Definitely on a downslide, I slept about 20-23 hours, lots of dreaming, not really nightmares, but definitely dreams with stress in them, agitation dreams. Feeling really isolational, don’t want to leave the house, don’t really want to leave the bed. Not getting much enjoyment out of anything. Angry and sad and feeling desperate about what depression does to me, and my inability to affect it, the apathy, the sense of despair and helplessness. Sleep being the great escape, if I’m sleeping I don’t feel the self pressure to be feeling different from how I’m feeling, or doing different from what I’m doing which is nothing, hiding. Crappy time to be without a psychiatrist. Wolfe is going to try to get me referred to the hospital outpatient psych ward to see someone sooner. I’m not suicidal at all, so going inpatient wouldn’t be an option. I did get my levels of epival, one of the mood stabilizers I’m on, tested the other week, and the results are in, but ironically enough, I’ve been to agoraphobic to go get the results from the doctors, only blocks away, and they won’t give them to us over the phone, or to Wolfe. Our old family doctor, that was no problem, this is a new family Dr. for us, and like most, this office plays by the rules. I’m hoping it’s that my drug levels are too low, and it’s as simple as needing to take more meds, that would be the best outcome, a biological explanation that’s quick an easy. If not, then I may need to just some of the other meds I’m on, and that becomes a guessing game, and, it may just be where I am right now. Which is miserable enough that I just want to sleep through it. Like physical pain, sometime emotional pain is too great to sleep through, but I do have meds that help with agitation and sleep, and once I get myself to sleep, I find that even after the drugs wear off, I can keep myself in a state of sleepiness great enough to keep going and going.

The weird thing is the dream time that passes, I may have slept for about 20+ hours, but in my dreams, I’ve had about a weeks worth of ‘living’, and I have really vivid dreaming. So when I wake up everything has become super surreal, moving from the one world back into the other. At least trying to decide if I want to go back to the dream land, or stay in the waking one. I don’t have much control over my feelings in either place mind you. I’m suprememly dehydrated now though, I did get up for a couple of pee and grab a snack breaks, two I think, but didn’t drink anything either time, that with all the sleep gives me a kind of weird floaty high.

My sister has been calling me and leaving messages, and like everyone else that is in my life that doesn’t come and go regularly into my home, ie, Wolfe and Tanuki, I’ve been mostly ignoring them, simply because in my weird depression space, any responsibility seems huge, and returning phonecalls or emails becomes a big scary task. Of course it feeds back into itself as the calls and mails pile up provoking more and more anxiety.

The relationship with Tanuki has definitely moved more towards a poly triad than me sharing Wolfe’s girl on occasion. That’s nice. We’re going for dinner next saturday to celebrate 6 months. She fits for the most part nicely in the middle of the king size bed. (almost made a typo and wrote kink size bed, which also would be appropriate). It’s hard to know how I -feel- about her, because my -feelings- are such a muddled up confused mess in general right now, which means I spend a lot of time distancing myself from them, and being safely numb. So though I care about her deeply, and enjoy her presence, and adore being intimate physically with her, and caring for her, cuddling her, etc. I’m also detached, because I’m detached from everything. I think right now I just simply lack the ability to ‘fall in love’, so I love her, but I don’t have that smashing of crazy up emotions that most people call falling in love, or being in love, etc. I care about her deeply, want her in my life, enjoy her around, want her around more, love to make love to her, cuddle her, play with her, etc, but it’s my own heart I can’t find right now, like the rest of my feelings it’s been tucked away safe out of sight.

So I’ve woken up now, went to bed about midnight last night, and well, it’s 11pm now, and I’ve been up for about half an hour, if that. ( I write fast, and I never edit, with the exception of kink to king today

Oh, and bella our little puppy has a cough, which is spooky, I’m pretty sure it’s kennel cough, but with puggy dogs, it can wreak havoc since they’re breathing is a little wheezy to begin with. We’re going to bring her in, rather Wolfe is, to the vet tommorow, to make sure it’s not developing into pnemonia. She was given vaccine to prevent kennel cough, but some pups get it anyways, and it seems she has. We’ll have an answer soon enough.

XO
Leila

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 5th, 2004 at 11:08 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.