Was hospitalized again for my depression, for a few days, I’m back home now, but am still feeling REALLY hermit like, so I haven’t been answering calls or emails, sorry lovie ones. My mother hasn’t heard back from me, my daughter jOni hasn’t, I’m in that quiet recovery space. The reason I’m writing really is to let people know I’m here, I’m alive, I’m just not up to much right now, as my brain and body and emotions are pretty slowed down by the depression…

The other reason I’m writing is to ask you to take a moment to fill out a quick survey of the mighty little Tanuki girl who hovers around this place with her butt in the air waiting for spanks, and does delightful animal impressions, my favorite of which is the now infamous puffer fish. I think I might have to do a streaming video interview of her doing impressions when I’m feeling better.

Here’s the link, do me a favor, and take a moment for her.

Tanuki’s survey

XO
Leila

I’ve been thinking about spirtuality and personal growth. About the feeling of being connected to the universe, to the infinite ALL, the sense of awe of the numinous, and how that translates with being at my lowest lows. There are ways to connect to that sense of the interconnectedness of things, when you are in those dark places, but how does one get there when you’re hardly connected with yourself. The only way for it is for me to go into my emotional pain, and embrace the dark, and completeness of it, which is very hard to do, the depression coming out of the fear of all of me that hides down there in the dark. A lot of people think about getting that spiritual sense of awe and connectedness with the highest points, the blazing of the light, orgasms that send you to the stars and inside and outside of you and your partner(s), seeing the beauty of sunlight sparkling on water, the deep calm of meditation, feeling centered, feeling balanced. The truth is, we are still connected, still part of the movements of time, space, infinity, when we are at the lowest lows…
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Definitely on a downslide, I slept about 20-23 hours, lots of dreaming, not really nightmares, but definitely dreams with stress in them, agitation dreams. Feeling really isolational, don’t want to leave the house, don’t really want to leave the bed. Not getting much enjoyment out of anything. Angry and sad and feeling desperate about what depression does to me, and my inability to affect it, the apathy, the sense of despair and helplessness. Sleep being the great escape, if I’m sleeping I don’t feel the self pressure to be feeling different from how I’m feeling, or doing different from what I’m doing which is nothing, hiding. Crappy time to be without a psychiatrist. Wolfe is going to try to get me referred to the hospital outpatient psych ward to see someone sooner. I’m not suicidal at all, so going inpatient wouldn’t be an option. I did get my levels of epival, one of the mood stabilizers I’m on, tested the other week, and the results are in, but ironically enough, I’ve been to agoraphobic to go get the results from the doctors, only blocks away, and they won’t give them to us over the phone, or to Wolfe. Our old family doctor, that was no problem, this is a new family Dr. for us, and like most, this office plays by the rules. I’m hoping it’s that my drug levels are too low, and it’s as simple as needing to take more meds, that would be the best outcome, a biological explanation that’s quick an easy. If not, then I may need to just some of the other meds I’m on, and that becomes a guessing game, and, it may just be where I am right now. Which is miserable enough that I just want to sleep through it. Like physical pain, sometime emotional pain is too great to sleep through, but I do have meds that help with agitation and sleep, and once I get myself to sleep, I find that even after the drugs wear off, I can keep myself in a state of sleepiness great enough to keep going and going.

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The last few days have been a blur, not sure why, happens sometimes, partly my cold I suppose. I know I did get to go for lunch and shopping with jOni darling on thursday. Today is wednesday. I’ve been having fun being poly people with Wolfe and Tanuki, oh, and we did all go shopping together thursday night too.
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