The heart, is it a muscle? if it tears or breaks… does it build back bigger? stronger?… I like to think so. Especially when mine is aching. I tell myself, it’s like my muscles, after a workout, I just tore it a bit, with rest, and nourishment, it will be back… stronger, bigger.
Live in Love

My teapot was warm this morning, but when I touched it.. my heart did not warm.. the heat didn’t transfer into feelings of love, security, pleasure. I don’t understand, why he wants to make me tea, serve. He doesn’t love me.  Why does he need to love me? Just because I love him? No, he [...]

If you want a gift freely given, then you cannot ask for it.

Sometimes I feel like my emotional stability is like a house of cards. Building happiness in bright colours, creative constructions of joy, climbing higher, and then a breeze comes, and I’m knocked down flat.
Today’s ill winds… in order of appearance.
(This is hard to write, because I’m not censoring -anything- so it’s what’s inside laid out [...]

It is better to give, than to recieve. Even love. In fact, no one can actually, give you love. They can love you, but the love is something they keep in their own hearts and souls. If you want love… you have to grow your own. If you’re feeling the ‘void’ if you’re having that [...]

Those games you play with yourself in your own head.. not games, patterns. Repeats, grooves you get stuck in. Habits of thought. Where your mind doesn’t know how to do a new thing. That worn neural pathway, the river of thought and behavior has flowed so often, and sometimes so strongly that same route, that [...]

frission, unending
spiralling buzzing dancing sensation
vibrating.
For moments I think I’m still
silent, calm, meditation.
but realize the truth of it…
momentarily desensitized to the
constant
hum.
It’s still there
jiggling at my insides,
fluid
ripples on the pond
cascading, slipping, shivering.
hot, cold.
It’s a taste,
how can it be a taste
a frission, a soul shiver…
what’s the flavour of that?!
But it’s there, in my mouth
heavy, and ache,
a taste that’s [...]

Your name.
the meaning of it.
Though to me it tonight it brings joy, joy sharp enough to bring tears and smiles unbidden.
You make me happy, discovering you, and uncovering little bits of you delighting me. Watching you watching me… delighting each other. Happy. simple. oddly uncomplicated yet still very very deep.
My eyes go black with pupil [...]

I can see the ice in your eyes some moments
hard, cold, anger.
When you’re fighting with something… in your head
I know in those moments, a panic.
The knowledge that you have the ability to go to a hard place.
A hard cold lonely place from where you could wound me,
shut out all warmth, turn away, slice open my [...]