Dissassociating on the television faces, making lines and shapes by joining iris to nostril to lip corner like playing connect the dots. Not real people, just a conglomoration of spots, light in miniture combinations of red blue and green creating illusions on my little screen.

Is nothing what it seems?…

Stuck on the sofa watching reality tv, that has nothing really real about it all, and what’s real is the heaviness of my thighs and my mood pressed into the womb of my black leather sofa. Ignoring all the screams inside of me. The parts that want me to move, to play, to weep, to make love, to create, to destroy, all of it blanketed in the numb that is my depression. Moods, feelings fighting inside of me, tension, fear, anxiety, loss, push it away… push, watch the dots, connect the dots, outside, not inside.

Damn.

Well I’m up here now, processing it a bit, in my little journal space, processing that I don’t process… ah, so helpful. Analyzing how being analytical numbs me out and removes me from the emotions I want to avoid… yah… real helpful ;).

That and stuffing my face full of carbs, one of my major drug of choices, If you numb your brain with loads of TV, and carbs, at the same time, while working really hard to not think of anything expect for food, television, and connect the dots, you can pretty much bring your brain to a zombie like state, with the agitation screaming in the back of your head at a somewhat tolerable level.

I went to walmart today, again. As I just went to walmart yesterday (and all you can eat sushi) … hmm, but, this was a different walmart with a different friend. I couldn’t find anything to buy, except for face cream (you need to look your best when you’re insane) wet wipes, and a container of gummy bears. Chewing their little colorful heads off is also therapeutic.

I’ve been having anywhere from mildly annoying stressful dreams to full on nightmares over the last week or so, It’s really beginning to get on my nerves, and it induces a fair bit of anxiety, because I worry that they won’t stop, and then I get more anxious, and I get more nightmares. The most unpleasant aspect of one of the nightmares I had, being licked on the face over and over again by a rotting wet decaying zombie, and no, I was not getting dog kisses in the middle of the night. It’s a realistic concern, during the worst part of my depression, I had REALLY horrible nightmares all night everynight, for like a year. Come to think of it, now that I look back at how really deep my depression went, basically continual emotional agony day and night with no escape from it for that long, well, I’m pretty positive I would never have a psychotic break, if all the shit I went through during those few years didn’t push me past depression into full blown psychotic depression with mega hallucinations before, it’s not likely to happen in the future? no?

Yesterday at Walmart I bough 4 pairs of lacy tight boy short underwear, 2 white, 2 black. Was supposed to have a photo shoot today in the day with one of the subby boys we’d lined up for photos, but Wolfe is too sick to do photos, he’s got a really bad cold.

Hmmm… how did a couple of dozen gummi bears manage to escape while I wasn’t looking, I don’t remember cramming that many into my face while I was journalling. Time to put the lid back on the sneaky suckers.

Actually, I did get something else at Walmart today. I was giggling and laughing and goofing off a bit with Anjali, which felt really nice. She offered to come ‘keep me company’ next time Wolfe goes to crash at tanuki’s place… hmmmmmm. And this totally hot young little boy, like late teens early 20’s super cute, tall dark gorgeous, and a little rough and tumble, kept checking me out in the check out line. At first I wasn’t sure, but then we got to the little smiling and flirtatious eye contact part, and then the signals were clear. Anjali was trying to convince me I should go scoop him up, I think she thought I was a little nuts for not abducting him on the spot. Damn it, I’m going to start carrying more ‘business’ cards with me. ‘I’m a photographer, and I would love you to model for me’ I’ve found can be a very effective introduction, and depending on how you say it, can have some clear implications… it’s like handing over a printed invitation to flirt.

For all those lovely people who leave comments in my journal, I’m sorry I haven’t posted replies, ummm, because the comments get send directly into my email, and, stupidly, I’ve just responded to them from email, thinking the replies would be posted back to my journal comments section… Well, Wolfe just informed me that that is NOT the case, I’m just writing back to my self (oh… even after years of computer handling, I’m still such a techno-peasant, I keep trying to up my geek quotient, and not making much head way).

New song I’ve been into, ‘I believe in a thing called love’ by The Darkness. I LOVE it… makes me wanna fuck… most songs I’m really into though do that to me. Or at least lick and bite someone all over until they scream. Where’s a subby to bite when you need one? eh?

XO
Leila

This entry was posted on Monday, September 20th, 2004 at 12:20 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.