I was in a bit of a fog pre-holiday, but felt great over the holidays themselves, but still feel like I’m kind of catching up to speed from my pre-holiday downer. I treated myself to cornrows in my hair over the new year, but because my hair is till so short they got messy fast, I only had them for about 3 weeks then had to take them out. It’s hard to get used to having hair all over my head. Most of the time I’ve shaved all or part of it over the last 10 years. I often feel when I look at my reflection that it’s hair that just isn’t representitive of how I feel about myself. Dying it a soft black has helped ease that, I can at least dye it! I think it’s also that my hair is so curly, and has so much a mind of it’s own that It’s impossible to give it a shape at this length, unless that shape is squashed on one or more sides from bedhead! Once it hits chin length, that will change, but right now… I only have about an inch and a half to two inches, and it’s just a short black curly mop.

I’ve decided that I have to get really pro-active about my weight. Getting out and excersising is really really difficult for me, as is working out at home, It’s that depressive apathy that keeps me moving back and forth from the bed, the couch, and the computer. However, changing food intake, if it’s really structured, is something I can find do-able. As long as it’s very simple, and very structured. So I decided to go with Jenny Craig, since they provide the food and meal plan to follow. I wont’ go in for the counselling and weigh in, just need the food and plan, so Wolfe is picking it up for me week to week.
I’m just ending my first week now and have lost five pounds. From 255 to 250. I know from experience that I’ll drop the first 10 pounds quite rapidly and then level off to a slower burn.

Slower, but consistent, if I just stick with it. My appetite fluctuates with my depression. I think after I’ve lost some weight, it will be easier for me to start to be more active. Right now, the combination of high weight, and inactivity, have meant that my muscular support for the weight on my joints is poor. Which means I don’t just get overheated (also a side effect of my meds, quick and easily over-heated) and exhausted (another elevated side effect) faster than usual because of inactivity, but I also get pain in a lot of my joints. I’m going to go from just diet changes to diet changes combined with weight training and weight bearing excersizes before I attempt any cardio beyond short walks so that I have a lower weight load and stronger muscles so that I don’t over stress my joints.

It’s hard waiting to find out whether the psychologist that is evaluating me now is going to take me on. I have the last assesment appointment next monday, and will find out then. Which is good because I’m going to see the local mental health team’s psychiatrist who is temporarily seeing me the very next day, and can let him know what is going on as well. I go to see a worker tommorow while he’s away, and have to pick up medications from the pharmacy and have to go have more blood work done.

Getting out of the condo is difficult, getting out to go to a psych appt. is even more stressful and difficult, going to multiple locations, tenser, and having my blood taken, not even close to fun. The problem with the blood thing isn’t the pain or the needles, which are minimal little things, but because I have crappy veins. I inherited the problem from my mother, it’s always a challenge for them to find a good vein on me. I have one on my left arm that usually works, but I figure every time they take blood it’s going to be worn out, they used to be able to get blood from it with a regular needle, now they have to go with the buttlerfly… soon, who knows. I’ve had them blow out a veing before. I guess what I worry about is if they run out of inner arm veins, they’re going to go in on the back of my hand or someother much more highly painful and unpleasant places to take blood from. I’ve had some traumatic IV experiences that have deepened my unhappy attitudes towards needles going into the back of my hands.

I’m glad the snow is gone here. We’re supposed to have a few days of heavy rain. There is flooding in a number of places, but still, I love the rain. I love the shine it puts on everything, I love the soft grey blanket it makes of the sky, I love the smell, the sound, the sign that yes, we may be in the city, but we still live in Pacific Northwest rain forest domain.

I was hoping to do some fetish photography in the snow while we had it, but never got around to it. We do have a new toy, a video cam now, and I’m excited about that, it means we can start adding video to our sites.

Otherwise, life has been pretty much as usual, I did get out to the Taboo sex convention, and to the Rascals play party this last weekend, which was nice. I played with tanuki at the BIO booth being filmed for a local news type program. I love to be on either side of a camera, so if the opportunity comes up, I usually take it. Poor girl though, she kept coming close to orgasming from me spanking, or caning, or paddling her, but the camera man would keep stopping us to ask us to do something different, use another toy, or change angles. He and no one else, could tell that she was coming close to the edge, so they had no idea that the timing kept interupting her build to release. I like to tease anyways, and because her and I were the only ones aware of what was going on with her, it was rather amusing. She did get there in the end, I wouldn’t be so mean as to stop completely, and leave her hanging for the day. Besides that girl only needs a couple of dozen hard smacks to get her orgasming. Multiple orgasmic pain slut… I’m jealous! But happy I get to play with her.

XO
Leila