Out of touch… checking in

Leila Raven Posted in General

Well, it’s been eons since writing, I’m hoping once things settle down again, I’ll get in the habit. We’ve been living in a tiny 22.5 long RV/camper for the last several months. Though we’ve been back in BC for a while now. House hunting, working doing a retail website for my sister’s business. And just trying to adjust. My weight loss surgery – the lap-band – went well, and after a minor set back with a small post-surgical infection I’m finally all healed, I’ve been losing weight slowly and steadily. Up until a couple of weeks ago I’ve just been feeling better and better physically. Then I started to feel some gastric discomfort, then one night massaging my lower abdomen, thinking my problems were mostly digestive… I found a hard area, a large lump. A very large lump. Panicking I went to emergency. A few days of tests later, their best guess is I have uterine fibroids. CT scan shows I have three of them – the size of large grapefruits. Two identical size at 5 inches, the third a little larger at about 5.5. I have a fruitbowl of fibroids in my womb – joy. So, surgical waiting lists being that they are, I was lucky to get a consultation with a gynecological surgeon for Oct 4th. How long after that till I get to actually have surgery, I don’t know. The whole uterus will have to come out – hysterectomy time for me. They are too large and too embedded for any other choice. My ovaries seem to be clear of the whole mess though, so happily I will get to keep them. It’s freakin scary. They are growing rapidly, and I have pain. I have loads of pressure now on my bladder and bowel, meaning I have to pee all the time, meaning I have pain all the time, and trying to have a BM, or even fart, is challenging, because of the pressure/pinch on my guts. I have wicked gas pain on top of uterine cramps and general aches in the region. I have to liquify everything with laxatives to keep things moving, and I’m generally physically miserable. Emotionally… I’m disconnected and dissassociated and that’s how I’m coping. If I think too much about it, I cry. Because of the size and location they told me they will likely have to make a large vertical incision. I may have to recieve a blood transfusion during surgery as well, depends, I actually tend to be a bit of a bleeder so it may be more likely for me. If I sit up or walk around much, my pain is worse, so I’m living primarily laying on my left side. I’ve gone from feeling so positive and hopefull from my weight loss, my increased activity and general well being, to feeling really crappy again. As the rest of my body is shrinking it just makes my rapidly growing bulging belly seem more and more pronounced to me. Reaching down to palpitate my lower abdomen/pubic area, I can feel this hard mass that reaches almost hip bone to hip bone inside of me. The edges as hard feeling as the bones themselves, except when I push on one side of the mass I can feel the whole thing shift inside of me, pushing on the other side of my body. It’s hard to explain the sensation, if you’ve never had anything like it before. I feel invaded, betrayed by my body, slightly horrified, and afraid. How big will it grow before I can have it taken out? How much will my pain increase? What happens if I can’t have a bowel movement? Could I become urinary incontinent before it comes out? It seems every day my body functions become more and more challenging. What if the fibroids have turned cancerous? rare, but happens. What if I’ve been misdiagnosed and it’s not fibroids but some other less benign tumor formation? Could it press on internal arteries or major veins or nerves and cause some more dangerous damage? I try not to think about it very often, but that’s what journals are for, and that’s why I’m here writing now. I need my safe place to sit and focus on my fears on my emotions, and put them -out- instead of stuffing them down over and over again.

That’s it, I’ve let out a little, but I can’t do more, if I do… well I’m scared of breaking down emotionally, I’m scared of the depressive crash being added into this mix. I’m in survival mode, and for me right now, that’s distract myself, try not to think about, try to just get by, another day, another day, and hope I get an early surgery date. I haven’t gone away, and I’ll be back, but even though this is a safe place for me to put thoughts, to work out feelings. Right now, I can’t afford to think too much, or feel too much about this. I’m here, I’ll be back here again.

Positives – we’re buying a beautiful 1950’s home in Chilliwack BC, it will have an awesome little adult baby nursery, and a friggin huge dungeon with two parts to it including dungeon bedroom, as well as another guest room.

2006 has been full of changes and challenges, I should be proud of myself, and happy that there have been no trips to the psychiatric unit this year, despite everything, I’m stable, I’m functioning, and I’m full of hope for the future.