Just a teusday

Leila Raven Posted in General
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Really looking forward to this month’s Fly, my house party. Elwood is coming in to do a workshop on play piercing and then providing in house body modification services over the nights fun. I have a whack to do before then, party supplies to buy, etc. I went and booked a session, 4 hours on the Friday before, hopefully will energize me and get me going. Having some intense play time can sometimes drain me, but often has the opposite effect and really gets me going. Fae is going to be my little assistant so that will be interesting. Going to do some golden, so I need to prep for that too. I like the subtle details of some of my pro work, even if no one else knows my preperations, they’re happy little rituals to me. Things you can eat and drink so your urine tastes good… fun.

House boy comes tonight… we hope. I think his show rates for scheduled activities is about 30%, lol. I guess that means there’s about a 1 in 3 chance someone will be dusting and tidying my abode tonight. Yes, yes, I know, I’m a softee… I’m giving him till June. The plan is for him to move in here then, and see how it goes. If it doesn’t go, I’ll follow up on my other leads for service subs.

Tommorow we help fae move and then go to the Surrey munch. Lovely Elle has said she has some rattan she’s not using to pass on to me. I’m going to expirement with some different canes in the future I think. Maybe some with hooks, maybe some ‘double’ canes, two canes in one handle… I’m going to plan the use of this bit of rattan better. If it goes well, I may have to go out and buy some more rattan to play with. I have to go research Conrad Hudson’s guidelines for making canes, etc. After all, when it comes to canes, he’s the master. I once had the privilege of seeing one of his caning workshops, as well as recieving a long caning from him that night. Amazing, he showed me some things I’m still trying to get down pat… ah well, practice practice practice.

After the Surrey munch Fae is coming home with us to stay through to the weekend. Will be nice to have her around. I think I’ll make some time to talk to her about the possibility of developing a more formal relationship between the two of us. I’d like that… just need to determine the best form for it to take.

Thursday we were going to have a local kinky couple in for dinner, but had to cancel… too much on the plate, and have a doctors appt that day late in the afternoon. With a session on Friday and a really big party to prep for on Sat. Well.. too much. I had my sex hormones, testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, tested a while ago, and the Dr. should have my results now. I’m hoping they will show I’m a little low on testosterone and that is in part, part of the reason I’m low energy and low sex drive. I think I could use a little more T. We’ll see.

Today is a grey day… soft, gentle rain. I don’t mind it. I like the grey sky, it reminds me of kitten fur, or a soft mohair blanket… something, I don’t know. It’s comforting, not the bright hard sun, just a soft light, soft. I find grey day’s comforting.

I also found out the bylaws for my area won’t allow me to keep a couple of chickens… no poultry. I’d do it anyways, what are the chances my friendly neighbours will turn me in to animal control for harbouring a couple of fugitive hens? especially if we give them fresh eggs… but Wolfe says no go. He’s all about keeping things legal. No chicken rebellion for me.

Over and out.

depression

Leila Raven Posted in General
0
  I have a disability. I have very severe chronic depression. Like a lot of people with disabilities, I prefer to focus on my abilities than my disabilities.

A lot of people have assumptions about mood disorders such as depression. I’d like to talk a little bit about what -my- depression is, and isn’t.

My depression is a bio-chemical disorder that is genetic, it is likely passed on in my family on whatever genes depression is passed along on. Anxiety and depressive disorders seem to run strongly in my family and extended family. It is not something I have control over via ‘willpower’ any more than you can control another biochemical genetic health issue with ‘willpower’ like diabetes. I can no more control the deficiency of serotonin or whatever mix of brain chemicals I’m lacking, than a diabetic can control their insulin levels by simply trying to change my mind about it.

I have to take anti-depressant medications in order to manage my disorder. If I do not my ability to function deteriorates to the point where I am unable to function and require hospitalization. I’m not ashamed of this. I have a medical condition. If I were an extreme diabetic dependent on medication and did not take it, I would likewise deteriorate and require medical intervention.

There are no great one size fits all ‘cures’ for severe depression. The medication I take keeps my mood stable, allows me to maintain a certain level of functioning and well being, but does not bring me back up to a level of functioning that I was before the onset of depression in my life.

I also have to cope with a number of side effects from the medications I have to take.

How does my depression and medications affect me?

Depression is not just a disorder of mood. In depression many brain functions may be ‘depressed’. My mood is fairly well controlled by my medications… this means I maintain a pretty normal level of happiness in my life, ups and downs, etc, are well within the range of what most people experience. My mood is pretty normal on meds. My judgement and reasoning are not affected, I’m not prone to mood swings or irrationality, or anything like that. I’m happy/content the vast majority of the time.

Where my depression causes limitations are:

In my ability to handle multiple stressors/responsibilities – I can’t. I have a hard time coping with certain types of stress or responsibility. I can organize a support group, help friends with trauma and crisis just fine. But schedule too many percieved ‘responsibilities’ in a week, even ones I enjoy, and I ‘overload’ ie. I can have a party, do one session, and have a doctors appt. in a week, and be fine. I can’t have a party, do one session, meet a friend for lunch, have a doctors appt., and a nail appt, and a shopping trip with a friend in one week. I freeze up and can’t function, too many things. It doesn’t matter that the extra things are all things I ‘like’, all the things on the list can be positive stressors. Doesn’t matter, my mind can only handle x amount of percieved responsibilities/commitments a week. Why? who the hell knows… trial and error I’ve discovered the limitations of my disability.
What happens if I do ‘overload’ – I shutdown, ie, I end up in bed for a day or three, sleeping, avoiding the world, hiding, feeling paralized.. it passes, and I come back up to my previous coping point. That’s it, no big meltdowns, drama, etc, I just shut down for a short period of time.. emotionally and physically hibernate.

Memory. My memory is one of the areas of my mind that is very depressed. I remember events just fine, I remember what I’ve done, what’s happened. I don’t remember numbers well. I’ve been in my home 6 months now, I still occasionally forget my street address, and usually my postal code. I have a hard time with names. I may have to be introduced to you several times to match your name to your face. It’s not personal, it’s my depression. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to have to apologize and ask for a reminder of what someones name is. I don’t want to offend people, I don’t want to get into a long explanation about my memory and my depression. People assume things about depressed people, and a lot of those assumptions don’t apply to me.

Depressed energy levels and motivation. It’s very hard for me to ‘get going’. People may wonder why and how I spend hours on alt and the computer laying in the same spot on my couch in front of my laptop barely moving. My energy levels are very affected as is my motivation to initiate being active and doing things. Again, it’s not something I ‘choose’. Pre-depression onset, I was extremely active and busy, always on the go, sitting and doing practically ‘nothing’ for long periods would be unheard of. I cooked, cleaned, organized my living environment, worked full time, went to school full time, volunteered, took kick boxing, taught kick boxing, was always on the go.

Medication side effects, decreased sex drive, decreased ability to achieve orgasm, tendency to overheat, body temp spikes with activity. Feeling hungry much of the time. Craving carbs.

I’ve delt with weight gain, and going from a nympho drive to mostly feeling gratified by my bdsm power and conrol relationships and not so interested in ‘straight’ sex. I’m always trying to improve the activity levels and healthy eating, and work on the sex drive… it’s slow going. s’okay.. I’m patient.

Bad days… I can’t do much. May have to cancel plans and just be a couch slug. Worst days, in the bed in the dark ‘shut down’. Good days, I do a couple of things – lol.

What can you do? Don’t jump to conclusions about my depression, ask if you’re not sure. Don’t take offense if I can’t remember your name. Ask me if theres something you can do for me to reduce my ‘percieved responsibilities’ load. Don’t push me if I say no. Be understanding if I have to cancel something because I’m becoming overwhelmed, or due to unforseen circumstances, I get pushed into my shut down mode for a few days. Don’t feel put off if I don’t respond to an email or other contact, sometimes I can’t cope with the volume of correspondance responsibilites, or, what have you. Don’t percieve me as weak, lazy, etc. I have a medical condition. I didn’t choose this. I miss being a higher functioning person like you would not believe. The only time I get very sad and down in the way people think of depression being is when I wish I was ‘normal’ again, pre-depression days, and could do all the things I used to. I’m not a lazy person by choice. I liked being a busy active person more. I don’t like being on disability, and would love to be able to go back to work full time, or even part time. I got a masters degree in counselling psychology, and loved being a therapist. I can’t do that anymore. There are so many things I loved doing in my life, that are part of my past. Working, making love often and satisfyingly, working out, being busy and active and highly functioning in general.

The reality, I can’t just ‘choose’ to be better. I’ve tried, and tried, and tried. I’ve tried all different medications and cocktails of. I’ve tried lots of therapy and counselling. I’ve tried to will myself back to pre-depression days. Now I just try to function within my limitations, and do what I can, when I can, and enjoy it as best I can. It’s been many years, to work up to the level of well being and stability I have now. I have a good mood most of the time. I’m content. I’m stable. At the onset of my depression, before I was properly medicated, I was in hospital for the majority of almost 2 years, on and off, sometimes for months at a time. The only ambition I had, was to end my life, and end the pain, I am more than happy to have what I have now, and feel blessed. I feel able. I feel well. I know my limitations. I have a disability. It is what it is.

Boys who cry

Leila Raven Posted in General
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A boy asked me last night, if I’d ever wondered ‘what if the boy who cried wolf, was telling the truth?’

My reply, is, Life, like the wolf, doesn’t care if you lie or tell the truth. In both cases, life and the wolf, will both eat you up in the end. Your going to get bitten, and your going to die.

Ultimately, you can’t control how others percieve you. You go through life ‘telling’ others things, lies, or truths. You cannot control whether you are believed or not, you can only hope. Regardless of how others see you, the journey is likely the same, as is the end result.

So Aesops fable, and moral, in my opinion, could use some correction. So why tell the truth when others may still percieve you as ‘false’ ‘wrong’ ‘bad’ ‘immoral’? Because it’s not how the story ends that’s important. It always ends the same. It’s how the story goes that’s important. It’s not what happens in other peoples heads about how they see you that’s important. It’s about your own sense of integrity, truth, well-being, and peace.

The little boy who lied about the Wolf, probably was feeling pretty crappy and fucked up, to need to create that kind of nasty drama and bullshit to get attention, to feel valued, important, needed, accepted. The villagers and family did the wrong thing, by shunning him, the moral of that story, is if you don’t want poor sweet troubled little boys to get horribly eaten by wolves, don’t ignore obvious cries for help. Do you really want a sweet little boy to get eaten alive? no. The community there did a crappy job of supporting a seriously troubled youth. It’s not ‘shame on the boy, he got what he deserved’, it’s shame on the community, where was there compassion and love, that produced such a troubled child, and led to such a traumatic event.

If the little boy told the truth, and was disbelieved, likewise.

Regardless, individuals are formed by communities. Individuals cannot control the actions of others. communities are formed by individuals. You as an individual can only control your own actions.

Don’t be a boy who cries wolf – don’t lie. It gets you no where in the end, you’ll only feel crappier.

Don’t be a boy who tells the truth, is disbelieved, and feels like the world is against him, or that he is worthless, or that everything is hopeless. You cannot force others to think or feel a certain way. Feel proud of your self integrety, let go of the things you cannot change. Realize the important part is self-love and self-support.

Just be a boy.

Be a good villager. If someone tells you something. err on the side of believing them. If time proves them a liar, be cautious, but keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. Understand that their need to lie is motivated by ‘something’ and try to understand what that something is from a place of love and compassion. When in doubt that a wolf is at the door…. err on the side of responsible caution. Better to be fooled once, twice, three times, or more, than get eaten by wolves, or let little troubled children get eaten by wolves.

What about if the liar is an adult. The adult may be an adult, but you better believe the liar in them is likely still a troubled little boy.

That’s enough of on boys and wolves.

April 28 Play Party with Elwood

Leila Raven Posted in General
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April 28: Fly Play Party and Piercing Workshop with Elwood
Elwood is a body modification artist who is a certified advanced body piercer, a certified body brander, scarification artist and flesh hook specialist, not to mention a myriad of other talents, and being a great all around guy! We’ll be starting off the night with the following workshop by Elwood on play piercing, and then for the rest of the evening Elwood will be doing body modifications (piercing, branding, and cutting) for those who’ve arranged in advance with the house to get work done that night.

More Information about Elwood: http://www.ravensretreat.com/2007/02/17/fly/

For Body Piercing you MUST RSVP to rsvp@ravensretreat.com with the subject line “Apr 28 Fly: I want to be poked by Elwood” with the type of piercing you would like done by Elwood at the party.

Body Piercing Price List:

Ear Lobe $30 Both Ear Lobes $50
Ear Rim $50 Tragus $60
Anti-Tragus $60 Daith $60
Conch $60 Rook $60
Orbit $80 Project $80
Dermal Punch $120 Monroe $70
Tongue $75 Oral Frenum $70
Eyebrow $55 Smiley/Frowny $60
Teardrop $55 Madison $60
Earl $75 Nostril $40
Septum $75 Labret $70
Vertical Labret $70 Nape $90
Lip Ring $70 Navel $60
Nipple $65 Both Nipples $110
Third Eye $70

Below The Belt Piercings

Male
Prince Albert $100 Frenum $90
Hafada $90 Scrotum $90
Guiche $120 Ampallang $110
Apadravya $110 Pubic male $80

Female
Pubic Female $80 Inner Labia $75
Outer Labia $75 Horizontal Hood $70
Vertical Hood $70 Fourchette $90

All prices include the cost of basic jewelry. Special request jewelry will adjust the cost of the piercing. Ask the piercer for details. elwood@allaboutelwood.com

Brandings and Cuttings
Please contact Elwood directly at elwood@allaboutelwood.com or 604-836-5013
to inquire about brands and cuttings that you would like to have done while at the party. Unlike piercings, brands & cuttings are custom and vary from piece to piece. Please contact us at rsvp@ravensretreat.com to let us know that you have made arrangements with Elwood to be branded or cut at the party.

Location: Raven’s Retreat in Chilliwack (RSVP to attend and for directions)
Cost: Non-Members – $10 if you only go to the workshop.. $25 for the workshop and party combined. Members $5 workshop only. $15 for workshop and party.
Drinks and Munchies Provided.
Doors Open: 7pm
Workshop Runs:
8pm-9/9:30pm
Play Party Runs:
9/9:30pm-2am
Age: 18+
RSVP: rsvp@ravensretreat.com with the subject line April 28 Fly & Piercing Workshop
Full Event Details:
http://www.ravensretreat.com/2007/02/17/fly/

————————

About Raven’s Retreat:
Raven’s Retreat is a private dungeon space and BDSM bed and breakfast located in Chilliwack, B.C., Canada. We are 90 minutes from Vancouver Canada, and 90 minutes from Bellingham Washington. We have over 1000 square feet of dungeon space split into two large rooms with several play stations. The house and dungeon is run by Mistress Katt and Master Wolfe, active members in the kink community in BC for well over a decade. We maintain high standards in cleanliness and safety, education and awareness. The dungeon space is used for pro-domination services with Mistress Katt and/or Master Wolfe, rent-able by members by the hour/day/weekend for personal and professional use, house play parties, educational workshops and seminars, as well special events and venues. We cater to special interests groups as well as mainstream kinksters, and people with all levels of experience – from newcomers to the scene to community leaders and educators. We strive to be inclusive in our undertakings, and welcome diversity in the scene, engendering an atmosphere of respect, tolerance, education and support.

All events are guest listed. To be put on the guest list for our events, e-mail us at rsvp@ravensretreat.com with the event you would like to attend in the subject line and how many guests you will be bringing in the main body of the e-mail. Once we receive your RSVP we will e-mail you our address and a map of how to get to us.

Yours in Kink,
Mistress Katt and Mister Wolfe
www.ravensretreat.com

Raven’s Retreat April Newsletter

Leila Raven Posted in General
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The Raven’s Retreat April Newsletter is out!

Please Note: Your need to RSVP (e-mail us) to attend. The party location will be sent to you once you RSVP.

April 13: En Femme Friday
En Femme Fridays are a celebration of the woman within. The primal feminine element. These nights are geared towards t-girls and their admirers. Men and women who appreciate the feminine element in themselves and others are welcome. Drinks and Munchies Provided.
Location: Raven’s Retreat in Chilliwack (RSVP to attend and for directions)
Cost: $10 members, $20 non members
Party Runs: 7pm-2am
Age: 18+
RSVP: rsvp@ravensretreat.com with the subject line April 13 En Femme RSVP
Full Event Details:
http://www.ravensretreat.com/2007/02/17/en-femme/

————————

April 28: ABDL/Age Play Munch

What is this munch?! It’s a play group for adult babies and adult baby friendly age players, diaper lovers, mommies, daddies, little girls, and little boys, etc, who would like to get together in a safe friendly environment and socialize. Drinks and Munchies provided.
Location:
Raven’s Retreat in Chilliwack (RSVP to attend and for directions)
Cost: $10
Party Runs: 1pm-5pm
Age: 18+
RSVP: rsvp@ravensretreat.com with the subject line April 28 ABDL Munch RSVP
Full Event Details:
http://www.ravensretreat.com/2007/03/16/abdl-munch/

————————

April 28: Fly Play Party and Piercing Workshop with Elwood
Elwood is a body modification artist who is a certified advanced body piercer, a certified body brander, scarification artist and flesh hook specialist, not to mention a myriad of other talents, and being a great all around guy! We’ll be starting off the night with the following workshop by Elwood on play piercing, and then for the rest of the evening Elwood will be doing body modifications (piercing, branding, and cutting) for those who’ve arranged in advance with the house to get work done that night.

More Information about Elwood: http://www.ravensretreat.com/2007/02/17/fly/

For Body Piercing you MUST RSVP to rsvp@ravensretreat.com with the subject line “Apr 28 Fly: I want to be poked by Elwood” with the type of piercing you would like done by Elwood at the party.

Body Piercing Price List:

Ear Lobe $30 Both Ear Lobes $50
Ear Rim $50 Tragus $60
Anti-Tragus $60 Daith $60
Conch $60 Rook $60
Orbit $80 Project $80
Dermal Punch $120 Monroe $70
Tongue $75 Oral Frenum $70
Eyebrow $55 Smiley/Frowny $60
Teardrop $55 Madison $60
Earl $75 Nostril $40
Septum $75 Labret $70
Vertical Labret $70 Nape $90
Lip Ring $70 Navel $60
Nipple $65 Both Nipples $110
Third Eye $70

Below The Belt Piercings

Male
Prince Albert $100 Frenum $90
Hafada $90 Scrotum $90
Guiche $120 Ampallang $110
Apadravya $110 Pubic male $80

Female
Pubic Female $80 Inner Labia $75
Outer Labia $75 Horizontal Hood $70
Vertical Hood $70 Fourchette $90

All prices include the cost of basic jewelry. Special request jewelry will adjust the cost of the piercing. Ask the piercer for details. elwood@allaboutelwood.com

Brandings and Cuttings
Please contact Elwood directly at elwood@allaboutelwood.com or 604-836-5013
to inquire about brands and cuttings that you would like to have done while at the party. Unlike piercings, brands & cuttings are custom and vary from piece to piece. Please contact us at rsvp@ravensretreat.com to let us know that you have made arrangements with Elwood to be branded or cut at the party.

Location: Raven’s Retreat in Chilliwack (RSVP to attend and for directions)
Cost: Non-Members – $10 if you only go to the workshop.. $25 for the workshop and party combined. Members $5 workshop only. $15 for workshop and party.
Drinks and Munchies Provided.
Doors Open: 7pm
Workshop Runs:
8pm-9/9:30pm
Play Party Runs:
9/9:30pm-2am
Age: 18+
RSVP: rsvp@ravensretreat.com with the subject line April 28 Fly & Piercing Workshop
Full Event Details:
http://www.ravensretreat.com/2007/02/17/fly/

————————

About Raven’s Retreat:
Raven’s Retreat is a private dungeon space and BDSM bed and breakfast located in Chilliwack, B.C., Canada. We are 90 minutes from Vancouver Canada, and 90 minutes from Bellingham Washington. We have over 1000 square feet of dungeon space split into two large rooms with several play stations. The house and dungeon is run by Mistress Katt and Master Wolfe, active members in the kink community in BC for well over a decade. We maintain high standards in cleanliness and safety, education and awareness. The dungeon space is used for pro-domination services with Mistress Katt and/or Master Wolfe, rent-able by members by the hour/day/weekend for personal and professional use, house play parties, educational workshops and seminars, as well special events and venues. We cater to special interests groups as well as mainstream kinksters, and people with all levels of experience – from newcomers to the scene to community leaders and educators. We strive to be inclusive in our undertakings, and welcome diversity in the scene, engendering an atmosphere of respect, tolerance, education and support.

All events are guest listed. To be put on the guest list for our events, e-mail us at rsvp@ravensretreat.com with the event you would like to attend in the subject line and how many guests you will be bringing in the main body of the e-mail. Once we receive your RSVP we will e-mail you our address and a map of how to get to us.

Yours in Kink,
Mistress Katt and Mister Wolfe
www.ravensretreat.com