to submit, serve, adore me? I just know what is, but I don’t know why it is.

I still haven’t replied to any of my emails asking for sessions. I’m fragile right now, not a good space to do professional work. Anxiety and depression triggered. No work for me, not that I usually do many sessions to begin with, but no. Not even replying to them right now.

Wolfe and I decided after all that the male dog being given away, not a chihuahua at all, but what looks to be a pure Rat Terrier, would be a good stud dog for us, if his temperment was right, etc.  So we went out to look at him, and yes, we brought him home. We now have 4 dogs in the house. 3 pugs and a rat terrier. We also have two rats, a snake, and a fish.  I thought the new dog may feel like the odd dog out, not being a pug. This dog being a rescue off the street by the people rehoming him, didn’t come with a name he knew yet. So I thought I would call him Prince Pug Charming.  We’ll breed him to our pug Luna, and the hybrid is called a Puggat.  Prince is an adorable little dog, and seems to be settling very well into our home.  Other than being very under-weight from being on the streets, he’s a very healthy little guy. He seems to have been abused in the past, as sudden movements around him will cause him to cringe.

I was struggling a little yesterday, made some bad choices, my head wasn’t in a good place, better today.

Still looking for love, in all the wrong faces.

Thank you Wolfe, for your love, for being you, for being with me, for letting me be me.

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