Been in my hiding hermit space lately, and also spent some days away visiting family as well over halloween. Struggling with the cursed black dog of depression still, it’s fangs firmly embedded in my neck. Still glad to be alive and well, if not kicking, napping. . I’m also concerned I may be coming down with another bug, nationalism. I’ve tried to be a happy social humanitarian anarchist most of my life, and not define myself by the borders of my country. But I can honestly say, I feel very happy to be North of the U.S. border in good old Canada.

Not that I haven’t always felt blessed to live in a country that wasn’t third world, faced with war, starvation, or the ravages of disease. I’ve always when things have been bad, counted my blessings that I was born in a part of the world that where our poorest person has wealth beyond millions born elsewhere, and been aware I could have had it that much worse.

The thought that Bush is in for a second term is … horrifying to me, scarier is how much support from U.S. citizens he has. Watching international news, I know I’m not alone, the world is a little, well, concerned. You’re looking at one Canadian, that has not been comfortable visiting the U.S. since the war began, and well, I don’t intend to return for a visit for at least another 4 years. I have to honestly say, that I find myself more than ever checking the things I buy for made in Canada labels. I always have, but it’s becoming more important to me to support local enterprise.

I have a brother with his family who live in San Francisco, and most of my family is going to Christmas with him. Not Wolfe and I. we’ve decided to stay put.

It’s not about fear of terrorism, it’s about the little things that have always been a little uncomfortable getting more so… we see things when we go south that we don’t see here. Sure there is racism here, there is racism everywhere, but it’s much more overt in the states. The states is just more conservative, right, militant. As a laid back Canadian, It makes me more than a little nervous. I’m proud of our new found gay marriages, increased decriminalization of marijuana use, and what I see as a continued moving in a more diversity friendly environment. I was happy to see our local Children’s hospital recieve a 6 million dollar donation from a gentleman who had immigrated from Iran 18 years ago. The kickboxing club Wolfe is training in his black belt with is run by an Iranian. I’ve never felt threatened from a person based on their appearance, their gender or gender identity, their skin colour, or ancestry. I do feel threatened by those who to seem to feel threatened by others based solely or primarly on those aspects. It seems that the states is doing that on a global sense, creating fear, to fuel economic gains for wealthy individuals.

Ah well, I don’t want to get into it too much. I’ve heard Micheal Moore had said if Bush won, he’d become a Canadian, I think we’d be happy to have him, but maybe he could do more good continuting to try to educate and enlighten as a US citizen, as classically they don’t seem to accept criticism coming from non-U.S. sources. Which is why I’m preparing myself for potential lash back of emails and comments from this post. Also why I’m not saying a lot more than I could say.

For all those Americans hoping for a Bush free future, I extend my deepest condolences.

Hey, just my opinion. Certainly not as intelligent and eloquent as many, but mine none the less. I have an excuse, my brain power is supremely dampened by my mood disorder. It’s like being used to being a sprinter, and then finding yourself trying to run through 5 feet of soft snow. Everything I do is geared way down, and thinking is on the top of that list.

It’s one of the reasons that I write less and less, when I’m in a downslump, it becomes hard to articulate much. I also become very self critical of what I say, and how I say it.

I have an appointment to talk to a psychatrist tommorow, and I can’t say I’m thrilled, it always fills me with anxiety, and just leaving the house fills me with stress right now, it’s hard to get out and do something I like, never mind go see someone for the zillionth time about something that seems to be going nowhere fast.

I saw a program the other night on electro shock therapy, and magnetic therapy for depression, and the fellow who it centered around had a very medication resistant depression, similar to my own, and like me, was on long term disabilty. He was much older though, and had been suffering with severe depression for many more years than I. It was heart wrenchingly painful to sit and listen to him and his wife say that they realized many years ago, that he many never improve beyond the point he was at, which was limited activities, limited joy, limited, limited, limited. I often wonder whether this is just my lot in life, and the depression won’t improve past the point it is now. I’m not suicidal any more, and I am capable of doing some things, and for that I’m thankful, it’s not the nightmare it first was when I first broke down. Yet, I have still so many limits on my activites and mood than before depression, and that as opposed to the person I was before, who filled so many hours of the day, full of joy, working hard, being productive, that now so much is wasted away in sleeping so many extra hours, watching tv, and escaping in computer games and other methods to distract me from feeling down, tense, agitated, miserable…

Hate to leave on such a happy note…

ah well.

It is what it is.

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