Stupid Depression
So I’ve been basically housebound for the last couple of weeks, and pretty miserable. I’ve avoided writing about it, and mindlessly posting *fluff* instead. Sometimes fluff is all you can do.
I have loads of photos I really need to edit, but just can’t seem to do. Feeling pretty impotent really. Trapped and terrified. Numbing myself out with food and television. I lay on the couch all day, every day, no exageration. I get winded now climbing the ladder to the loft every night, or taking a shower. I don’t wash often enough, I wait till I feel more than just gross. I’m dangerously out of shape. I’m ill, I get physical effects with my depression, I’m achey and exhausted all the time. I either can’t fall asleep or can’t get out of bed. I pick my nose as a nervous habit and have had serious bleeds the last two nights. I feel self loathing at my disability, my rampant apathy and despair. I hide in trivial places, creating collages from hours of surfing nothing, reading in tribe and livejournal, and watching tv from the moment I wake till the moment I sleep. I lie to the world with makeup, stylish clothes, turns of contrived phrases both literary and artistic, I show them light and strength, when really all there is below the surface is rot, and a desperate clinging to life. Without Wolfe I would be in a group home, I am completely incapable of looking after myself, and have been for years now. This is my real reality, this is my dark truth, all the rest of it is lace on a corpse. I can’t go into the truth often, because I can’t connect with my feelings really, the medication that keeps me sane enough to not kill myself also keeps me numb… so just expect mostly lacy fluff.
For Vancouverites, donate online to the food bank there are hungry in our city, many of them, and many of them children. It doesn’t have to be a big donation, even a few dollars makes a difference. Get out your credit card. If you live elsewhere take a minute to google your local food bank, or any other charitble organization you believe in, it’s the season of giving.
XO
L
December 6th, 2005 at 10:25 pm
Mommy,
The one thought that came through to me as i read Your latest installment is the possibility that regression therapy might be helpful. “Being in the Time Before Fear” As You know, being a babydoll slaveTgurl helps me keep sane.
Your new meds will kick into gear soon and You will be more able to be more fully alive. Existing during the transition from the old meds to the new is a big job and that is probably taking a lot of energy from You. In Your next entry here, i ask that You list a few ( 3 to 5 ) promises to Yourself that You will keep when the meds transition provides You the opportunity. Promise demon depression that You will fulfill those promises, one at a time.
Please keep up with Your journal here.
If You feel up for it, lets munch tomorrow nite. The three of us - Wolfe, You, and ababy makes three.
A vision of my love pouring out to and into You, like a black hole, You might say, but a new universe is being born at the other end of that transit. My love is helping it grow through You.
Be With Me in my SpiritShip, in the Time Before Fear
Your loving tgurl child.
jOniSpiritKatt
XXXXOOOOOXXXXXXXX
December 6th, 2005 at 11:25 pm
What follows is an extract from an article that appears at:
http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/index.htm
“Therapy and Treatment of True Infantilism
There is no known cure for true infantilism. Its patterns and deliveries to satisfy infantile longings are set firmly into place. It appears to become problematic when situations place an emphasis for disclosure…i.e. getting engaged or getting married. The infantilized individual grapples for a decision because fears of ashamedness, rejection, abandonment and exploitation are commonly associated with past developmental struggles in childhood. It brings to surface a terrifying risk that the new partner or family member will misunderstand and take the position it is a bizarre perverted derangement and action to crush the behavior is paramount.
As stated, there is no known cure and treatment toward self-acceptance and individuality may ameliorate destructive wishes and behavior. Acceptance may resolve self-hatred and command the unrelenting forces of the cultural inner critic to subside. Since the personality is fused with the nurturing transitional object, in would not be therapeutic to destroy, purge, annihilate or defeat the mechanism that has provided some emotional stability for the individual. It would equate to most as wiping out the inner child.
One treatment modality may be applicable. A healthy balance is to be encouraged to help an individual from completely giving in to regressive behaviors. Introduce exercises to limit the fantasies to diminish pervasive regressive behavior since engulfment may create a larger abyss that is not grounded in reality.
Conclusion
I don’t see how a therapist can help with regression, at least from my experience…..UNLESS, the therapist is there to help with self-acceptance and validation. Once one can accept self, then the forces are not so relentless……it brings a feeling of…..I am okay….I am a unique individual and it is okay to be me. If you can accept that, then life becomes more rewarding, and that inner child becomes loved. Each needs their own time. One should not starve the other, or put guilt on the other…..you are what you are.
Written by Kathi Stringer and may be reproduced for personal use with credits attached.
Ref
1. Letter from Bruno Bettelheim 1978
2. The Transitional Space / Peter Giovacchini (p.28,80,81)
3. Prisoners of Childhood / Alice Miller (p.23,24,54)
4. Separation-Individuation / Margaret Mahler (p.108,157,171)
5. The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant / Mahler, Pine, Bergman (p.77,82,84,155)
6. Object Relations Individual Therapy / Scharff & Scharff (p.58)
7. The Facilitating Partnership / Applegate & Bonovitz (p.159)
8. The Language of Winnicott / Jan Abram (p.251)
Kathi’s Mental Health Review
Copyright © Kathi Stringer & Respective Authors.”
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i am not advocating regression therapy or infantilism as a lifestyle. My intent is simply to point out the very pragmatic way that Kathi Stringer and Her associates have come to view this chapter in the human story. One might generalize from this - in the sense of if the shoe fits…
jOni
December 6th, 2005 at 11:31 pm
Thanx for the thought sweetie, but regression isn’t a positive direction for most depressives to go in.
XO
December 10th, 2005 at 8:28 pm
Hey look Katt,
Sometimes, being bummed out is just a temporary state.
Have you tried talking it out to someone…
like — yourself?
[OMG, she says, he wants me to talk to myself]
Well, here’s a thought…hear me out here.
First off, you’ve GOT to have a good imagination, and a sense of adventure.
Next, go get yourself a stuffed animal. A teddy bear maybe. Maybe not one you already have, or really care about. This one may be going through some changes.
Once you have your new friend, hang out with [him/her/it] for awhile and talk to it. You may be surprised at some of the stuff you find yourself talking about that’s on your mind that you MIGHT not ant to discuss with Wolfie. Unlike a therapist, you can beat up on your new confidant if you wish…in fact, I totally reccomend it! Feeling a little pissed off? Stomp on him…trample him underfoot. Feeling happy? Elated? Dance on him!
It’s a little like the therapy where you get to beat up on a pillow. Can’t hurt the pillow, right? Well, kinda the same thing. Only since the object of your affection/agression takes on a more human-like form, and it might be easier to talk to.
It’s nutty. Try it.
December 13th, 2005 at 10:47 am
I can relate to many of the feelings you’re talking about, (as a chronic “moderate”, unmedicated depression sufferer). Feeling like I’ve got nothing to give to those who love me, feeling like a burden are the two feelings I have a particularly hard time dealing with these days. And I recognize the perception of rotting and wanting to numb out on t.v./internet as well. I’m not feeling (or doing) those things now but I have before and if I feel very poorly in the future, I most likely will again.
I’ve been lucky lately because I’ve been doing some part-time work out of the house with some people who like to laugh and sometimes make me laugh as well. Being around friendly people besides my dog, myself, and my partner has been uplifting for me.
There’s really no particular reason I’m sharing these thoughts with you other than to express solidarity and understanding for feeling shitty for large chunks of time. I can relate to some of what you have shared and I just wanted to let you know that. Thanks for sharing some of yourself that is not so easy to let other people see.
December 15th, 2005 at 8:13 pm
Thanks
XO
L (Katt’s my pseudonym)