My first abusive teacher was in fourth grade. One of the first days of school she leaned down, close to my ear, and said, in a soft but threatening voice, "You only got good grades last year because you were teacher’s pet. That will not happen again!" She kept her promise. My grades dropped dramatically. My father assumed that I had just gotten lazy, and did what he always did when one of his children, of which I was the first, was "bad", he shamed and humiliated me verbally, and then took off his belt and whipped me with it. The grades never came back up, at least not consistently, not even in graduate school. Any hint of a lack of respect on the part of a teacher has, ever since, triggered a self-defeating, resentful, rebelliousness in me.

At fifty-four years old, I have now been through two major depressions, and long periods of not-so-intense chronic depression. The last major event peaked out last August, with a day in which the only thing that saved me from blowing my brains out was my reluctance to leave the grief of my self-inflicted death to those who love me.

I have been in some counselling or therapeutic relationship almost constantly since 1979, and have been on antidepressants for the last twelve years. It helps, but does not cure.

Since the awful day I mentioned above, I have been attending meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics (and other dysfunctional families), Overeaters Anonymous, Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, and Codependents Anonymous. To know, from face to face, intimate contact, that I am not alone in my condition, also helps.

I’ll be keeping a good thought for you.

Yes, i love all of You, even the demon depression, because it is currently a part of You.

***

Lenny, that doll! She bought material and a pattern from which she will create a beautiful little girl’s dress for me. She is also altering a little older girl’s outfit - pink polka dots! Yummm!

I dropped by yesterday afternoon, and You were out. I knocked on Your door and not even one little bark came back. Hope You had an enjoyable outing.

Off to Gabriola until Monday nite - have a great weekend.

Love and Care and Prayer,

jOni pussy Katt

Amazing that we cannot see ourselves as others really see us. You have grown through Your life to become a trully beautiful woman. You have always been intelligent, creative, compassionate, caring and that inner beauty is what those who love You see all the time. We are not jealous of Your having these precious gifts - we do not want to take them away from You.

Think of me and see Your beauty reflected through me - i am in so many ways what You have created.

Think of Wolfe and see Your beauty through His eyes.

Think of all those others who trully love You. See Yourself through them.

We know You, because we love You. We love all that You are. Your depression cannot negate what comes from others, cannot negate the beauty we see and the love that reflects that back to You.

Your precious gifts are there always and willing to express Your beauty in works of art, gifts of love and friendship. Please know that these gifts are given to You that You may share them with all of us.

The "baggage" we carry is not something we must carry - suffering is optional.

Please come out and shop on Tuesday afternoon. Lenny is doing a "fitting" for me, for a little girls dress that she wore as a child - this at 10 am. And i am meeting over lunch with a political friend until about 1 pm. Please expect to see me at your door no later than 2 pm.

You are much stronger than You feel - we share ourselves with You, and want You to share Yourself with us. Love and Be Loved.

jOni