Definitely on a downslide, I slept about 20-23 hours, lots of dreaming, not really nightmares, but definitely dreams with stress in them, agitation dreams. Feeling really isolational, don’t want to leave the house, don’t really want to leave the bed. Not getting much enjoyment out of anything. Angry and sad and feeling desperate about what depression does to me, and my inability to affect it, the apathy, the sense of despair and helplessness. Sleep being the great escape, if I’m sleeping I don’t feel the self pressure to be feeling different from how I’m feeling, or doing different from what I’m doing which is nothing, hiding. Crappy time to be without a psychiatrist. Wolfe is going to try to get me referred to the hospital outpatient psych ward to see someone sooner. I’m not suicidal at all, so going inpatient wouldn’t be an option. I did get my levels of epival, one of the mood stabilizers I’m on, tested the other week, and the results are in, but ironically enough, I’ve been to agoraphobic to go get the results from the doctors, only blocks away, and they won’t give them to us over the phone, or to Wolfe. Our old family doctor, that was no problem, this is a new family Dr. for us, and like most, this office plays by the rules. I’m hoping it’s that my drug levels are too low, and it’s as simple as needing to take more meds, that would be the best outcome, a biological explanation that’s quick an easy. If not, then I may need to just some of the other meds I’m on, and that becomes a guessing game, and, it may just be where I am right now. Which is miserable enough that I just want to sleep through it. Like physical pain, sometime emotional pain is too great to sleep through, but I do have meds that help with agitation and sleep, and once I get myself to sleep, I find that even after the drugs wear off, I can keep myself in a state of sleepiness great enough to keep going and going.