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I have a disability. I have very severe chronic depression. Like a lot of people with disabilities, I prefer to focus on my abilities than my disabilities.
A lot of people have assumptions about mood disorders such as depression. I’d like to talk a little bit about what -my- depression is, and isn’t.
My depression is a bio-chemical disorder that is genetic, it is likely passed on in my family on whatever genes depression is passed along on. Anxiety and depressive disorders seem to run strongly in my family and extended family. It is not something I have control over via ‘willpower’ any more than you can control another biochemical genetic health issue with ‘willpower’ like diabetes. I can no more control the deficiency of serotonin or whatever mix of brain chemicals I’m lacking, than a diabetic can control their insulin levels by simply trying to change my mind about it.
I have to take anti-depressant medications in order to manage my disorder. If I do not my ability to function deteriorates to the point where I am unable to function and require hospitalization. I’m not ashamed of this. I have a medical condition. If I were an extreme diabetic dependent on medication and did not take it, I would likewise deteriorate and require medical intervention.
There are no great one size fits all ‘cures’ for severe depression. The medication I take keeps my mood stable, allows me to maintain a certain level of functioning and well being, but does not bring me back up to a level of functioning that I was before the onset of depression in my life.
I also have to cope with a number of side effects from the medications I have to take.
How does my depression and medications affect me?
Depression is not just a disorder of mood. In depression many brain functions may be ‘depressed’. My mood is fairly well controlled by my medications… this means I maintain a pretty normal level of happiness in my life, ups and downs, etc, are well within the range of what most people experience. My mood is pretty normal on meds. My judgement and reasoning are not affected, I’m not prone to mood swings or irrationality, or anything like that. I’m happy/content the vast majority of the time.
Where my depression causes limitations are:
In my ability to handle multiple stressors/responsibilities – I can’t. I have a hard time coping with certain types of stress or responsibility. I can organize a support group, help friends with trauma and crisis just fine. But schedule too many percieved ‘responsibilities’ in a week, even ones I enjoy, and I ‘overload’ ie. I can have a party, do one session, and have a doctors appt. in a week, and be fine. I can’t have a party, do one session, meet a friend for lunch, have a doctors appt., and a nail appt, and a shopping trip with a friend in one week. I freeze up and can’t function, too many things. It doesn’t matter that the extra things are all things I ‘like’, all the things on the list can be positive stressors. Doesn’t matter, my mind can only handle x amount of percieved responsibilities/commitments a week. Why? who the hell knows… trial and error I’ve discovered the limitations of my disability.
What happens if I do ‘overload’ – I shutdown, ie, I end up in bed for a day or three, sleeping, avoiding the world, hiding, feeling paralized.. it passes, and I come back up to my previous coping point. That’s it, no big meltdowns, drama, etc, I just shut down for a short period of time.. emotionally and physically hibernate.
Memory. My memory is one of the areas of my mind that is very depressed. I remember events just fine, I remember what I’ve done, what’s happened. I don’t remember numbers well. I’ve been in my home 6 months now, I still occasionally forget my street address, and usually my postal code. I have a hard time with names. I may have to be introduced to you several times to match your name to your face. It’s not personal, it’s my depression. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to have to apologize and ask for a reminder of what someones name is. I don’t want to offend people, I don’t want to get into a long explanation about my memory and my depression. People assume things about depressed people, and a lot of those assumptions don’t apply to me.
Depressed energy levels and motivation. It’s very hard for me to ‘get going’. People may wonder why and how I spend hours on alt and the computer laying in the same spot on my couch in front of my laptop barely moving. My energy levels are very affected as is my motivation to initiate being active and doing things. Again, it’s not something I ‘choose’. Pre-depression onset, I was extremely active and busy, always on the go, sitting and doing practically ‘nothing’ for long periods would be unheard of. I cooked, cleaned, organized my living environment, worked full time, went to school full time, volunteered, took kick boxing, taught kick boxing, was always on the go.
Medication side effects, decreased sex drive, decreased ability to achieve orgasm, tendency to overheat, body temp spikes with activity. Feeling hungry much of the time. Craving carbs.
I’ve delt with weight gain, and going from a nympho drive to mostly feeling gratified by my bdsm power and conrol relationships and not so interested in ’straight’ sex. I’m always trying to improve the activity levels and healthy eating, and work on the sex drive… it’s slow going. s’okay.. I’m patient.
Bad days… I can’t do much. May have to cancel plans and just be a couch slug. Worst days, in the bed in the dark ’shut down’. Good days, I do a couple of things – lol.
What can you do? Don’t jump to conclusions about my depression, ask if you’re not sure. Don’t take offense if I can’t remember your name. Ask me if theres something you can do for me to reduce my ‘percieved responsibilities’ load. Don’t push me if I say no. Be understanding if I have to cancel something because I’m becoming overwhelmed, or due to unforseen circumstances, I get pushed into my shut down mode for a few days. Don’t feel put off if I don’t respond to an email or other contact, sometimes I can’t cope with the volume of correspondance responsibilites, or, what have you. Don’t percieve me as weak, lazy, etc. I have a medical condition. I didn’t choose this. I miss being a higher functioning person like you would not believe. The only time I get very sad and down in the way people think of depression being is when I wish I was ‘normal’ again, pre-depression days, and could do all the things I used to. I’m not a lazy person by choice. I liked being a busy active person more. I don’t like being on disability, and would love to be able to go back to work full time, or even part time. I got a masters degree in counselling psychology, and loved being a therapist. I can’t do that anymore. There are so many things I loved doing in my life, that are part of my past. Working, making love often and satisfyingly, working out, being busy and active and highly functioning in general.
The reality, I can’t just ‘choose’ to be better. I’ve tried, and tried, and tried. I’ve tried all different medications and cocktails of. I’ve tried lots of therapy and counselling. I’ve tried to will myself back to pre-depression days. Now I just try to function within my limitations, and do what I can, when I can, and enjoy it as best I can. It’s been many years, to work up to the level of well being and stability I have now. I have a good mood most of the time. I’m content. I’m stable. At the onset of my depression, before I was properly medicated, I was in hospital for the majority of almost 2 years, on and off, sometimes for months at a time. The only ambition I had, was to end my life, and end the pain, I am more than happy to have what I have now, and feel blessed. I feel able. I feel well. I know my limitations. I have a disability. It is what it is. |