I have an ache…

Leila Raven Posted in General
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The heart, is it a muscle? if it tears or breaks… does it build back bigger? stronger?… I like to think so. Especially when mine is aching. I tell myself, it’s like my muscles, after a workout, I just tore it a bit, with rest, and nourishment, it will be back… stronger, bigger.

Live in Love

Updates from my crazy world.. my crazy head.

Leila Raven Posted in General
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My teapot was warm this morning, but when I touched it.. my heart did not warm.. the heat didn’t transfer into feelings of love, security, pleasure. I don’t understand, why he wants to make me tea, serve. He doesn’t love me.  Why does he need to love me? Just because I love him? No, he doesn’t need to love me, to be my houseboy, my pet. But without the love… it is lacking.  Our one month training service contract is up. Things are complicated, sorting them out as best I can. Juggling, keep everyone including myself, as well and happy and whole as I can.  I don’t enjoy sex without love, can I enjoy intimate d/s service without love?… yes, in small structured doses. So be it. But it’s not what I really want.. I want that deep love, adoration, from a submissive, from a service slut, from a slave. I want to love them as intensely as I love zen, but I need my love returned. I need that balance.

So, deep inside of me, there are my dreams, my barely articulated desires for life and love. For some reason, for me, this has always included more people being in my immediate ‘family’.  By family, in my dreams, I don’t mean my family of origin, or having children and making a family. I mean something more akin to polyamory, a household of adults whom love one another and meet one anothers needs, co-live, co-love. In the past, Wolfe and I looked at this as a possibility of co-habitating with other couples, or bringing a third into our relationship/lives, or… and, well, that didn’t end up working out for us. The people we got involved with always ended up wanting a more ‘traditional’ relationship and it would fracture, one way or another. So the latest variation of the plan, to fill the dreams I have, was to bring people into our household/family/lives in a d/s power exchange relationship. A submissive or submissives who would not only be happy with non-traditional, and with Wolfe and I having a different type of bond than with them, but actually seek that. Someone who wanted a Mistress and a Master, in all that that can mean.

I thought I may have found that in zen, but zen, does not love. I love him, and cherish him, but I need a slave/pet/sub in my family, that can love me back. Ideally someone whom Wolfe can love, and love Wolfe.  Love comes easily to me, often, I wonder why it’s so elusive for others. Is love a choice? a gift? a curse? Can we turn it on and off? Can some people? can others? Is the love I feel towards others in my life the same as the love other people feel.. what is love?… damn confusing stuff.

The only thing I know about love is I know it when I feel it. I love.

Do I have ‘family’ out there, adults, loving, kinky, open, wanting to live and love with me, as I am, unconditional, grow, create, be… Who knows. Do I stop dreaming? can I even stop dreaming? Do I shut away the fantasy needs? I have a strong pair of arms to hold me, I have Wolfe who loves me dearly and deeply. Why do I desire… more? Why do I desire someone to submit, serve, adore me? I just know what is, but I don’t know why it is.

I still haven’t replied to any of my emails asking for sessions. I’m fragile right now, not a good space to do professional work. Anxiety and depression triggered. No work for me, not that I usually do many sessions to begin with, but no. Not even replying to them right now.

Wolfe and I decided after all that the male dog being given away, not a chihuahua at all, but what looks to be a pure Rat Terrier, would be a good stud dog for us, if his temperment was right, etc.  So we went out to look at him, and yes, we brought him home. We now have 4 dogs in the house. 3 pugs and a rat terrier. We also have two rats, a snake, and a fish.  I thought the new dog may feel like the odd dog out, not being a pug. This dog being a rescue off the street by the people rehoming him, didn’t come with a name he knew yet. So I thought I would call him Prince Pug Charming.  We’ll breed him to our pug Luna, and the hybrid is called a Puggat.  Prince is an adorable little dog, and seems to be settling very well into our home.  Other than being very under-weight from being on the streets, he’s a very healthy little guy. He seems to have been abused in the past, as sudden movements around him will cause him to cringe.

I was struggling a little yesterday, made some bad choices, my head wasn’t in a good place, better today.

Still looking for love, in all the wrong faces.

Thank you Wolfe, for your love, for being you, for being with me, for letting me be me.

If you want…

Leila Raven Posted in General
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If you want a gift freely given, then you cannot ask for it.

House of cards

Leila Raven Posted in General
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Sometimes I feel like my emotional stability is like a house of cards. Building happiness in bright colours, creative constructions of joy, climbing higher, and then a breeze comes, and I’m knocked down flat.

Today’s ill winds… in order of appearance.

(This is hard to write, because I’m not censoring -anything- so it’s what’s inside laid out totally, there is no -more- than this, this is it maxed out)

– Every morning I touch my teapot, my warm full teapot connects with the warm full feeling inside of me, I have zen, and he served me tea this morning as I slept. It’s a gift of service, albiet a small one. This morning my teapot was cold. Was I forgotten? dropped from priority lists? why a cold tea pot. A little insecurity creeps in. Very small, the house of cards is barely touched. Nothing moves, but I see it there in front of me, and realize that it is, my happiness, a house of cards…

– I have a letter in my in-box for a pro-D session, I’m not feeling well, I have a bladder infection. It’s someone wanting a session this Saturday. I want to take it, need the money, would probably enjoy it. But I don’t think I can do it.  I get that trapped panicky feeling, wondering if I’m adding too much to my ‘responsibility’ plate. Too many ‘things’ on my to do list this week…  But not so many things.  I push it away, shelve it for later, which means it’s going to sit there nagging at me to respond, take the session, don’t take the session, take the session, don’t take the session. stupid. It’s a wild card, unpredictable, save it for later.

– I have a letter in my inbox from someone rehoming a cute chihuahua cross male.  He’d make the perfect stud dog for Luna, I think, we’ve agreed to breed her, Wolfe and I.  Wolfe doesn’t think so. He wants to breed her to a pure bred boston terrier. We argue, we fight, we get no where. House of cards is quaking. The king of spades sits on top of the house of cards, and he slips to lay flat, no longer facing me, but the house of cards still stands.

– I can see zen is online, in facebook, updating, but his instant messenger is turned off. Is he hiding from me? I’ve asked him how he feels about me, about us, about being here.  I’ve gotten a little feedback… not much. Is he in there?  Can I get what I need from someone so focused on their own self process. When I’m so selfish too? Am I sick? to want to be so loved, to want to be adored, to want to be the focus… I feel shallow and ill. That I have that need to be fed in that way. Yesterday, or the day before, I wrote about those holes, about growing your own love. Then today, all I feel is the ache and insecurity, crazy.  The jack of hearts takes a dive… and I lose a corner of my foundation, the house of cards still stands.

– Conflicts and arguments with Wolfe over breeding Luna continue, and the Queen of spades, and the center of it all, she buckles.. and the whole house comes down. So I sit with tears in my eyes, and I start to write this.  The joy… with each sentence I’ve typed, I’ve stacked a few cards back up. Amazing how catharctic the writing of it can be. I have a foundation again already, just from seeing how it fell..

Crazy day.. there may be more card collapses.. tired, fighting infection, loopy from antibiotics, stressed for others a bit, feeling fragile.. emotions built of paper houses in bright colours. Wondering how one goes about trading in the playing decks for something sturdier… anyone have some mega blocks? Leggos? hmmmmm?

I just want a sturdier house, built of joy, in pretty colours.

About Love

Leila Raven Posted in General
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It is better to give, than to recieve. Even love. In fact, no one can actually, give you love. They can love you, but the love is something they keep in their own hearts and souls. If you want love… you have to grow your own. If you’re feeling the ‘void’ if you’re having that ‘yearning ache’ thinking you need it filled by someone elses love… you’ll always be going hungry. Only you, can fill you with love. Love others, love self, love life, grow love, and stop digging holes in your own soul. Today, I am filled with love.

Give me a gift… and LIVE.

Leila Raven Posted in General
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Those games you play with yourself in your own head.. not games, patterns. Repeats, grooves you get stuck in. Habits of thought. Where your mind doesn’t know how to do a new thing. That worn neural pathway, the river of thought and behavior has flowed so often, and sometimes so strongly that same route, that it’s carved the way. When the waters of emotions flow… trying to breach those high banks and take another direction. Seems impossible.. the water wants to flow the familiar groove.  Stuck in a familiar groove… want to breach the bank, and go in another direction, trapped, and the waters are strong, stirring up the mud.

What is it about my poly dreams? What is it about wanting the love of more than two flowing at the same time? Is it some kind of regressed sublimated desire for two present parents? Or was I just a freaking bonobo chimp in a previous incarnation? It’s not the sex… well, sex is a concrete symbolic language perfect for the expression of love, so it is tied in that way. Some odd -need- to be surrounded by.. love.

One of my bizarre comforting highly erotic sexual and emotional fulfilling fantasies as a young teen, was to be at the top of a mesa, South American pyramid, somewhere in the jungle. Sitting on the top, on a throne/altar, a living goddess, a god made flesh. Priestess, goddess, divine ruler, and my people climbing the steps in spiritual ecstacy, filled with love, lust, adoration, to worship at the personal temple between my legs, and around me the jungle bloomed. Honestly… I’m not usually entirely an ego driven sexual meglomaniac. I have plenty of insecurities, and my share of self esteem issues. Especially did at the age the fantasies started.  So is it then some kind of ultimate ‘acceptance’ fantasy?

This fantasy and need to create a loving, intimate, sexual, adult family. Full of meeting one anothers deep emotional needs… it sounds… practical? to me, yet bizarre.  Can it work? in a world where we’re taught from day one to chase white picked fences? Can people come together and maintain long term intense profound really meaningful alt relationships?  Is there someone else out there that can actually… step away.. from the normative expectations of conformity, and live that life? fearless, fully, completely.  I’ve had a few say… yes! It’s what their soul desires, then, the ‘reality’ starts to creep in, how to ‘hide’ it from the parents, what if my mother finds out? what if it prohibits me from… fitting in in the ‘real’ (and I use that term with great irony) world, the work place, the childhood friends, the family. The ‘yes’ I can do this, I want this, slowly gets eroded away by… I can’t do this to my father/mother/brother/friends/work/world… that ‘real’ world, of people pretending, acting, being what they think they need to be for their fathers/mothers/brothers/friends/works/world… lies.   Damn it people. WAKE UP, and grab your deep dreams, your hearts, your souls… stop killing yourselves with fucking conformity.

Stop being loved and accepted for LIES. Thats the evil in the world, pretending to be the person your parents/family/community/spouse wants in order to be a part of their life and love. How can you be recieving their love when it’s a facade, a mask of yourself, a role, you have to be to accept it.  Fear of ‘losing’ ‘them’ those people in your life that are loving your masks… what kind of love is that really? Does it fill you? are you FULL? of love, or walking around hungry and pretending… I hate it.

I Hate the world of false loving. Love ME dammit for who I am. I am freaking kinky, insane, vulnerable, imperfect, flawed, mood disordered, passionate, HUMAN. I LOVE YOU. and YOU means you YOU any and each one of you reading this. Not to a solo reader, to everyone. YOU are lovable, YOU are good enough…  when are you all going to stop being pretenders and take reality back to reality. be real.

Instead… the world will turn on. Hide it from the spouse, visit the hooker, the pro-domme, the secret website, lock it away from the family, go to work, go to church, smile, pretend… you’re telling yourself, consciously or unconsciously that -YOU- are not worthy of love, they only love the masks… and if you take the mask off, they won’t love you, and better to be loved in part, for the pretend, than lose the love you crave from your parents, your family, your spouse, your community. I disagree… that’s not love at all. Conditional, conditional love… that’s poison to the soul.

Can you handle it stripped away? that tiny trickle of ‘false love’ that feeds you… probably not, so you continue to suckle at that barely flowing teat of life… never full.

and I? hungry too… because I crave MORE. All the masks all the hurt, all the empty love around me, screaming at me, the lies of life and love.. I want to run through the streets and wake you all up.

I want to love the world, love the world, have the world love me…

Your lives are running out, all of ours are, the days go by. Who will you live them for?

Will there be a birthday, I wonder, for today’s my birthday, when I’ll wake up? and stop dreaming? Drop my desire for a loving poly bdsm kinky open free flowing adult -family- of love? Drop my desire to touch the world, slap the faces of conformity? Will there be a morning, a birthday, when I wake up broken… smile, slip on a mask, and pretend, that everything is OK. Don’t let me die inside, don’t break me down. Love me… how? love yourself, give yourself truth, give yourself integrity, give me that present today on my birthday, someone, somewhere today, take LIFE, choose TRUTH, come out to someone, change your life in some way to be more honest, make more space for the real you.

Love yourself, cross-dress, kink it up, confess, do something… be something, shed a tear for your truth… FEEL. let me create something today.

Happy birthday Leila… Breathe

Scorpio rising.

Leila Raven Posted in General
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frission, unending
spiralling buzzing dancing sensation
vibrating.

For moments I think I’m still
silent, calm, meditation.
but realize the truth of it…
momentarily desensitized to the
constant
hum.

It’s still there
jiggling at my insides,
fluid
ripples on the pond
cascading, slipping, shivering.
hot, cold.

It’s a taste,
how can it be a taste
a frission, a soul shiver…
what’s the flavour of that?!

But it’s there, in my mouth
heavy, and ache,
a taste that’s an ache
a smell, just out of reach.
a motion, that’s still.
Something almost, nothing.

subtle, intense.

You brought it with you.
When you came here.
it hasn’t left me…
whatever it is.

hungry with the not-hunger
thirsty with the not-thirst

Wanting to be satisfied
no
that’s a lie.
wanting to yearn.
wanting to vibrate.
wanting the frission.

Build it, feed it, slake it, fuel it.
the more you feed it, the hungrier it becomes.
it’s fire.

You’ve lit a flame, in a gemini
I’m a temple of air.
you’ve ignited my scorpio
somehow

Thats what it is
hungry ascendant
never before fully roused and woken
now stirs
black carapaced
sting
claws
sharp
and starved
burning.
vibrating.
animal.

frission.

my ascendant now… scorpio… rising.

you’ve awoken it, a beast.

you’ve lit a fire… in a temple of air… it may burn for ever there.
explosive.

It means bright fame

Leila Raven Posted in General
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Your name.

the meaning of it.

Though to me it tonight it brings joy, joy sharp enough to bring tears and smiles unbidden.

You make me happy, discovering you, and uncovering little bits of you delighting me. Watching you watching me… delighting each other. Happy. simple. oddly uncomplicated yet still very very deep.

My eyes go black with pupil dilation in my own ecstasy.  It’s when my heart and my soul open so wide… expanding, expanding, eyes, windows, reflections, pools widening, to take it all in. cosmos.

I want to consume you. drown you, drown in you.

Honestly, I’ve never had the desire to clamp down and break skin and ‘taste’ someone hard like I do when I kiss you and taste you. Want to have every last part of you, but want it given, all given… take it as it’s offered.

I love NRE, new relationship energy, what that mix does to your body chemistry. Flying high on it right now.

Having a hard time writing, when all I want to do is be touching you, and kissing you. Need to let the boys sleep right now though. So will be a responsible type, and sublimate my desires by stroking the keyboard instead.

It’s hard to be ‘good’ and ‘responsible’ when you have two hot men in your bedroom…

small graces, big love.

Leila Raven Posted in General
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I can see the ice in your eyes some moments

hard, cold, anger.

When you’re fighting with something… in your head

I know in those moments, a panic.

The knowledge that you have the ability to go to a hard place.

A hard cold lonely place from where you could wound me,

shut out all warmth, turn away, slice open my heart.

The panic is small.

I’ve been fatally wounded before, and live.

No, that’s not a mistake, I know fatal means I’ve died.

I have died, over and over and over again, but again, I live.

I like the shape, and taste, and feel.. of your mouth.

I like how beautiful and raw your eyes can be,

I also like the artful games you play with them.

If someone is a performer, does it mean they are not being real

when they perform?

or are they at their truest, and revealing self, cleverly, in every ‘act’.

you are there, I see you, even in those elements of practiced charm

How many people have those eyes played that game of chase with?

It doesn’t matter, that you may have used a line, a term, a glance, many times before.

What matters now, is they are for me, your practiced graces

and it is different with me, than for each before…

that mouth, those eyes, that charm… your heart, belong to me.

It might be different some day down the line, but in the moment, this moment.

you are here, chained.

home.