Give me a gift… and LIVE.

Leila Raven Post in General
8

Those games you play with yourself in your own head.. not games, patterns. Repeats, grooves you get stuck in. Habits of thought. Where your mind doesn’t know how to do a new thing. That worn neural pathway, the river of thought and behavior has flowed so often, and sometimes so strongly that same route, that it’s carved the way. When the waters of emotions flow… trying to breach those high banks and take another direction. Seems impossible.. the water wants to flow the familiar groove.  Stuck in a familiar groove… want to breach the bank, and go in another direction, trapped, and the waters are strong, stirring up the mud.

What is it about my poly dreams? What is it about wanting the love of more than two flowing at the same time? Is it some kind of regressed sublimated desire for two present parents? Or was I just a freaking bonobo chimp in a previous incarnation? It’s not the sex… well, sex is a concrete symbolic language perfect for the expression of love, so it is tied in that way. Some odd -need- to be surrounded by.. love.

One of my bizarre comforting highly erotic sexual and emotional fulfilling fantasies as a young teen, was to be at the top of a mesa, South American pyramid, somewhere in the jungle. Sitting on the top, on a throne/altar, a living goddess, a god made flesh. Priestess, goddess, divine ruler, and my people climbing the steps in spiritual ecstacy, filled with love, lust, adoration, to worship at the personal temple between my legs, and around me the jungle bloomed. Honestly… I’m not usually entirely an ego driven sexual meglomaniac. I have plenty of insecurities, and my share of self esteem issues. Especially did at the age the fantasies started.  So is it then some kind of ultimate ‘acceptance’ fantasy?

This fantasy and need to create a loving, intimate, sexual, adult family. Full of meeting one anothers deep emotional needs… it sounds… practical? to me, yet bizarre.  Can it work? in a world where we’re taught from day one to chase white picked fences? Can people come together and maintain long term intense profound really meaningful alt relationships?  Is there someone else out there that can actually… step away.. from the normative expectations of conformity, and live that life? fearless, fully, completely.  I’ve had a few say… yes! It’s what their soul desires, then, the ‘reality’ starts to creep in, how to ‘hide’ it from the parents, what if my mother finds out? what if it prohibits me from… fitting in in the ‘real’ (and I use that term with great irony) world, the work place, the childhood friends, the family. The ‘yes’ I can do this, I want this, slowly gets eroded away by… I can’t do this to my father/mother/brother/friends/work/world… that ‘real’ world, of people pretending, acting, being what they think they need to be for their fathers/mothers/brothers/friends/works/world… lies.   Damn it people. WAKE UP, and grab your deep dreams, your hearts, your souls… stop killing yourselves with fucking conformity.

Stop being loved and accepted for LIES. Thats the evil in the world, pretending to be the person your parents/family/community/spouse wants in order to be a part of their life and love. How can you be recieving their love when it’s a facade, a mask of yourself, a role, you have to be to accept it.  Fear of ‘losing’ ‘them’ those people in your life that are loving your masks… what kind of love is that really? Does it fill you? are you FULL? of love, or walking around hungry and pretending… I hate it.

I Hate the world of false loving. Love ME dammit for who I am. I am freaking kinky, insane, vulnerable, imperfect, flawed, mood disordered, passionate, HUMAN. I LOVE YOU. and YOU means you YOU any and each one of you reading this. Not to a solo reader, to everyone. YOU are lovable, YOU are good enough…  when are you all going to stop being pretenders and take reality back to reality. be real.

Instead… the world will turn on. Hide it from the spouse, visit the hooker, the pro-domme, the secret website, lock it away from the family, go to work, go to church, smile, pretend… you’re telling yourself, consciously or unconsciously that -YOU- are not worthy of love, they only love the masks… and if you take the mask off, they won’t love you, and better to be loved in part, for the pretend, than lose the love you crave from your parents, your family, your spouse, your community. I disagree… that’s not love at all. Conditional, conditional love… that’s poison to the soul.

Can you handle it stripped away? that tiny trickle of ‘false love’ that feeds you… probably not, so you continue to suckle at that barely flowing teat of life… never full.

and I? hungry too… because I crave MORE. All the masks all the hurt, all the empty love around me, screaming at me, the lies of life and love.. I want to run through the streets and wake you all up.

I want to love the world, love the world, have the world love me…

Your lives are running out, all of ours are, the days go by. Who will you live them for?

Will there be a birthday, I wonder, for today’s my birthday, when I’ll wake up? and stop dreaming? Drop my desire for a loving poly bdsm kinky open free flowing adult -family- of love? Drop my desire to touch the world, slap the faces of conformity? Will there be a morning, a birthday, when I wake up broken… smile, slip on a mask, and pretend, that everything is OK. Don’t let me die inside, don’t break me down. Love me… how? love yourself, give yourself truth, give yourself integrity, give me that present today on my birthday, someone, somewhere today, take LIFE, choose TRUTH, come out to someone, change your life in some way to be more honest, make more space for the real you.

Love yourself, cross-dress, kink it up, confess, do something… be something, shed a tear for your truth… FEEL. let me create something today.

Happy birthday Leila… Breathe

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