Thank you to everyone for your warm comments, it’s nice to know people are out there ‘listening’ sometimes.
Well, it’s been a lot of adjusting, moving into a new home, having had this hysterectomy. I was very lucky to end up with as small of an incision as I did, the scar is just over 8 inches, it goes from just under my belly button to the top of my pubic bone. Considering the size of what was taken out of me… well, even the surgeon was impressed she managed that small an incision. Her comment, skin and tissue can really stretch.
Here are some from facts from the photocopy of my pathology report, which I requested to have a copy of because I find these things morbidly fascinating.
My tumerous uterus had in fact had multiple fibroids of multiple types with complex scientific names, one type they just say ‘numerous’ I guess they didn’t think it was worth counting, and the other type they specify 16 of with size ranges from 1 to 8 centimeters in diameter. One of the larger ones was what they call ‘infarcted’ which basically meant it outgrew it’s blood supply and ‘died’ inside of me, which is supposedly what caused the massive amount of pain that sent me to emergency where I got diagnosed.
I in fact had a number of things awry with my reproductive organs.
under diagnosis there are 4 things listed.
- benign secretory type endometrium
- multiple benign leiomyota uteri (x16) with one infarcted leiomyota
- benign cervix with chronic cervicitis
- focal squamous metaplasia
Basically my cervix was damaged and unhappy, likely from the massive fibroids, it’s really common for pregnant women to have, and essentially I was pregnant with fibroids. It also had some cancer like cells blossoming away, which I had some precancerous cells before and had to have surgery to have them removed by biopsy. So, it’s probably a good thing my unhappy cancer prone cervix went bye bye along with my uterus. I was severly lumpy, and the lining of my uterus was lessioned and unhappy… can you blame it?
I basically feel a lot better now this much time post surgery, a month, than I did a month pre-surgery. But I still feel pretty crappy. Having organs removed tends to send you back a bit. I’m exhausted. I was warned I’d be exhausted, and well they did not lie.
The hard part for me is I assoicated having no physical energy with my depression. So it’s hard not to read my own fatigue as being ‘more depressed’ which I don’t think I am really, other than physical energy being depressed from my body putting all it’s energy into knitting my abdominal muscles and tissues back together again.
I’m back to being a lump on the couch again, which reminds me of being depression couch bound, I think all depressives who are struggling to stay positive fear ‘sliding back’ it’s scary, you don’t want to go down into that hole. So you monitor your mood, and your energy, and then you get anxious that your depression ‘might’ be worsening, which, catch-22, has that anxiety transforming itself into… wallah! depression. So I try not to play that game with myself.
Now, if we had money, things would be easier. Isn’t that what everyone believes. LOL. Seriously, if I could scrape the cash up to get a membership to the leisure center. I can’t work out work out… but I’m healed enough (incisions all closed) that I could get aquatic, and leisurely swimming is a huge stress release, relaxation outlet for me. Just starting a new routine, getting out and getting to the pool everyday, a little swim, a little sauna. I can’t wait till I can afford to do that. I could pay day to day now, but I can’t justify it with the way things are going income wise for us right now.
Buying this house, was one of the best things in my life to ever happen, I love this house, don’t get me wrong. But not having the physical ability to work on it, and not having the money to fix so many of the things that need to be fixed… I mean screw cosmetic renos, but stuff like fixing the wiring that’s outdated and having grounded outlets, putting insulation in our very poorly insulated attic, getting the perimeter drains working, that kind of thing, would just be… so nice.
Well, over all, things are… stable. I’m quiet, I’m recovering, I’m spending a lot of my time on my couch, watching television and playing spider solitaire, all day long…. too familiar from depression days. Not at all like happy travelling across Canada days, I don’t want to get back in this pattern. I keep telling myself, I’m not, I’m just recovering from surgery.
We did meet a really nice local couple who are not only kinky and open minded and people we can be ourselves with and not have to keep our lifestyle and interests secret, but! perhaps even more importantly, like to play cards.
When I can get my butt off my couch, I’m hoping to have them over soon. Surely I’m up to dinner and cards?
Oh, and as an aside, if anyone out there has the skills to build me an adult size crib… can you please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org ? I really need someone with confident wood working/carpentry experience to build me a crib, it doesn’t need to be anything fancy, I’m looking for practical. It seems like a frivolous expense, but it isn’t, it’s our biggest potential source of future income, and so takes priority. I have example photos, dimensions, and money saved aside for the project. So let me know, localish in BC would be good, but if not, I don’t mind having it shipped from wherever.
I’m off to flip channels and drink tea.
Live in love