ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thanks for the help! no seriously, I know I should, I’ve been trying to switch to watered down cranberry juice. Which I actually love quite a bit. Old habits are hard to change. There are so many things I know I should be doing to help with changing my own chemistry to help with the depression, good food, cut out processed foods, sugar, flour, aspartame, probably gluten in general as there seems to be an intolerance for it that runs in the family. On the other hand, these are all things I’m highly addicted to as well. It seems that you crave the things that fuel the depression, and find things contrary to it, very difficult to undertake, I know sleeping in a cave made of pillows and blankets on the bed well into the afternoon with breaks for diet cola and cereal are not really the daily choices I should be making.

On the other hand, getting washed, dressed, and eating healthy, and maybe even going out my front door, seem pretty insurmountable. I eat and drink what Wolfe puts in front of me, and sometimes whine and wail for craved unhealthy things. If he doesn’t feed me, I usually forget to eat, and get dehydrated to boot. Then I get into the land of weird wonky low sugar and dehydrated sleepy dream land, and don’t leave the bed at all.

Nice to know I have some regular readers out there, sometimes I wonder who’s reading! Bit don’t write me, I’m barely talking/writing to myself, hardly talking to Wolfe, and making occasional noises at people who Wolfe lets in through the front door if I’m not hiding. My email has been not only going unreplied for the most part, but unread as well.

Also I haven’t made porn in eons… that’s how I know I’m -really- sick. Seriously, I love taking photos. One of our models had popped into tonight, and we talked about setting up a headshave shoot, and some foot fetish pics. Light, fun, no major nudity, just something to do that needs to be done, that I would probably enjoy.

I need to do some BBW pics too, and that involves more effort, I don’t like to ‘pose’ for pics without there being feeling, If I’m going to take pics of me that are supposed to look sexy, I want to feel sexy, and that hasn’t been happening much as of late. Off and on, but mostly on. Taking photos though is another story, it’s much more of a creative process for me than an erotic one. So if there are any big beautiful Vancouver girls out there who want to be porn stars…. I’m always looking for more! There are NO bad bodies. Except maybe for sorely neglected ones like mine, it’s not a matter of size for me per se, it’s the inactivity, I’m sore all over from spending all my time laying on these lazy bones. I’m starting to get achey from it, parts of me are screaming… ‘go for a walk damn you!’ and most of me is going… ‘hide!’

ah well, such is life, I know this too, shall eventually pass.

In the meantime, It’s 1AM here, which is my ‘prime time’ I’ll be going to sleep around 5AMish, so I’m going to go find some dull late time TV, maybe read some of the piers anthony Xanth fantasy easy to swallow literarly mush that I’ve been mulling through again recently, maybe just have a little cup of the no caffiene, no sugar, highly aspartamed cola in my fridge (I can’t throw it out! – it’s holy water!)

XO
Leila